Independence Day


This may be the last one of these that I write for quite a long time. During the time since my MIL showed up unannounced in your life, your mother has called me twice. The first time to talk to me about what had happened (all seemed like it was okay – you were a little startled, but managing the “shocking news” okay). When I asked her if I could send you a CD with pictures on it from the time you were with me and the card I handmade for you on your 18th birthday, she said she thought you would like to have them. My heart was brimming with unbridled joy – now you would know how much I loved you.

The second phone call was yesterday.  She said she had talked to your father and they had decided you shouldn’t have those things. She asked if I had already sent the items and if I had addressed them to you. I said I had because she had given me permission to do so. I would have never sent them if she hadn’t said yes. She said, “Ooooooooh. We will have to watch for it because we don’t want to complicate her life any more than it already is.”

And then my heart fell to the floor in a million tiny shards.  I knew then they may never give you the letter I spent countless hours writing, the card I carefully crafted, or the pictures that would tell you of how adored and cherished you were as a tiny baby.

After the called ended, a cry from the deepest recesses of my soul poured out. I sat in the rocking chair, clinging to your little 8-week old sister like a life preserver as I sobbed out loud over and over, “Dear God, please let me stop loving [Ms. Feverfew]. Make me not care any more, just make me not care.”

I was awash in a sea of pain as exquisite and intense as any I have felt during my lifetime and I was being swallowed up by it. Tears streamed down and fell on your sister’s head for what seemed like hours. When I put my hand up to smooth my tears from her downy hair, I came to understand that I need to let you go completely, totally, and without question for the sake of the children I have with me. They need me – she needs me here, now, and in the flesh, not in some imagined future capacity. It was then that I realized any hope for some kind of relationship I might have harbored in the corners of my heart were in vain. According the the L.D.S. religion, you will never again be my child in any way, not here or in the eternities.

I will always love, I will always care…I just cannot hope any longer. And these letters represent hope to me so I may not be writing many more of them.  I cannot get over this but I need to figure out how to get around it. I know I cannot be whole again but I must mend the pieces that are left behind.

So I lift you up and turn you over to God, if there is a God. There is nothing more I can do for us, nothing more I can say. What I can do is get on with being fully present for the children who are with me and to let go of this shadow-sister of theirs. They deserve that and so do I.  I am just not sure how to do that but perhaps I can figure it out as I go along.

Much love and belief –

Your Mother

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18 thoughts on “Independence Day

  1. Darling, darling Melynda- do not do this to yourself. I know how much it hurts, I know how much you want to run to her and hold her, and tell her all the things you have held in for all these long years. Hold onto hope, do not for one minute think she is not your daughter. She is, flesh of your flesh, and bone of your bone. NO piece of paper changes that- not law changes that. Nor does any religious belief- she is your child, as much as she is theirs. Two mothers, and two fathers, and your children are her siblings. No you can’t let the shadow sister come between you and your raised children, but you can have both in your life. Call me if you need to darling M- I love you and I know you can do this!

  2. I have been thinking of you for days, since your mil visited your daughter.
    and even though it might not seem like it right now, I think it was a great thing she did. Because now she(your daughter) knows that she is part of your life. If your mil knows about her, takes time to visit her and meet her, she must know that she has always been a part of your life. Your daughter was part of you, part of your family and important enough to be found. Her aparents might never have told her about you, and she might never had known about you but now she does. She will remember that, think of that and in her own time, she will seek you out again.
    I truly believe that. I am an adoptee, and in my heart, I believe she will process this experience and eventually seek you out too.
    Don’t let her aparents get in the way of your future. There is hope, there is always hope. and maybe just maybe God will help your letter get to her hands. I am LDS too, and I know that God helped me find my family, it was so easy and fell into place so easily that I can only see Gods hands in it.
    Keep the Faith!!!

    • Linda – Oh my, I weep to read your comments! To hear that you are LDS too and that you found your family….that gives me such hope. I have come to the conclusion that there is no other way that this can be healed/fixed/mended but by the power of the Atonement and through His loving hand in my life and hers. The pain of adoption is just too overwhelming and the wounds too deep to be fixed entirely by man. Thank you for your comments –

      M.

  3. (((((Melynda)))) I am so very, very sorry to hear this 😦

    I hate to say I understand how you are feeling right now because it sounds dismissive and I don’t want to dismiss how you are feeling…

    But I have been there. My daughter’s adopters told me once that I would never see her again, the adoption was closed down for a while and even when the door was cracked open a little (more so for their sake than mine), it is still heavily controlled by them and their whims.

