Here We Go Again – ~ God Doesn’t Do Adoption, part 11,002,546,997


Dear Ms. Feverfew –

OK – so maybe that “part 11,002,546,997” is a bit of an overstatement, it’s really part 11,002,546,992.

This latest go round has to do with John Wyatt and his baby daughter “Emma.” You can read more about it here: http://www.deseretnews.com/article/700064115/Utah-Supreme-Court-hears-fight-over-Baby-Emma.html

Needless to say, this case is causing quite the stir in the adoption blogosphere and needless to say (again), the LDS folks sure are making it easy for others to hate on them.  Just check out the comments left by readers over at Deseret News.

At any rate, I was led to a blog entry about this case on a blog titled “Rarely Home Mom.” (Does that mean she is rarely home because she is working or does that mean she is rarely home because she is busy being a helicopter parent or does that mean she is rarely home, as in she lives in another country and is rarely not “home” in the US? I digress…)

After reading the post and the comments, I left one of my own in response to another reader. I am fairly certain it will not be posted by the moderator, so I will post it here.

One of her readers says:

September 10, 2010 2:18 pm

This is so much like that story of King Solomon in the Bible. Caring for children whose lives are tangled in the courts carrys a huge amount of heartache. Someone needs to be there for them though. What a hard thing. I agree, the father is just painting himself a jerk, not proving his fatherhood.

To which my reply was:

Jendoop –

Do you remember the rest of the story of King Solomon and the baby? Do you remember who that baby ended up with? Was it the prospective adoptive mother or his natural mother? King Solomon gave the child back to his mother – a SINGLE parent, BTW.

If you are advocating that the Supreme Court in UT do the same thing – give this child back to her natural family who wants to care and love for her, then I am all for it.

M.

P.S. Here are some of my posts regarding adoption reform from an LDS perspective that your readers might find interesting:

https://letterstomsfeverfew.wordpress.com/2010/01/08/arrrrrggggghhhh/
https://letterstomsfeverfew.wordpress.com/2009/12/21/is-you-is-or-is-you-aint-or-in-other-words-a-question-for-fred-riley-of-lds-family-services/
https://letterstomsfeverfew.wordpress.com/2010/03/06/god-doesnt-do-adoption-part-2/
https://letterstomsfeverfew.wordpress.com/2010/01/12/you-know-what-chaps-my-hide/
https://letterstomsfeverfew.wordpress.com/2010/02/09/another-head-scratcher/
https://letterstomsfeverfew.wordpress.com/2010/02/05/the-mormons-and-liberalprogressive-scientific-thought-maybe-not-so-different-after-all/

I truly don’t have any more mental energy right now to deal with this so I let my previous writings speak on my behalf. In the words of the unforgettable Prince Humperdinck: “Tyrone, you know how much I love watching you work, but I’ve got my country’s 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder and Guilder to frame for it; I’m swamped.”

Much love and belief –

M.

___________________________________________________________________________

I just had to update the conversation over there on that blog. Of course Julie didn’t post my comment. Whatev.’ As a first mother in the LDS world, I am MORE than used to my voice being silenced, ignored, belittled, and marginalized. After all, I *deserve* what happened to me. At least that’s what most LDS people believe.

So here is Julie’s response to my post:

September 10, 2010 3:39 pm

Yes, it’s true that I have received comments to this post that I have not published (every first time commenter has to first be approved by me, then further posts are published at once). I am fine with people disagreeing with me (see posts by Katie above). But I won’t publish posts by people that have endless links sending readers of this original post to sites that are anti-adoption (one site says adoption is always wrong, in every situation!), anti-Mormon (nice, making my non-religious argument about my religion), and just plain ignorant.

Disagree with me, but don’t be a jerk.

Bottom line here: what needs to be decided is how the different state adoption laws will work together. This adoptive couple are not criminals – they followed the laws in at least one state. They are not kidnappers. I’m so tired of that argument. So, we can all agree that there needs to be action to prevent future disagreements like this.

