Dear Ms. Feverfew –
Today at church, your little sister was given name and a blessing by her daddy. Dressed in a long, crisp white cotton gown with intricate smocking on the bodice and perfect pin tucks around the bottom, she was cradled in the arms of my wonderful husband and the others who participated in the ordinance. The matching bonnet was too big (after all, she is still a pocket-sized 13-day old baby!) but it turned out to be a good thing because it allowed us to show off the sweet perfection of her dark curly hair.
Hair that invariably reminds me of you. I cannot caress her little head without memories of your heaven-scented head underneath my hand – the perfect roundness of it, the downy softness of your curls. I cannot look at her kissable rosebud lips without remembering yours. Oh heaven help me…
One of the songs we sang during the church services was hymn #195 How Great the Wisdom and The Love. I have long loved this hymn about the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ, especially the sixth and final verse (which is unfortunately rarely sung).
How great, how glorious, how complete,
Redemption’s grand design
Where justice, love, and mercy meet
In harmony divine!
Justice, love and mercy. Three things I have known precious little of in my life. But today…today as I sat there and listened to my husband pronounce a name and a blessing upon our sweet Penelope, I tasted of the sweetness of unbounded love and mercy. Love for this precious new child with which I have been entrusted. Love for my boys. Love for you. Love from God to me and a recognition of His tender mercies in my life.
For a few minutes this afternoon, I was was gifted with complete peace. All is well, all is well. There was a moment of perfect clarity that maybe, just maybe, things would be made right between you and I at some point in the future. Today, for just a moment, I visited that place of transcendent rest where justice, love, and mercy intersect – a place of hope. A place of healing. A place of refuge…sanctuary.
I wish I knew how to maintain the centered quietude I had today about us. I don’t how to do it though. However, I am grateful for the momentary reassurance that God can and will eventually set things right – that He is bigger than any mistake I can make, and that there is peace, sweet peace, even for one as broken as I.
When that time might come, I don’t know. Until then I am here as always, missing you more than you will ever comprehend.