Not My Normal Modus Operandi

I am not one to normally point others to blogs that I find hurtful or offensive because, well, Cricket does such a good job of it already!  My thought is, why mess with perfection?  At any rate, I don’t know why I do this to myself but there are a couple of the more odious adoptive parent blogs out there that I read on occasion.  One of them in particular, “Heart Cries” riles me on a regular basis. Why do I keep going back to read more? Why oh why oh why?

Maybe because I am honestly seeking to understand all the sides of this equation – truly, I am. In my journey I have met some wonderful adoptive parents who understand, as much as they can, my side and your side of the adoption equation. But then….then there are some that just never seem to get it.

For example, there’s this lovely quote from Rebekah:

But, you know what? Charging $20,000-40,000 to add to our family is robbery….We are only so willing to pay X amount of money for future children. It’s such an unfair moral dilemma that adoptive families are thrown into.” (Adoptive mother, Rebekah at

Robbery? Robbery???? Does she really want to walk down that path?  An unfair moral dilemma for adoptive families? Does she really want to walk down that path too?

Robbery, Rebekah? Let me speak truth to you about robbery.

Let me tell you of millions of women who have been robbed of their children by a society who lusts and covets after a thing which is not theirs (remember that commandment, the one found in Deuteronomy 5:21 – that one about not coveting anything that is thy neighbor’s? That includes their babies.)

Let me tell you of millions of adults who have been systematically robbed of their identity, robbed of their true heritage, robbed of the connection with their people because their original birth records are sealed.  (Remember that commandment, Rebekah? The one in Deuteronomy 5:20 that states “neither shalt thou bear false witness against thy neighbor.”  That includes lying on a birth certificate. God does not prevaricate, He is unchangeable from season to season. A lie is a lie is a lie.) If you are in possession of a falsified birth record, then you are not keeping this commandment. How do you repent of this? By doing every thing in your position of power (because as an adoptive mother, you have ALL the power in this equation) to pass legislation allowing every adopted person unfettered access to their original, unaltered birth records. Better yet, why don’t you use your position of power to start advocating for the end of lying on birth certificates entirely? Or why don’t you use your position of power to speak up for the preservation of original families?

Robbery, Rebekah?

An unfair moral dilemma, Rebekah? Let me speak truth to you about unfair moral dilemmas.

Let me tell you of millions of mothers who were forced, coerced, pressured, compelled, lied to, lectured, belittled, harangued, harassed, intimidated, browbeat, and bullied into surrendering their child to a “more deserving” woman. And don’t think for a moment that this doesn’t occur  today, in this day and age. As the brave warrior-mothers of the BSE regained their voices, the adoption industry’s socially-sanctioned bullying just became “high touch.” Trust me. Ask me how I know. Let me speak truth to you, Rebekah, of the moral dilemma of being told that if you really, truly love your child, then you will give it away to complete strangers but once you do, you are then met with the hushed horror of comments like, “I could NEVER do that to my child!”

Let me speak truth to you about unfair moral dilemmas. Let me tell you of millions of adoptees who struggle to find their own identity, who battle the dilemma of loyalty to their adoptive family and their need to be connected in very real and tangible ways to their first family. Walk a day in their shoes, Rebekah, and then get back with me about “moral dilemmas.”


P.S. Dear Rebekah – Whining about how much your baby “costs” or holding fund raisers to adopt a baby: so not cool. Just sayin’.

P.P.S. Dear Rebekah – One more thing. Can you explain to me why it is OK for you to work and go to graduate school AND parent some other woman’s child but it wasn’t OK for her to work and parent her son?  Just a little confused about that…

21 thoughts on “Not My Normal Modus Operandi

  1. Gee, and here I was, thinking adoption was a choice that prospective parents deliberately set themselves into without any knowledge or research whatsoever on what adoption actually is.

  2. Perfectly said! What pukes.

    I would like to know how much they spent on the vehicles they are driving. What do you want to bet it’s not much less (if not more) than they are whining about paying for a child.

    And they don’t get how wrong that is to whine about? Why aren’t they whining about WHY it costs so much? Why aren’t they researching WHY the adoption agencies charge so much? Do you suppose they have done any research to see what the big whigs in the adoption agency make per year? Do you suppose they would ever believe that adoption agencies spend millions of dollars finding new ways to convince young moms that adoption is a wonderful choice ~ a choice they willingly made on their own?


    • Hmmm…I hadn’t even thought about it from the “how much did you spend on your car” angle of things. That is an excellent point, Susie! I am just so astounded that adoptive parents would even discuss how much their new acquisition “costs”, especially in an open setting like a blog, all laying out there for the whole world to read. And then to whine about how it is robbery and put them in an unfair moral dilemma????? Say what?


      • I think that the APs who do so have convinced themselves that they are entitled to parent. They resent their infertility. They feel frustrated, depressed, hopeless, impatient, and very sad. I know I did; I felt all of those things. Except entitled. I never felt that. I spent eight years in the crippling grip of infertility, and never once did I think that I ‘deserved’ a child or that someone ‘owed’ me a child or that another woman should just ‘admit that she’s unfit and give her kid up already’ – all things I have heard (or read) PAPs say.

        I haven’t yet been able to sort out how much of that attitude of entitlement is pure self-absorption and how much is cultivated by the adoption industry, whether intentionally or not. PAPs hear an awful lot from industry professionals about their (the PAPs) needs, desires, dreams, fitness to parent, choices, etc., and VIRTUALLY NOTHING about the needs, desires, dreams, fitness to parent, choices, etc. of first parents.