It’s amazing to me that so many of you don’t agree that the best interests of this child can’t come first. Have mercy.

And here is mine:

Oh my, Julie. Anti Mormon??? Anti-adoption? Ignorant? Did you actually take the time to read those links?

Do I need to pull out my temple recommend or give you my Bishop’s phone number? Would you like to sit in on the Sunday School classes I teach? Would you like to see my tax returns that show how much we tithed last year and how much we donated in fast offerings (BTW, some of which goes to support LDSFS adoptions to help people such as yourself get children?), how much we donated to the mission fund and the humanitarian fund? Do you want to sit in on the Compassionate Service meetings I attend? Attend the ward activities I planned? The Enrichment classes I teach? Do you want to join me and my family at 6:30 a.m. tomorrow morning for scripture study and family prayer? Do you want to go with me when I do my Visiting Teaching this month? Perhaps you could join me on my morning 3 mile walk as I listen to the latest conference addresses on my mormonradio app. Do you want me to show you pictures of me singing with the the Mormon Youth Chorus at a solemn assembly when a new prophet was sustained? Would you like to join my efforts to “clothe the naked” and make infant care kits, knit hats, and sew dresses for children who have less? Do you want to join me as I go to a Sister’s house to teach her the basics of child care, home making skills, and budgeting because the Lord prompted me to do and then the RS president asked me to do it? Do you want me to parade you past the pictures at the Orem Institute of Religion that show me as part of the choir and part of the student leadership way back in the day? Should I send you pictures of my 1-year food storage? Do you want to make the 3.5 hours one-way trip with me to attend the temple? We could have a great chat on the way there, I am sure. I even know how to make funeral potatoes and green jello with shredded carrots in it!!! Even more, I kind of like them too. Would any of that convince you that I am NOT anti-Mormon?

What I am is a Mormon who is willing to turn over the rock of infant adoption and look at what might be underneath. Sometimes you find cool stuff, sometimes you don’t. I am a Mormon who is honestly seeking to reconcile the pure doctrine of Christ with her own experiences in the culture.

Anti-adoption? Perhaps, but *certainly* not the way you may assume. I am anti-the way *INFANT* adoption is currently practiced now (adoption through foster care is another thing entirely). You know, some of my dearest friends are adoptive mothers, just the variety that have the courage to look at this from every angle, even the ones that make them feel uncomfortable and queasy.

Please, as a fellow sister in Zion, I urge you to read some of those posts before you jump to conclusions about me as a person. Perhaps you will still come to the conclusion that I am ignorant and I am fine with that. But at least it will be an informed decision.

In the mean time, I will be praying for you that your heart will be softened and yes, I will continue to seek mercy. Mercy for the mothers who have lost children to adoption, mercy for the children who have lost their first families, and mercy for those who feel like it is their God given right to remove those children from their mothers. If there is one thing we ALL need, it is mercy from the Great Healer and Physician.

Much love,

M.

Advertisements

11 thoughts on “Here We Go Again – ~ God Doesn’t Do Adoption, part 11,002,546,997

  1. I have to say, I love the title!

    As I said at my blog, you were the first one I thought of when I read the post.

    After reading the writers last comment, I don’t think your comment will be posted. As she says, she won’t post anything anti – (enter adoption mormon, etc here). But you have reached out and touched many of us – myself included – in what you have to say!

    I know your wisdom has been a great eye-opener to me!

    • Cassi – Of course she won’t post it! She lacks the cajones to be brave enough to hear the other side. I posted a response to her comment about being anti-Mormon, anti-adoption, an ignorant jerk. Pretty certain it won’t get posted either. I edited my original post to include her comments. Feel free to share with others…

      M.

  2. My comment that is awaiting moderation:

    “I feel like I’m walking a tightrope here, wanting to express my true opinion but not wanting to come across as comment-deletion-worthy.

    I guess I wonder how any of us would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. What if we were this man…who fathered a child and then had to fight, tooth and nail, to get her back because her mother gave her up for adoption? Have compassion for him…have compassion for the little girl who didn’t have a choice in whether she was adopted or not.

