Michael Blosil, Adoption, and His Mothers: I wonder…


Dear Ms. Feverfew –

I am certain you have heard that Marie Osmond’s 18 year old son committed suicide this weekend. It seems that he was “struggling” with depression and didn’t feel like he “fit in” with any one.

What a lot of the media in the U.S. is failing to report is that Michael is an adoptee.

I wonder if that has anything to do with his depression and his feelings of not fitting in. I don’t have to wonder what my adoptee friends will say – they will state unequivocally YES!!! I also know what some of my adoptive parent friends will say – Oh no, it couldn’t be adoption – but maybe.  Then there will be that group of adoptive parents that will scream “THERE IS NO WAY HIS ADOPTION HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIS DEPRESSION! Show me the studies, show me the STUDIES, SHOW ME THE STUDIES that prove it does have something to do with his being adopted!!!!! Until then, I refuse to believe that it could have had any impact on him – there must have been something else wrong with him.”

I wonder if his natural mother will be told. I wonder if she will be invited to attend his funeral. I wonder if she will even be acknowledged. I wonder if Marie Osmond even knows who Michael’s natural mother is. I wonder if Michael knew.

This has always been one of my greatest fears – that I would finally start searching for you, only to find that you had passed away and I had never been told.

I wonder…would your adoptive parents tell me if something happened to you? Or would I have to find out from a newspaper headline?

Much love,

M.

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38 thoughts on “Michael Blosil, Adoption, and His Mothers: I wonder…

  1. This just made me so sad when I heard it. I wondered all those same things. I wonder if the boys natural mother will ever know? Because really in the real world? Adoptees who die are often never known about- It makes me batshite crazy too-

    But it’s never adoption that caused the damage, it’s never being ripped away from everything they ever knew, wanted or needed at birth that is at fault- it’s then of course blamed on genetics or some other thing, that is not to blame.

    Hope you are feeling allright today- I have heartburn tonight and am remembering all the time I spent eating TUMS to ease it! l

    • Mary –

      There are so many things about adoption that I just never thought through prior to relinquishing my daughter. What kind of absolute hole in the sand did I have my head in???? And one thing I am really struggling with lately – how do I ever forgive myself for being so blindingly trusting, so naive, so stupid?

      In every other area of my life I have discovered that I am an intelligent, articulate, accomplished person. There is rarely anything I set my hand too that I don’t master easily. So what in the hell is so broken inside of me that made me abandon my daughter? Made me think that she deserved so much “more” than me? What was it inside of me that made me buy in to the “it’s about love” and “if you really loved her then you will let her go” rhetoric? I know now that I was enough and always would have been enough…why couldn’t I see it then? And back to that same question: how do I forgive myself because the older I get, the less forgiving I am of that decision.

      M.

      P.S. The heartburn isn’t too bad for me – fortunately it usually isn’t. It’s the constant pressure this wee baby is putting on the gortex mesh in my pelvis that is really giving me grief. 😦 And unfortunately, I can’t take anything strong enough to really help with the pain.

      • There is nothing to forgive yourself for- that’s the lesson you need to learn. You were coerced into submitting just like I was- You HAD NO CHOICE! None- and for you to keep pointing the gun at your own head is not what you should be doing. Yes work through the grief and anger, but it was not your fault- I went through the same thing, and in the end came to realize that our love is what makes us vulberable, they use it as a weapon and make us believe things we never would have otherwise. To get past it- go through it- that is the only advice I can give you. Once you are out the other side it’s worlds better-

        I have the mesh too- but did not have another baby once I had the surgery. Sorry it hurts! And rats to the living with pain thing- UGH! Ask the doctor there has to be something they can give you to help more than tylenol!

      • Mary –

        Your response and Cassi’s post over on Adoption Truth titled “Thou Shall Forgive” give me hope that maybe I can eventually come out the other side of this slightly more whole and healed. And you said it so eloquently – it is our love that makes us vulnerable. I get so angry when I think how the deepest and purest of my love – the love for my children – was used to convince me that my daughter was better off being raised by complete strangers. That is just shameful.

        M.

      • It is more than shameful, it is criminal, abusive and so very wrong. you will get there Melynda, it just takes time. My daughter is 26, and I just now feel after almost 6 years in reunion that I am out the other side-

      • BTW Mary – tonight I have heartburn. What’s up with that? I haven’t had it at all this pregnancy and just because it is mentioned here, I get it tonight? Whatev’.

        Off to munch on some Tums.

        M.

  2. As an infant, I had Reye’s Syndrome…was in a coma for four days, in the hospital for a total of eight days..as a 13 month old. I almost died…I should have died, according to the doctors.

