Outing Myself on Facebook

Dear Ms. Feverfew –

You would be so proud of me. Since I have been home, I haven’t once been tempted to take a sharp turn off the [insert the name of your small town here] ramp on I-15 and drive past your parents place. I didn’t once ask my good friend to track you down on campus at the [insert name of your university here] while she was there for a 2-day conference. I would have liked to attendย  said conference but I figure that would be tempting fate – you know that old problem we have of looking like twins. Well, actually you don’t know but that’s OK. I know.

I haven’t spent much time on the computer either, what with having living a life that I am sometimes accused of not having because I am a “bitter LDS birthmother with nothing better to do.” However,ย  I did take some time between dazzling my graduate committee with my brilliance and hanging out with my amazing family to check my Google reader today. One of the blogs I follow directed me to a newly found first mom blog full of insightful & honest writing, Hidden Beneath the Surface.

I was particularly moved by her post from today: http://nzrose05.wordpress.com/2010/10/27/coming-out/, especially after spending last Friday night with my wonderful younger sis. It made me think about my own Facebook page – I only had Captain Knuckle listed under “Children.” I first listed him when he joined Facebook a few weeks ago but it felt strange and awkward to only have him there, as adorable as he might be. After all, I do have three other children as equally adorable.

So today, spurred on by the courage the author of Hidden Beneath the Surface displayed, I outed myself as a first mother on Facebook. (Once I get home and have access to a photo editor, I will post a picture here. ) I now have Captain Knuckle, The Professor, Princess P., and Little Ms. Boo Bear (lost to adoption 1993) posted in my “Children” section.

And it feels good.

I have quite a few adoptive mother friends on Facebook – I think I may lose some of them over this but oh well. I will most likely have some ‘splainin to do to other people as well. I will most likely have to answer difficult, uncomfortable questions, but frankly I don’t care any more.ย  If those people can’t love me – all of me which includes the fact I have four children, not three – then it’s their loss. You can be sure I will keep you updated!

So, thanks to the first mom/author of Hidden Beneath the Surface – I am now leading a more authentic life.

And it feels really good.

Much love,


19 thoughts on “Outing Myself on Facebook

    • I hope it doesn’t make her angry!!! That being said, I know it will make Captain Knuckle (my oldest son) very happy to see me listing both of his sisters. I really hope that someday she is able to work through her adoption “issues” (oh, how I HATE that word!) so that she can get to know her siblings. More than having any kind of relationship with me, I want her to have a good relationship with them. Does that sound strange or am I within the realm of “normal” on this issue?


    • Yes, Kiwi – it still feels good and I expect it always will.


      P.S. My husband was over in NZ for some training a few years back and he told me that NZ is God’s country & if we ever have to become expats, that’s where we are headed!!!

      • That is fantastic ๐Ÿ™‚

        Haha yes NZ is a wonderful place to live, we have our issues though (like everywhere else!)

        Take care Xx

  1. That is wonderful…hopefully one day you’ll be able to link to her as well.

    I haven’t done that yet, but I am “friends” with my son on facebook and I am always worried about how things I do will make him feel. Does he feel like he my son too? I don’t know, we have such a superficial relationship, so for now I just leave it be. I don’t have any of my other children listed on there though because my next oldest is my 12 year old daughter so not old enough to be on facebook, so for now I’m not excluding him, I’m just not listing any of them.

  2. I am also an LDS birthmom, my daughter Alyssa that I placed is now 18. I have also been acused of being a bitter birthmom for telling my truth. I outed myself on fb almost a year ago – it was Alyssa’s idea. The only strange thing is nobody noticed except my family.

    • Jeannette –

      The only people who have notice are my family as well!!!

      So how do you manage the November adoption-fest at church? Tomorrow is a 5th Sunday and I am wondering if the lesson is going to be the annual “Adoption is fantabulousamazing!!!” lesson. In the past, I have just gotten up and walked out. Not sure I can do that any more though. Any suggestions on how to deal with it honestly but gracefully?


  3. Melynda,

    I am really bad, I stopped going to church 3 months ago. My daughter that I placed for adoption had a son July 28th. He was born a month early and was in the NICU for 10 days. The great and amazing people that have parented my daughter for 18 years convinced her that it was in my daughters best interest to place her son for adoption. She is now in the adoptee/natural mother hell that we call life. The only people that tried to convince her to keep her son was my family and me.

    The day she signed the papers, to place her son while he still had feeding tubes in him, I broke. It was harder having my daughter place her first born and knowing what she would live through than it was for me to place her. Believe me it was horrible to live with placing her.

    The only thing helping has been blogging about it. Can I ask are you in the US? I live in California and my daughter lives in utah.


    • Jeanette –

      No, you aren’t bad. Just honest. In my book, honest never equals bad. In fact, I think God feels the same way. I don’t know about you, but I would rather be an honest apostate than a lying, self-righteous, hypocritical saint any day of the week.

      Your story is all too familiar, unfortunately. Not that anyone at LDSFS or the LDS church would care, but I wonder how many first mothers eventually end up leaving the church because of the life-long wounds caused by losing a child to adoption. I know each week I struggle mightily to go to church because of my conflicting feelings about all of “this.” I am one of the few that has chosen to stick around because my mom keeps urging me that the only way to change this craptastic culture is from within. As you are all to aware, no one will listen if I am on the outside. So every Sunday morning, I pray for grace to deal with the culture and go to church, just like I will tomorrow.

      I just read through your blog and when I got to the part about your daughter relinquishing your grandson for adoption, my heart broke. I couldn’t believe what I was reading and had to read and reread it just to make sure it said what I thought it said. I sat here and cried my eyes out for you and for her. I am so very sorry to hear that one more woman has been added to this wretched sisterhood. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ On the other hand, I am thrilled that you and your daughter are building a relationship again.

      Currently I live in Williamsburg VA, but I am originally from UT where I was raised in Orem (still gives me the heebie jeebies!), where I relinquished my daughter. It was supposed to be an open adoption so I know where she lives in UT valley and who her adoptive family is. A year or so later, I ended up going to school up in Logan and loved it up there so much I have earned 2 degrees and am now working on my PhD there at Utah State! (I am working on the final reqs for my PhD from a distance).

      I would love to get to know you more – our stories are so similar. After having my daughter in June 1992, I have gone on to have two boys (14 next week and 6 years old) and a daughter (5 months old). While reading your blog posts, there were so many of them that I could have written, word for word.

      I hear my little Penelope calling for me – gotta run and be a mom. Many hugs to you – I am so glad that you stopped by my blog!


  4. Melynda,
    Our oldest are so close in age seriously. Alyssa was born Feb 27 1992.
    She lives outside SLC close to Sandy. My parents live in Smithfield, Ut right outside of Logan. My dad got his degree at Utah State also. I have been in California since i was 3 years old.

    You and I have so much in common. I am beyond grateful to find your blog. Everytime I walk into church I now just brake down. I’m able to hold it together 99% of the time but not at church.

    I met my husband 13 months after Alyssa was born and we married within 7 months of meeting. Alyssa and my next son Alex are 2 years and 2 months apart. I had Kenny 2 and a half years after Alex. A year and a half later I had another daughter, my Cassie. I never thought I would have another daughter. So right now the kids are 18, 16,14, and 12. And I have been married for almost 17 years.

    It is hard to come out of the natural mom closet. So often I feel as if I will be knocked down as soon as someone finds out my story but I have to do this for myself and all 4 of my kids.

    If you ever want to talk email me anytime.

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