    “Utah has really strict laws about rights of birth fathers, and their rights are pretty minimal here.”

    Wow..just to be clear, no one’s celebrating the above fact, right?”

    • Looks like you made the cut!!! (((Hugs))) to you Christina – may you keep up the good fight and “stand on the rock where Moses stood.”

      M.

      P.S. Edited to add I simply *love* the Moses adoption story. It makes my heart sing, as it should all adoptees. Here is a man, a man of God – an adoptee – who returns to his people, his first family. Eventually, he returns to his adoptive father’s house and speaks truth to power. He doesn’t back down, he doesn’t flinch. Brilliant, I say, brilliant.

  3. good to see you back and fighting M. The other blog post made my skin crawl. What is wrong with adoptive parents? the fact that this man is going to the ends of the earth to get the child back is indicative of the kind of man he is. They should give him his child back and apologize. They will move on, find another child…it’s just the truth. If he loses the baby…he will NEVER move on and forget HIS child.
    Would you agree?

    And Christina…shocked to see you didn’t get deleted. Why…I’ve never seen you edit yourself so mannerly:). Nicely done:)

    • Thanks, Shannan. I consider you to be among those people who “get it” and I am grateful for your support.

      You said:

      They will move on, find another child…it’s just the truth. If he loses the baby…he will NEVER move on and forget HIS child. Would you agree?

      I agree, 100%. I was told I would “get over” my daughter. I was told that I would have more children. Well, I did have more children but I have never gotten “over” her. The reason is simple: She is a unique creation, there is no other individual who carries her exact DNA, has her exact mannerisms, has her exact interest. Having another child DOES NOT replace her because they are not her. It reminds me of when my older sister died. People would tell my mom, “Oh, you must be so comforted to have so many other children.” Even at that tender age, I didn’t understand that reasoning. None of us could replace that unique individual who was my sister. No matter hard any of us could have tried, we simply could not fill that void. My mother’s grief was for her daughter – that daughter – that singular creation she gave life to.

      I know it would be exquisitely painful for those adoptive parents to do the right thing and return that child to her father but like you, I believe they will move on, they will find a child who TRULY needs a home. Baby Emma has a home – and that is with her natural father.

      P.S. I am coming to UT in October for comps. Maybe we should get together for lunch!

  4. “Oh, you must be so comforted to have so many other children.” Why would someone think this is okay?

    As a mother who is currently facing the possible loss of a son, I am offended to think that my other children will somehow erase the memories of his existence. It’s horrible. Your poor mother.

    And seriously what are you supposed to say to your daughter someday. “I never missed you because I have other kids.” ??? It’s incredibly insensitive and stupid.

  5. Hi M,

    I have been neglecting my kids and reading your blog for an hour. I want to know you, and I’ll be back to read more. My husband and I have adopted 4 children via LDSFS. We’ve been on the adoption-is-blessed-and-happy wagon, but don’t deny the heartaches from all sides. We’ve become a family because of adoption, but my kids feel the pain, and I see and feel it with them. We have 3 open adoptions, 1 closed (not our choice). Thank you for sharing your life and your pain so openly. ~Me

    • Me – Thanks for stopping by my blog! I am sorry for distracting you from your little ones and hope they forgive the both of us for it. 🙂 I know what I write is raw at sometimes, full of emotions that might make people uncomfortable or even angry. I appreciate your willingness to read and to listen with an open mind and an open heart. I believe it can only make us better mothers and better people if we seek to understand all the truths about adoption, even ones we don’t necessarily want to know about.

      I truly am not anti-adoption as I believe there will always be a need for it but I think as LDS people, we need to unlearn what the world has taught us about sealed birth records, preserving natural families when possible (and I know it is not always possible or preferable), and protection of single expectant parents rights to find a higher ground. As the Lord’s people, we should be and could be leading the nation on these issues.

      I hope you keep reading and commenting – I truly value the input of all of those touched by adoption. Your insights will help me be a better parent to my daughter, should she ever want to have contact with me.

      M.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s