    It makes me sad to know that my natural mother would have never known, until years later, that I had died. I’m really glad I’ve gotten the chance to tell her about the experience myself.

    • Cricket –

      I am really glad you got the chance to tell your natural mother yourself as well. I am equally certain that your natural mother is even more glad about you being around to tell her than either of us can imagine.

      M.

  3. I read he was the biological son of her second husband. She adopted him when she married him. So, he did know his biological father. Not sure what the story is about real mom

    • I don’t know much about their situation but just hope that his first/natural/birth mother was told. If he was in fact the biological son of Marie’s ex, then chances are someone in the family knows who she is.

      My heart just breaks for any family that endures the loss of a loved one to suicide, regardless of the reasons behind it.

      M.

  4. I read an old transcript of a bunch of happy-dappy celebrity adopters on Larry King. Interestingly, Larry kept bringing up the issue of birth parents, reunion, etc (not forcefully, but he seemed to be going to back to these issues often). Of course, the adopters quickly dismissed his line of questioning and brushed it off with things like “he can decide whether to meet them when he’s an adult.” Marie said she didn’t know the names of the bio-mothers but said they were probably listed in the adoption papers which she would give to her adoptlings if they were interested at some point.

    I’m inclined to believe that with her resources she could notify the mother if she really wanted to (even if her name is not in the paperwork). But I’ll be quite surpised if she takes any action to contact Michael’s mother.

    • I’m inclined to believe that with her resources she could notify the mother if she really wanted to (even if her name is not in the paperwork). But I’ll be quite surpised if she takes any action to contact Michael’s mother.

      That’s kind of what I am thinking as well, Maybe. For Michael’s other mother, I hope Marie has enough dignity and grace to let her know what happened to her son but I don’t hold out hope (not that I will know or even need to know that she did…I just hope she does.)

      M.

  5. The fact that he said that he “never fit in” should be a clue to all of us that adoption definitely was a factor. This is the honest truth of adoption and the heartache and worry that we all have to accept. Lord, please bless this doesn’t happen to our kids.
    Thank you for your posts and for your comments on my blog. I love what you wrote about Eve. I have so many questions about how this all really plays out in the Gospel. What IS a mother? why do the kids end up where they do? Was it meant to be?
    Thanks for your thoughts…and it’s funny it takes me a minute to figure out who Melynda is. I still think your name is Valency.
    What a dork!

    • Shannan –

      Like you, I have so many questions about how this all *really* plays out in the gospel, especially in context of what the Logan temple president told me a few years ago about being sealed to my New and Improved Dad. That one really left me scratching my head….

      I have a blog post I will publish in a couple of days about that whole experience – be sure to tune in. I would love your thoughts.

      M.

      P.S. Don’t feel like a dork about not connecting my username with my real name, especially since I sometimes forget to log out of my blogger account (sostinkinhappy) and into my wordpress account (valency) when I post stuff!

  6. Shannen, babies don’t end up where they are supposed to be according to some silly plan the almighty has- Men do that, god does not. It is as I said before, God doesnt’ do adoption, he’s into being born again. *shrugs* I know you are doing your best for your kids, and I wouldn’t change that for you either. But the truth is god does not put babies in the wrong tummy, or ordain for them to be taken from their mothers at birth or shortly thereafter- it makes no sense logically. The only reason Mose’s was adopted by Pharoah’s daughter was his mother put him in the basket to save his life- as god ordained she should do, and he also went back to her and his family as god ordained he should do. Please don’t think I am being a witch, but show me where in the bible adoption is ok? Even Jesus was not adopted, Joseph was his step-father. There are other stories I know of, such as cutting the baby in half (I always forget that one) to split it between two women, the unselfish one of the pair was the childs mother and returned to her. Shall I go on? Men make it about being biblical and all that nonsense, mothers know better. Just my two cents.

    • I agree with you Mary on *every* part but I also understand where Shannan is coming from, especially since she *is* one of the adoptive moms who is desperately trying to figure things out. I think being an *aware and awake* adoptive mother in the LDS church is *almost* as confusing and isolating as being a first/natural mother. Not only do we have to figure out the “normal” adoption junk, but we have to sort through what it means in context of our theological, religious, and spiritual beliefs as well.

      Sure, there are plennnnnntttttyyyy of LDS adopters out there who don’t get it and aren’t willing to even try to understand, but I don’t think Shannan is one of them. She is just new to this whole process of sorting through what all of this means in the LDS version of an “eternal perspective.” And let me tell you…it ain’t easy. For any of us.

