Now I Have Heard it All


Dr. Ms. Feverfew –

So us mothers put up with a lot of crap from people who are either to dumb to know better or to mean to care how various labels may effect a woman who has lost a child to adoption. I have been referred to as everything from a mildly noxious “birth mother” to a patently offensive and derogatory  “breeder.”  Today though…today I was called something that is so sickening I want to vomit.

She called me a brood sow.

Yes, a potential adoptive mother referred to me as a brood sow.

Now I have heard it all.

Love,

M.

P.S. Just had to add that one of the brilliant ladies on the forum that came to my defense had the best response: “So you are content being just a plain old sow then?”  Still laughing over that one!

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26 thoughts on “Now I Have Heard it All

  1. A brood sow. And she is a disgusting piece of jealous trash because she is not able to procrate; therefore she feels the need to say to degrade the women who can. This is sickening and it is beyond comprehension.

    Yes, we and you have heard it all. Just remember, they say these things because they are JEALOUS they are not the real, natural parents of the children they so unfortunately covet. I feel sorry for ANY child who ends up with people like that idiot and anyone even remotely like her.

    Every young, vulnerable woman facing an unplanned pregnancy needs to hear that this is how we are referred… the women who quite possibly may make their “motherhood” possible are referred to as a brood sow (and I am sure many, many other disgusting terms.)

    I do not condone violence in any way, but some of these foaming at the mouth, desperate for someone else’s child adoptive mothers need to have their asses kicked. I’d be happy to oblige, that is if they had the nerve to ever say anything like that to my face. They won’t. It is too easy to hide behind their computers and degrade and dehumanize us. Biotch.

    • “It is too easy to hide behind their computers and degrade and dehumanize us. Biotch.”

      Yes, this!!!! And I came to the same conclusion – she’s just jealous. And a big fat meanie.

      • And it is my conclusion that they ALL are~ jealous of the women who made their motherhood possible. That is why they are soooo kind and compassionate towards us after the devastating loss of our children to the adoption machine, and them.

        How could people be so cold and callous to those who have lost everything, while they gain? It goes to show you how wrong domestic infomation is in this country. I only hope one day it will be erradicated. Comments like this are a clear definition of that. These women are selfish, self-entitled and have no business adopting ANYONE’S child.

    • Oddly enough it was online in a coupon forum! I mean, really? Really??? The ladies there proceeded to come to my defense and take her apart before the mods removed the comment. I wish they had let it stay though so I could send all of you to it. It was really quite priceless.

    • LOL – That’s exactly what I thought too, Christina! I was like, “Oh what a shame this wasn’t a blog – it would make such a good blog o’shame entry!”

      M.

  2. …and everyone I know is lauding the new health care plan because it allows for a better adoption tax credit. Does that make anyone else feel sick as well?
    why not health care reform to support single mothers?

    • Shannan –

      I saw on some site the actual $$ amounts that are being dedicated to adoption vs. family services for single mothers and it was staggering. I will try to track them down again and link to them from here. Were are talking billions of dollars over the next couple of years for adoption compared to millions for family services. Billions. How does a scared, single, pregnant woman withstand pressure that is backed by that kind of funding???

      M.

  3. Coupons? Wow. How classy of her. LOL I have no idea how adoption came up in conversation on a coupon site, but her comment is priceless. I don’t even think I can be offended by that one because it is so kookie. Sorry you had to endure it.

    As for the adoption tax credit, I commented on a discussion forum (a-parent heavy) about how misused and abused it is now (since it was originally created to encourage fostercare adoption) and it totally killed the thread. I could practically hear crickets chirping. Nobody could really say anything because I am right. People are just using the government to pay for the way they “want” to build their families. Anyway, I guess that is a rabbit trail…

    • Jenni –

      Honestly, I am not that offended by it because it truly says more about her than it does about anyone else! It reminds me of the story of Hannah in the Bible who is completely distraught over not being able to have children of her own. At one point, the prophet Eli thinks she has been drinking too much because of her outlandish carrying-on!!! I think that this is kind of what this was…

      Instead of being offended by her comments, this morning I feel compassion for her and sorrow that she is so bitter and has so little healing in her life.

      M.

  4. Dear Valency,

    Long-time reader and first-time commenter.

    First – thank you so much for sharing your story. I always appreciate your candor.

    Second – thank you for your comment about having compassion for that horrid woman.

    Third – to be up front – I am a prospective adoptive parent looking to have an open adoption (relationship – not just photos/updates…) who has been rather traumatized by the apparent lack of compassion in the adoption/loss/infertility world. Please know that even though I come to adoption from “the other side” that I am HORRIFIED by the prospective adoptive mother you describe. (We can only hope that that woman’s SW catches on to her and that they do not let that woman adopt!!!!)

    Unfortunately, I have discovered that the name calling in the blogosphere goes all ways in regards to adoption/loss/infertility. A first mother blog I was reading recently referred to prospective adoptive mothers as “evil slobbering barren leeches.”

    It’s sad, isn’t it? That we think so little of each other…That we can be so cruel to one another…

    Again, I’m sorry that you had to endure such hostility and name calling.

    Thank you for allowing me a little space to share my thoughts.

    Best and peace.

    • Thanks for stopping by my blog. I agree, at times there is an astounding amount of name calling & cruelty in the blogosphere from all sides. I think the relative anonymity of the medium sometimes allows for nastiness to surface that might not otherwise be there, particularly when the issue is something as emotionally laden as adoption. Unfortunately, I think it is human nature to lash out at the unknown “other.” I highly doubt that this woman, if she had known me and known my story in real life would have said something so horrible.

      About having compassion for her – in a way I have been her. Well, maybe not exactly like her, but I have been “in the gall of bitterness.” I know what it feels like to be so full of anger, sadness, rage – pain – that I said and did things that were not a true reflection of who I am and what I believe. It doesn’t make her behavior correct or excuse it in any way, but I understand the genesis of her acerbic treatment of the unknown “other” if that makes any sense at all. Through that understanding comes something akin to compassion, though I don’t know if I can go so far as to call it that.

      M.

      • Do you study Buddhism by any chance?

        What a wonderful example of releasing yourself from suffering (anger, sadness, pain and rage) and of recognizing/having compassion for the suffering of others.

        I hope that more of us in the blogosphere can keep having these kinds of dialogues.

        Thanks so much for responding to my comment and to sharing more of yourself with us.

        Best and peace.

  5. Good Lord, what is wrong with people? That is disgusting.
    I’m soo soo sorry you had to hear that.

    (((hugs)))

    • Hmmph. Disgusting, yes but no big deal at this point. I was more shocked than offended at the comment. Like I said before, it says much more about her than it does about me!

  6. Being an adoptive parent, I’m utterly ashamed that you had to endure this. I seriously don’t understand what drives this kind of entitlement and utterly appalling behavior.

    I’m really sorry.

    • Margie – Now worries here. At first it was startling because I had no idea that a person could really harbor those kinds of feelings towards another but after thinking about it, I really feel sorry that she hurts so badly! I can’t imagine any other emotion driving that kind of comment other than sheer pain. I know how I have lashed out at others in my pain and that’s the only explanation I can come up with. Doesn’t make it right, but at least I figure it isn’t personal. After all, how could it be personal? She has no idea who I am!!!

      M.

  7. Look at it this way…it’s hard to take this sort of rudeness but it brings reality out of the closet and shows how potential adopters are really thinking and viewing adoption.How must they view adoptees if they think this of their mothers? No wonder we feel second rate when we’re all labelled in this way.Always the sign of someone who feels disempowered and needs our compassion.

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