Milestones


Dear Ms. Feverfew –

Tomorrow morning you graduate from high school. I often dreamed of sneaking in to the ceremony and sitting way up top in the basketball arena at the university where it is held. But then I saw pictures of you all grown up. I knew there was no way I could make an appearance there, as clandestine as it might be, and not be recognized for who I am. Plus, I live 2220 miles away from you now and think I might have a hard time justifying a trip back home just 16 days after the birth of your sister.

We are cut from the same cloth, you and I. Right down to the high set cheekbones and the way we part our hair. We are the same height and wear the same shoe size. If we were ever in the same place at the same time, there would be absolutely no mistaking that I am your mother and you are my daughter. So much so that I recently had a friend who doesn’t know about you but lives in your same, small, provincial hometown email me to say she saw “my twin” at the library the other day.

*Deep, long, drawn out sigh.* If only she knew the truth. If she only knew.

So happy graduation, my darling Boo Bear. I can hardly believe it has been 6552 days since you were born. I won’t be there in person but I will certainly be there in spirit and heart. I hope tomorrow is as wonderful as you can possibly imagine and I pray your future brings you happiness, success, and much love.

M.

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4 thoughts on “Milestones

  1. I saw the photos of my daughter’s graduation. She looked so different from her afamily. I’m sure people must have commented about it on the night. So although I wasn’t there I am sure they all thought about me at some stage…
    I do understand the dream of sneaking into such events. I have heard of first mothers doing this. Hugs to you.

    • I was wondering if her adoptive family thought of me at all that day too…

      I wish I had thought/been told more about how adoption sets things all akimbo in a person’s life. I didn’t have the foresight (nor was anyone who HAD it willing to help me) to think through the rest of FOREVER. Graduations. Weddings. Grandchildren. I shudder and weep at the thought of the long term ramifications now…why didn’t I see it then? How could I see it then?

      Oh crap. Now I am crying again. Dang it – will this ever not make me cry?

      M.

      • It will make you cry less often. I can’t promise it will never make you cry- I think about all those things too, and it makes me want to weep, and often does make me weep. I hold onto the good things I have now, and what I will have in the future. It’s the promise of those things that keep me from weeping too often~

      • You know Mary, there are so many things I just never thought about and *no one* ever encouraged me to think through…things like graduations. Weddings. Grandchildren. I know it sounds dramatic, but I want to perish at the thought of the grandchildren I may never get to know, never get to hold, to cherish, to love. Why didn’t I have the foresight to see that far down the path of life???? How could I have been so freakin’ blind to the future?

        I was told that eventually the pain would ease – that this tremendous ache for my daughter would be healed and that I would “move on” in my life. But how does a mother ever “move on?” I have figured out how to survive but the “moving on” part of the equation still eludes me.

        M.

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