      Much love –

      M.

      • I didn’t mean to offend! I know Shannen is trying hard- that’s what I love about her- I know this stuff isn’t easy for either of you. I have had a lot more time to think about all of this both of you, and really I get it, I do. I was just being me, again. Open mouth insert foot! I know where I stand on my beliefs and trying to figure it all out in a church that well to put it mildly, is pro-adoption has to be just as crazy making as well, working with an agency that is into using love as a weapon- 😦

      • Oh, no offense taken Mary! Trust me, you would have to say/do a lot more than that to ruffle my feathers. And you are right – trying to figure this all out in a church that is over the top, ridiculously in love with the cult of adoption is CRAZY making!!!

        Smooches and hugs to you Mary – thank you so much for being willing to share your feelings, opinions, experience, wisdom and counsel with me.

        M.

      • Back at you Melynda- and good, because the last thing I ever want to do is hurt anyone for any reason!

        I don’t know that it’s wisdom I have, just experience- that I wish none of us had- Including Shannan-none of us should have to “muddle” through any of this! It just breaks my heart to know so many have suffered so much, and that there is no end in sight for so many~ 😦

    • Mirah –

      First, welcome to my blog! Second, interesting study – I was able to download the article in it’s entirety and it looks to be a fairly well designed one. What I don’t understand why so many people summarily dismiss studies like those. Is it because the findings and conclusions don’t fit within their tidy adoption-is-bliss paradigms or is it because they are truly, willfully being ignorant to the facts of the matter? As a researcher scientist, I sometimes want to take the “show me the studies!!!” group to task, but haven’t the energy. Maybe once this baby is here and I have passed comps I will have more energy to tackle that group.

      M.

  7. Adoption is a multi-billion dollar industry and those who profit and lobby for those who profit proliferate the myths and keep studies like this under lid.

    Studies that suggest that adoptees are perfectly happy and well-balanced will be funded and flaunted.

    There’s no $$ in truth and helping families remain intact.

    We have known for decades that adoptees are over-represented in all types of facilities for youth and in prisons. But no one wants to do a concrete study – or fund one – and face these facts.

    In 1988, in my first book, I suggested many post adoption stuides that are needed. We do not know, for instance the sexual abuse rate of adoptees compared to non, though we know it is higher in foster care – in part because of absence of incest taboo, which likewise exists in adoptive families, especially among siblings.

    We do not know the divorce rate of couples who adopt, compared to those who don’t. We actually do not even know the exact number of adoptees at any given point in time or how many are adopted within a year. But we know hoe much adoption costs: $20-40k EACH!

    Mirah Riben author
    The Stork Market: America’s Multi-Billion Dollar Unregulated Adoption Industry

    • Yes, all of this!!!

      Being in research (and grant writing), I have come to see how the funding agencies truly shape research agendas. Trust me, I don’t think half of my department would be researching open education resources if it weren’t for the millions of dollars from the Hewlett Foundation or the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation who clearly stated in their RFPs that only research projects related to open education would be considered. Nor would the other half be as intensely interested in reusable learning objects in the STEM areas if it weren’t for the millions of dollars from the targeted RFP’s put out by the NSF.

      How this plays out in the adoption arena is that the largest funding agencies drive the research agenda in adoption related issues. Since the largest and most powerful of these funding sources are pro-adoption/anti-family preservation (including the US government to some extent), it is just as you said – “There’s no $$ in truth and helping families remain intact.” Ergo, little to no research gets done about the potential negative impacts of adoption on those whose lives are most profoundly affected by the loss.

      I think I need to add your book to my ever-expanding reading list, Mirah!

      M.

      • I worked in academia at a state university and saw the same in the hard sciences. Funding sources drive research Whenever you read a “study” – check and see who funded it…especially if it regarding pharmaceuticals and things like what pesticides are harmful or not to you and to the environment. All of it! Money talks. Funding affects research like advertising affects media content.

        Look what went on in the tobacco industry for so long. And truth be told, the only thing that took down that giant was not the public or the government – it was another giant industry: insurance!

  8. Mary I love you and think you are amazing. It is hard to live in a church culture where leaders say that these children where “meant” to be with me…like we decided in heaven to come to earth this way and become a family through adoption. I don’t believe that for a minute. There are so many variables in life and I like you can’t imagine a God who would allow a woman to have her baby taken away because that baby had promised to go somewhere else. What?? It just doesn’t make sense. So I feel like I want to raise my kids feeling like they DO belong. Like we ARE a family but also with the truth of where they really came from and whose baby they really are. I think it is challenging and boy don’t I wish I knew more about it before we adopted!! There is ZERO adoption education for families I think. At least not the truth. Dont get me wrong…I love my kids and am so happy but adoption “issues” will always be apart of their lives and I am trying to learn now how best to navigate it for their sakes and for their moms’ sake as well.
    I am so tired! Is this even making sense?

