“If There Be a God”

God, if there be a God –

I will give what ever you ask of me…just take this pain from me. I need to be able to care for the children I have with me and stop suffering for the one I don’t. I don’t even need or want to understand any of this anymore. I just need to stop hurting.


7 thoughts on ““If There Be a God”

  1. also, please take extra good care of you. I think my experience was different from yours in that I was in the deepest of fogs when my other babies were born. I only came out when my youngest was about 4 and then it all hit me full force at reunion after a fully closed adoption. My oldest is now 34. My youngest; nearly 13.

    So I don’t totally know what it is like to have a newborn and then also have the pain to deal with too. I know I had PPD after my third born; and I saw a counselor, then. Adoption issues were probably all wrapped up in it then; but again, I was in deep, deep fog.

    One day at a time. One moment at a time One feeding at a time. One washload at a time. You are a beautiful and precious mother to all of your children. I hope that you are granted a reprieve from the hurt. know that God is my breath; I have surrendered it all and my self to him many times over during the worst of it. I have other mothers say to me, “Roxanne, you will never make sense of the adoption of your son. It is crazy and crazy making.” I am beginnig to really believe them.

    • Thank you so much Roxanne for the reminder to be gentle on myself…it has been tough sorting out which of this is adoption garbage and which is true post-partum stuff. Your advice to take it one day at a time, one moment, one feeding, one washload is exactly what I needed to hear.


  2. I know only too well what you are saying. Each moment seems bittersweet.

    Hang in there. Thinking of you. Lets talk sometime soon.

    Hugs & Kisses.


    • A., I hate that other mothers have felt this same way. There is something so wrong, so tragically wrong that so many of us know the pain of losing a child to adoption.

      I hate it.


  3. OMG, you could have written that straight from my hear today… I suggest you NOT read my latest blog!!

    I am so very sorry, not that word can even help right now, but I want you to know I am sitting here with you, crying with you and suffering this pain right next to you. You are not alone.

    Sending hugs ((((((((M)))))))))))

    Much love,
    Myst xxx

    This whole thing sux beyond words 😦

    • Wow…is something afoot in the universe? Your blog post captures what my brain could not put into words yesterday. Like I told A., I hate that others feel this way but there is some comfort in knowing that I am not the only one who struggles with this. Thank you for the support –


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