        Your post kicked a lot of things loose in my mind, and rather than run on and on here, I’m going to post a response on my blog. Glad you’re active in cyberspace.

      • “…how much is cultivated by the adoption industry, whether intentionally or not…”

        Yes, Sally, this!!!! I don’t think these attitudes are intentional for the most part in an adoptive mother (though there are exceptions), but I think that society/the adoption culture sets them up to feel this way. Off to read your post over on your blog –


  3. Hey M? You are my frakking hero! Christina you are also one of my hero’s. Has anyone tried to post a link back to this on the blog in question?

    • 🙂 Thanks, Mary. I haven’t bothered leaving a comment over on “Heart Cries” letting her know I written a response. (Bad ‘netiquette I know, but hey, I am just a “bitter birth mother,” so whatev.’) Like my husband said the other night, sometimes talking to folks like Rebekah is just “kicking against the pricks.” It serves no purpose other than to bloody my toes. Certainly isn’t going to change her mind!

      Now back to studying for comps –


    • 🙂 I thought you might appreciate it, oncewasvon. I still cannot thank you enough for recommending Evelyn Robinon’s books! Some of the best stuff out there for post-adoption healing and reunion.


  4. All I can say is Bravo! Bravo! Bravo! I love your writing! You do such a great job of bringing out the facts on the other side that so many way to deny actually exist.

    • “Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passion, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence.” John Adams, Dec 1770

      They are stubborn things, aren’t they? A rational person cannot argue against facts…they might argue with me, but it doesn’t change what the facts are. Now an irrational person…well, that’s another whole ball o’ wax.


      P.S. Why do I cry every time I read one of your posts over at adoptiontruth? Oh yeah…your words echo my heart.

  5. I have spend the last few days reading through most of your blog. I used to do that a lot but mostly I quit doing that. I like how your so honest. You have some very good points and some that I had never even thought of.
    We have a little in common. Both our girls are of the same age. My daughter’s family has always been able to find me because it was a friend of the family but they choose to keep me away. Also, when I did find out that they were living in the same area and wrote them they ignored me. I did find my daughter on FB right after her birthday. I wasn’t sure if I should contact her that way but I just had to. I have learned a lot about her and been able to see pictures of her. She didn’t know anything about me or my family. She didn’t even know that the friend of her adoptive Mother’s was her great aunt by blood. It’s been great to be in contact but it’s not what I wish for. I want more. But I have to take it in her time. I hope you hear from your daughter soon. I am so jealous that you had another girl. I know she won’t take the place of your first girl but maybe she can help you in the way that you to get to experience Motherhood to a daughter. Thanks for sharing your story.

    • Oh my Christy – we do have a lot in common (unfortunately). I have contacted my first daughter through FB but haven’t heard back. I don’t know if I ever will, to be honest with you. She not only has the “normal” adoptee stuff to work through, but the LDS version of adoption too. In the LDS version, your first parents DO NOT matter. EVER. Well, except for medical records. It is official church policy that an adopted person have NO contact with their first families. LDSFS “sells” something very different in an effort to coerce mothers to surrender their children (i.e., open-ish adoption), but the adoptive parents ALWAYS can fall back on (a) the secular law and (b) religious policy to exclude their child’s first family. So that’s a long way of saying she not only has to overcome the regular stuff, but the religious stuff too. And very few people are able to break free from the LDS version of the adoption fog so I don’t have my hopes up.


  6. Good God! did anyone else see this response to Heart Cries post? Granted its anon but the fact that its still up there is disturbing to say the least especially considering she claims such a great relationship with the natural mother…. here’s the quote:Anonymous said…
    I know this is crazy sounding but have you ever thought of asking Rebekah to be a surrogate? I think that would be an awesome idea that would work out well for all involved. Is this something you have ever thought at all about?
    I’d love to know what the little boy’s first mother would think of that suggestion…

    • Holy crap. I just went and read through all of the comments and wowzers…I don’t have time to address them all right now, but what a way to start my morning off! Thanks for prodding me to read them.

      One thing I do have to say is that Rebekah’s stance on adoption has evolved quite a bit – I think open adoption what the single best thing that could have happened to her because she is witnessing first hand the long, painful compounding loss of a child to adoption. Take a look at her most recent blog post:

      I have had very mixed feelings about open adoptions but just this morning I thought that maybe it might be a good thing in that it allows adoptive parents to witness the effects of adoption on a first mother – the mystery is removed. They get a first-hand taste of woman’s inhumanity towards woman. Some, like Rebekah, have their hearts changed and realize what first mothers and adoptees have been saying all along: domestic infant adoption isn’t quite the great panacea that the adoption industry makes it out to be. First mothers don’t forget. We don’t “move on” and “get over” our children. Yes, we may carve out a life for ourselves (sometimes a very successful life) from the stony aftermath of adoption but we never forget. Open adoption forces the adoptive parent to deal with this in very real and tangible ways.


  7. “I know this is crazy sounding but have you ever thought of asking Rebekah to be a surrogate? I think that would be an awesome idea that would work out well for all involved. Is this something you have ever thought at all about?”
    No wonder this comment is Anonymous, it sure is a crazy idea and one without heart or feeling or any sense of what she’s going through and will go through.What is she a breeding sow?
    A perfect example of woman’s inhumanity to woman don’t you think?

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