Just when I feel like I am finally “getting it” as a parent – as a first parent and a parent to your three siblings – you post yet another heart breaking tumblr post. Like a knife to the soul, it feels like my house of cards comes crashing down.
I am sorry. I know it is cold comfort at this point in your life, but I am sorry for not trusting my mother-heart and for leaving you with complete strangers.
I read posts like the one from this morning and my heart aches to wrap my arms around you, smooth your furrowed brow, and whisper in your ear it will be all right sweet daughter. It will be all right.
I wish I could turn back the hands of time and run as far and as fast with you as I possibly could. My only defense is that I truly, honestly thought I was doing the “best thing,” the “right thing,” the “loving thing.”
18 years later, I now know all of those “things” were cleverly crafted and coercive edicts based on years of research. We – you and I – didn’t stand a chance against the religious adoption machinery. I was too young and too inexperienced with life. I had spent my entire life having the dog-crap kicked out of me – I didn’t know I could trust my own judgment that was screaming at me, no no no NO NO NO!!!! I trusted my Bishop when he told me “You don’t need to parent to prove you are a good person. That’s just the abuse talking. Good mothers who love their child give them a mother and a father.” I trusted him (being a social worker and my priesthood leader) when he told me that I would have more children and “get over” you. I now know those were all lies but I didn’t know it then.
I did have more children but I have never gotten over you. The right thing would have been for me to raise you. The best thing would have been family preservation.
At this point, it is what it is. All I can do is tell you I am sorry.