I hate today.


Dear Ms. Feverfew –

I don’t have much time this morning, but I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you today. As always. Except today, there will be tears. Many of them. I already know this. I already know that today I must be gentle to myself and with myself or I might fly into a million broken pieces.

For now though, I must steel my heart and face the needs of my family.

Much love,

M.

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9 thoughts on “I hate today.

  1. ((((Hugs M))))

    I’m sorry today will be such a hard day, yes, you are right, you need to be gentle with yourself. Don’t fight the tears too much… sometimes we need to let them come so they can pass a little quicker although I know all too well that some days they don’t.

    Sending love,
    Myst xxx

  2. I’m sorry today’s going to kick you in the teeth. I hope it helps a little bit to know that a lot of people are holding you in their thoughts today. And you know you’ll get through it… what else can you do? Wishing you peace today.

  3. Thinking of you on this tough day. I hope you are finding a way to go on with the day-to-day demands yet can still find time for the tears. I find when I don’t let them come ~ especially on a day like this ~ it only makes it worse.

    Susie

  4. I’m so sorry today is a day that will bring tears and be difficult for you. You are right, be gentle with yourself. I’m thinking of you! (((Hugs)))

  5. I’m so sorry to hear that today is a hard day for you!

    Ironically, my situation is so close to yours that it’s eerie 🙂 I am expecting my 4th child. I place my son almost 20 years ago, then I have two daughters who I’m raising and I’m now expecting my 4th, a boy. After finding out it was a boy I’ve had such mixed feelings. I’m excited…I’m excited to finally “prove” that I’ve “worthy” of raising a son….Excited to experience all the boy things I missed out on with my oldest, but sad too. Sad because this shouldn’t be my first son. Sad because it will remind me of all that I missed out on and especially sad because I feel like I’m betraying my first son in a way. When a co-worker found out the other day that I was having a boy she said “oh how excited, your first boy” to which I just smiled and nodded. I didn’t feel like letting her into this private world of mine. It’s too sacred (for lack of a better term) to me to just tell anyone, but I felt terrible that I didn’t shout to the rooftops that I have a son who I love so very much.

    I know this is pretty random, I just felt that you of all people would probably understand.

    • Oh yes. Do I understand. Do I ever understand.

      I recently endured/survived a baby shower put on by my wonderful and sweetest of neighbors. There were gobs of people there, all so excited for me to “finally” be having a girl. Most of them don’t know and most of them don’t need to know (at least not right now) but there were many times that evening I felt so..surreal. Disembodied. Numb. Fake. I just wanted to scream at all of them that NO THIS IS NOT MY FIRST GIRL and that this really, really, REALLY sucks. But instead, there I just did lots of the smiling and nodding that you are unfortunately too familiar with.

  6. Thank you, all of you. Your kind words mean more than you will ever know.

    Now off to find more Kleenex and Dark Chocolate Reese’s Peanut Butter cups. Where did my husband put those things? (The Reese’s not the Kleenex.)

  7. (((((((((((Melynda))))))))))) School has had me so busy I missed this- and I know just how you feel too. My girls are bookends as well, and it was hard as hell when Ellii was tiny~

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