  9. Darn I just posted a longer response and then lost it. Basically..thanks for the support guys. Mary I think you are great and I appreciate your support always. Speaking the truth is all I want to hear and you and Melynda are right that it is a learning process. I personally don’t believe that adoption is a religious thing either. I think it is cultural but my church leaders keep telling me it was “meant to be” and I strongly disagree but don’t know where to go from there.

    • And that is why I don’t go to church anymore- I can’t get behind anyone/any organization who’s culture tells me losing my child was the right thing to do. I believe, but I keep that to myself and don’t stick my nose in where I am not wanted, nor are my ideas about adoption wanted. Religions all seem to get behind adoption, and I think it’s a crying shame that they do. Using the bible to justify their actions, and the actions of “Elders” disgusts me- Being blunt again, what did the church ever do for me? Support during times of trouble? Oh wait, only when it was something like losing my mother, not my child. No thanks, I will keep my prayers private between myself and my God, who certainly did not intend me to lose my daughter. I am angry that anyone thinks this is ok, it is clearly not ok- and I wish there was a road map for all of us to navigate this stuff. How do you combat this?

      Let me be even more blunt, if you disagree start speaking up, and telling people that you disagree- Yes, even to those who have the power to cause you trouble at church, it’s what is needed. Adoptive parents who get it are so rare, and you do get it- we need your voice too.

      I love you too, for being brave enough to ask, and brave enough to listen- you could do great things for all of us~

      • I learned the hard way that speaking against adoption can get you in trouble- and really if the church body was so threatened by the truth, do they deserve to have a memeber who speaks it? Hypocrites and liars are in every church body, sadly many of them in positions of power. 😦

    • Wow Mirah! That stuff is just so…mind boggling. There isn’t any other way to describe it. I mean, I know I have seen study results shuffled off to the side when they don’t conform to what the researcher was expecting while I have been working in my own field. I just don’t know why I never connected that same practice with what could/would happen in such a high-stakes area like adoption. “That’s just plain old crazy making” as my good mother used to say.

      M.

  10. P.S. You know what is so funny…I feel like I get more support from you “mean and bitter and dangerous BIRTH moms” than I do from the rainbow happy adoption blogs.:) And truthfully they don’t like me very much either…I ask too many questions that are uncomfortable. But I am searching and I feel like I find answers, or at least understanding here than I do with those moms who tell their kids how much their “birth mommies loved them so they gave them up”. Barf.
    So thanks.

    • Shannan –

      I can’t even imagine how hard it must be to be an aware/awake adoptive mother in the LDS community. It’s gotta rank right up there with being a first mother for whom the adoption anesthesia has worn off. Infant adoption is portrayed as being the great panacea to so many of our cultural ills that to question its “goodness” is tantamount to heresy on some levels (at least by main-stream, unthinking members of the church).

      I am glad that you feel like you have found some understanding among us first mothers. Maybe we can find answers for this whole adoption Gordian knot together –

      M.

  11. i come from the other side of the street (not adopted, kept my kids), my bio father was gone before i was born & the one time i spent with him was mostly spent trying to fend off a sex attack. i was 14 then. My bio (gag) “mother” is the biggest piece of alcohic, abusive, black hearted, & pure evil sh*t . She spent my childhood physically, emotionally, & mentally abusing me almost to the point of suicide by age 5!!! i cut all ties with her & the rest of the “bio” family years ago. i was the unwanted burden, the target child. our home movies are of me at 1 yr trying to learn to walk & they still laughed when it came to the part of one of them sticking a foot out in front of me tripping me face first into a gravel driveway. I wish with all my heart i had been adopted by a loving family that wanted me & was good to me. so beware when you go poking into the past. you might not like who you find. God Bless you all. Diane V

    • Diane –

      I am so sorry to hear that you had a difficult upbringing. My heart aches when I hear of stories like yours and yes, these are the kinds of situations that do in fact warrant adoption. Like far too many people, I too know the damage that parents who are pure evil can wreak on a person’s life. My own biological father was eventually sent to prison for molesting his six daughters, myself included. I cut ties with him (and several abusive bio-siblings) about 14 years ago and have never looked back. Hopefully you have found peace and healing through the years.

      Melynda

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