    The weight is just so heavy… so very heavy and you have been doing this longer than I.

    Please, don’t give up. I know how much easier it might seem to want to give up and bury your grief in a deep hole… only it will always be there and it will eventually grow so large it will eat you from inside out. It is so unfair, we have these layers that keep getting peeled backas we struggle to deal over and over with things people should just not have to deal with. And because of the love we have for our children, we keep pulling out more even though we are literally screaming in anguish as we do so.

    I know you have been waiting, holding out until she is 18 and this is such a massive blow… but please know that she herself may start questioning things and she may seek you out herself. If there is a way to get a message to her from your MIL that you hope she comes to see you sometime and that you love her very much, she may just pick up the thread herself.

    These people are so callous and cold to be so cruel. They are obviously threatened by you and so feel the need to shut it down. I think that is just nasty.

    You can never stop loving her… to deny yourself the freedom to love her will be adding more torture to what you arre already suffering. I know this only because it is what I once tried to do and was feeling very keenly again this past weekend.

    As for the LDS thing… its just a doctrine and not God or Nature. Man cannot change what God and Nature have ordained and you wil ALWAYS be her mother as dictated by Life itself. All the religious crap and laws in the world can NEVER change that no matter how much it tries its hardest to make us believe it can. It is YOUR DNA she carries, YOU who brought her into this world, not them and that counts fro more than you could ever imagine.

    For now, take it easy, look after yourself and your baby girl who needs you more than A right now. Give yourself permission and do not feel guilty for giving yourself to your other children… they are here and now and you cannot change what is BUT do not give up. Keep the candle burning and one day, she will come around. It may not be for a long time so in the meantime, do not deprive yourself of a life of love and joy because you deserve it so very, very much. You have more than enough of your share of pain.

    The pain for A will always be there, sadly. Its a part of our cursed journey. But please don’t feel guilty about turning your energies to your children who are here and now and need you.

    Its something I have to do to… our kids feel so mcuh, sense so much and they are innocent in all of this. Its so hard to protect them from all of it!

    I am always here if you need to just email me… wish I was closer so we could chat. I recognise so much of myself in your words, its scary!

    Sending all the love possible,
    Myst

    PS Blessings on your little Princess xxx

    • Myst- thank you so very, very much. I have come back many times over the past few weeks and re-read your comments. I cannot tell you how helpful they have been. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

      M.

  4. I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is so sad that your daughters adoptive parents cannot see and do not care about the pain they cause the woman that made them parents.

    Please do not give up hope ~ after all, what is there for us (first) moms except hope? I have hope that one day I will meet & have a true relationship with my son, just as I wish the same for all mothers that lost their children to adoption.

    Your daughter is always and forever just that ~ your daughter. Once a mother, always a mother. A piece of paper cannot change that.

    Hugs & sending much love,
    Susie

  5. Melynda,

    Your letter has broken my heart. I have no words of “advice” as I do not know and can not begin to understand your pain, but I will pray for you and for your daughter. I will pray that at sometime, in some way you will be reunited.

    I don’t understand why her adoptive mother would speak to her adoptive father, but why they, together, would not speak to her. Not all AP’s disregard birth parents. I sincerely hope that you can tell her how much she is, and was loved, not only for your own healing, but for her well-being as well. Complicated or not, this is HER story and she deserves to know it fully.

    Sincerely,
    Mandy
    adoptive mom

  6. Melynda, I am so sorry this has happened. Your post brought tears to my eyes. How can anyone be so cruel? I don’t understand how this will ever help her in the long run and I am so sorry you have to go through this right now. I know how hard it is to be dealing with something emotionally intense at the same time you SHOULD be dealing with the present situation ie your baby. It is hard!!
    Hang in there. Will all our questions ever be answered? Will it all be made clear? Can one really endure in faith that all will be made right? E. Holland said we should never give up faith or hope but sometimes I wonder what that even means.
    You are a beautiful person. This is so evident and comes through here in your blog. Your daughter will know you someday and be as in awe of you as we are.

    Maryreunited…your comment here is just lovely as well. So tender and well put. I love this community of women.

    • Can one really endure in faith that all will be made right?

