Please Tell Me: What Do You Want?


Dear Ms. Feverfew –

Your birthday is in a few short months. Your 18th birthday. I weep as I write those words.

It means you will be of legal age, an adult.

It means I have to decide: What do I do?

I wish I could read minds. I wish I knew what you wanted me to do.

Do you want me to send you a letter and let you know that I am here, always loving you, always wanting to have you in my life again? Or would a phone call be better? Or do you want me to let you make the first overtures towards rebuilding our relationship? Do you even want to rebuild a relationship with me? And how do I even explain how all of this came to be like this? Do you even want to know or are you fine in your life, knowing only what your adoptive parents have told you of me? Since you will be a legal adult, do I need to go through your adoptive parents? Or are you really an adult, independent and autonomous? Can I send letters directly to you? Friend you on Facebook? Follow you on Twitter?

Most importantly: Do you want me to?

I know what I want, but I have the feeling that this must be about what you need. After all, you were the innocent, voiceless part of this whole equation.

So my dearest Ms. Feverfew, please tell me: What do you want?

Love,

M.

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11 thoughts on “Please Tell Me: What Do You Want?

  1. God this is hard isn’t it? I am sorry I have been so quiet lately life got in my way out here in the wilds of Wisconsin. I don’t know the answer for you. I know what I would have done had it been me, and had I known where my daughter was. Nothing could have kept me from contacting her. I would have probably sent a letter first, and given her the option of contacting me via phone or mail (snail or e) But nothing would have stopped me from letting her know where I was, how much I loved her, and how much I had missed her. This is probably not very helpful-it’s just my feeling, you have to decide what is right for you darling- I hope you are feeling ok this evening, and you stay in bed you hear me? I am thinking of you and praying for all of you.
    *huge hugs*
    mary

    • Thanks Mary – I am of your mindset. At this point, nothing but death (mine) can keep me from contacting her and letting her know all of those things you mentioned. Even if she doesn’t respond right away (or ever) at least she will know how and where to find me when/if she is ever ready.

      And yes, I am trying really hard to stay in bed. This week has been tough on me emotionally and physically. If I can just hang in there 22 more days, then this little princess can come join our family earthside without a stay in the NICU. Finding out that I am already dilating and effacing kind of put the fear of God into me and I have been uber-good about doing nothing but gestating! Hopefully I can figure out a way to type on my laptop a wee bit more comfortably…still not sure how to do it while laying on my side.

      Thanks for the kind words and the reassurance that I am headed in the right direction with this contact thing. I think I will still mail her parents a letter and let them know what’s going on in my life and that I am planning on contacting her directly, but I don’t think I will ask them to do it for me. I don’t really have any idea how they feel about me so who knows if this will do more harm than good.

      Time for me to quit typing and get back to just laying on my side –

      M.

  2. You know I missed the part about contacting her directly. Absolutely you should not go through her arents! Adoptive parents can be a huge problem in reunion. It’s not between you, them and her, but between you and her!

  3. I actually went through my son’s parents when I finally found him. He was 19, but I wasn’t sure where he was at in his life or if he wanted anything to do with me, so I wrote a letter to his mom asking her to share it with him if the time was right. She and her husband were very grateful at the “respectful” way I handled things and told my son right away, giving him my letter to read.

    I don’t know if it was the right way to handle things or not as I don’t have much of a relationship with any of them right now and I’m not thrilled with how his mom has “handled” things, but it’s what I did. I wish there was some sort of crystal ball that would tell us what our children wanted from us.

    This is one of the hardest things for me. I cry when trying to decide what to get him for his birthday or Christmas or whatever because I feel like I should know him well enough to know what things he likes and doesn’t like and what he does and doesn’t want. A mother knows those things about her child, and yet I don’t know that about him. It is a horrible feeling!

    • I wish there was some sort of crystal ball that would tell us what our children wanted from us.

      Yes, this!!!! A million times over this. For both the children I parent and the one I didn’t. Sheesh, life would be a lot easier then wouldn’t it?

  4. Desi, the aftermath is the hard part with aparents. They come off all sweet and nice until they decide they don’t want you interfering. It’s why I said leave them out of it. Your child is an adult, why go through parents if they are an adult? It boggles me that we mom’s feel we must do anything of the sort, if it were just someone we met and liked would we ask the parents permission to be friends?

  5. I agree with Mary. If our kids didn’t have contact and someday their mothers wrote me about contacting them, I would just tell them they would have to talk to their kids. As our kids get older we will let them decide the contact they have or don’t have with their families. I know no one cares what I think, but M. follow your heart.

    • I care what you think Shannan and more importantly, I like how you think! In fact, if I am ever in your neck of the woods we just might have to meet up for lunch sometime. I have a feeling you and I could become fast friends.

      I have to agree with Mary on this one too. I figure that if a person can take out a HOME LOAN for crying out loud when they are 18 without getting their parents permission, then why would they need their parents permission to communicate with another adult?

      M.

  6. Adoptees are adults at 18, you don’t need to ask anyone’s permission.As an adoptee I can tell you all adoptees I’ve ever heard of want to know about their mothers, very few don’t want contact, most want to meet and the majority wish to make a relationship if they can and you can.
    It’s rarely easy for all the reasons Evelyn Burns Robinson talks about in her books.Please spend time preparing as best you can for reunion.You can’t do as my dear mother did and walk back into our lives expecting us to be able to love you as you love us.Sometimes it takes a while.
    Adoptees,like you, have much to work through and sometimes what they’ve been told about you by their adopters may not be helpful to either of you.
    Please know that most of us are desperate to meet and know you.I’d write a letter from the heart, but these days Facebook is often a great way to contact an 18 year old.There’s no easy way to make that first move or jump off the cliff but all will respect you for being so caring and thoughtful about it.In the end just do it! Good wishes….

    • Thank you once again for your words of wisdom! I am trying to do all I can so that when we do finally make contact, at least one of us has had a bit of healing/recovery to rely on to help us through the expected tough times. I am just so grateful for all of the natural mothers and adoptees who have been/are willing to share their journeys in reunion – the good, the bad, and the ugly – with those of us who are just starting to take the first steps down that road. My debt of gratitude for all of you continues to grow each and every day.

      M.

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