Asymmetry. Imbalance. Incongruent.


Dear Ms. Feverfew –

As I have ventured into the realm of post-first contact, I have been struck by the imbalance in this topsy-turvy world of adoption where children call their mother a stranger and a stranger their mother.

There seems to be a lot of us on both sides of the equation who are longing for a relationship with the Other, but the Other (for whatever reason) doesn’t want to have a relationship with us.  Adoptees who want to be a part of their natural mothers’ lives but their natural mothers are too damaged, broken, unfeeling (for whatever reason) to be able to let them back in. Natural mothers who want to be a part of their now-adult child’s life but their now-adult child is to damaged, broken, unfeeling (for whatever reason) to be able to let her back in.

Why can’t the the (un)natural mothers who don’t want to have anything to do with their children be the mothers of the adoptees who don’t want to have anything to do with their natural parents? And why can’t the natural mothers who long to know their now-adult children be the mothers of adoptees who would rejoice to know their natural mothers?

Am I making any sense at all, or just talking in circles here? Natural mothers who want to know their kids + kids who want to know their natural mother = The Way it Should Be.  In my perfect world, that’s how it would be.

Wait. No, that’s not how it would be.  In my perfect world, there would be no need for adoption. Ever.

Much love and belief in the glorious creation that you are –

M.

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4 thoughts on “Asymmetry. Imbalance. Incongruent.

  1. Just found your blog yesterday and read through the entire thing in one evening. Your love for your daughter is palpable. I hope she responds to you soon; I have to think she will.

    I’m an adoptive mother and I want so much for my daugther to have a chance to know her family some day. The odds are slim because she’s from China, but I’m hopeful anyway. I think about her family all the time. My heart aches for their loss, and I wish so much they could know how wonderful she is and how much we love her. I have a million questions for them; I can’t imagine how many questions my daughter has and will have as she grows. She’s still small, but we talk about adoption and her first family all the time and I hope she will be comfortable talking about them always. Your blog gives wonderful insight into a mother’s heart; I’m sure many adoptees and other adoptive parents take comfort from it even as we ache with and for you.

    Peace (and thanks) to you.

    • Welcome, Susan. I appreciate your kind words. I am glad to hear that as an adoptive mother, you are open to your daughter meeting her first family someday. I urge you to keep learning and reading, especially international adoptees’ blogs. Sometimes the things they write are so very difficult to read but it can only help in knowing how to parent your daughter. I know that reading adoptees’ blogs have really helped me understand what my daughter is facing and has helped me be a better mother to my parented children.

      Melynda

    • Does it make you want to kick and scream sometimes too? I know it does me but then I remember I am a grown up and pitching a hissy fit won’t solve anything.

      M.

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