      I don’t know, Shannan, but I am trying. It is the only desperate thread I can cling to right now. Thank you for the support – now that I am getting 4 or so straight hours of sleep consistently each night, I feel much more able to address all of “this” (between the laundry, cooking, nursing, cleaning, studying, cognating, dissertating, and yard work.) I think I am going to send her a message over her FB account in a month or so just letting her know when she is ready, I am here for her.

  7. ((Melynda))

    Trust me, I know your pain. Ever so much I know it. Do not give up. Take a break, heal, be there for those you love in your present. Your daughter IS your daughter, and always will be. Don’t believe the lies. I know they’ve said them over and over, because they want you to believe it. Please don’t believe it, if you say the words, when your daughter is old enough to know the truth and seek you ought, if you say those words to her, they will break her heart. Don’t shut her out. Take your time, heal, be there for your baby, leave here if you must, but heal for you, and leave that door open. You don’t even have to be near it, but don’t lock it.

    • No worries about me shutting her out…that is something I could never, ever do to her or any of my children. I will always count her among the jewels in my crown, regardless of what the LDS church tells me I should or shouldn’t do.

  8. ((((BIG HUGS Melynda))))

    I’m so sorry. I’ve been thinking of you and I had missed you.

    I agree totally with what Myst said.

    I do not mean either to minimize, but 18 is very very young. She’s still growing up, and it sounds to me like her adopters are not going make it easy. It’s your daughters own journey. She doesn’t know that yet.

    Welcome to the waiting room, you are in good company.

    She IS your daughter, nothing on earth can change that. Not what her adopters say, not what the LDS church says, NOTHING.

    Again, I’m so sorry.

    Please take good care of yourself, and you children! I’m here for you anytime.

    Hugs & Love,

    Allison

    • Thanks so much – I know it has taken me a while to respond, but I feel like I am much more able to manage all of this now. It was pretty intense there for a while, what with a new baby, no sleep, and all of this going on. Now that little P. is sleeping a bit better at night and the post-baby hormones have settled a bit, I don’t feel so completely overwhelmed.

      Many hugs back to you – I can’t tell you thank you enough for the support.

      M.

  9. If your daughter is 18 then she is an adult now. You don’t need those people’s permission to contact her.

    I suggest you get in touch with her yourself and let her know that you want to know her. Let her decided for herself if she is ready to be a part of you – her mother’s and her baby sister’s life.

    By letting those people keep you away you are denying her the right to know her mother.

    She’s 18 years old.

    Barge in, dare to be bold. The worst thing that can happen already has so you have nothing to lose.

    • What great perspective – “the worst thing that can happen already has…” Too true, far to true. She starts school in a couple of weeks – I am thinking mid-fall I will drop her an email and let her know that when she is ready, be it weeks, months, or years, I am here for her. I don’t want her to ever worry that I might reject her or not want a relationship with her.

      M.

      • Kim is absolutely right. The worst thing that could ever happen already did. By withholding from your daughter the things you sent all these years her aparents are in the long run hurting themselves-

      • You know Mary, you are right. It kind of reminds me of the situation with my son’s step-mom. For a variety of reasons, she *hates* me and has never failed to let anyone and everyone around her know about her feelings towards me. When he is with them, she is very restrictive about when he can call me and requires him to refer to her as “Mom” and me by my first name. My son has just endured it for the past 13 1/2 years but is now beginning to speak up about how it makes HIM feel. Now that I am seeing the “long run” of her behavior come to fruition, that kind of behavior really just hurt the adult/parent. I figure it will probably be a similar situation with her aparents too.

        Thanks for your words of wisdom, Mary. As always, you are right. 🙂

        M.

  10. i absolutely do NOT believe that crap the church pulls about the babies not being their biological mothers children after the sealing takes place. i really struggled with that personally. but then, after a lot of inner reflection and 1:1 with the divine, i had a new understanding. i firmly know without a doubt that there is no bond, not even the sealing bond, that is stronger than the bond btwn a mother and her child. its still there, it always will be, even in the eternities, its just ‘different’. the HF that i know and love and believe in, the HF that knows and loves me and believes in me too, would not have it any other way!

    (i kinda think that the adopters, for whatever reason, need to believe that the sealing covenant somehow makes the children ‘more’ theirs than if they had adopted without a sealing. and im ok with that, they can have their belief if thats what they truly need and ill carry on, moving forward down my path, with my knowledge of the truth.)

    i applaud you for ‘letting go’ and focusing on the children that are in your home and in your life. i hope that you will find some peace with that choice. its hard im sure, but you can do hard things! good things will come- the universe is very powerful.
    adoption luvs

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