National Adoption Awareness Month ~ Day 3, Part B: “You are not allowed to come to church anymore because you are an idiot”


Dear Ms. Feverfew –

I know, I know, I know. Once you get me talking I just can’t seem to shut my mouth!  This will be a short Part B though, I promise.

I was perusing good LDS bee-mommie blogs and came across a real gem of a statement on one of them. I guess that LDSFS holds “Husbands of Birth Mothers” information nights where boyfriends/fiance’s of those good bee-mommies get to go and ask questions of what it is like to be married to one of those kinds of women.

I guess one of the things they talk about at these discussion panels is the now-husband’s response to finding out his supposedly virginal and untainted love of his life had *gasp* “been sexual and gotten pregnant with another man’s baby” and how he had worked through forgiving her for what she had done.

Uh….really?

I rubbed my eyes hard. I took a deep breath. Uh…ummm…he has to forgive her for what???? Isn’t this whole forgiveness issue for something that happened before they met between her and her maker? He then went on to say that “I chose to forgive her but I did tell her that eventually her past will come back to haunt us.”

Haunt? Her past (which is a human being, BTW Mr. Husband of a Birth Mother, not a ghost or a figment of your tainted rose’s imagination) is going to come back and haunt them?????? Gosh, that kind of attitude has gotta make every adoptee’s heart sing.

I jumped up from my computer, made a beeline for my husband and said, “Mr. Amazing Man, you won’t believe what I just read!!!!” I then told him and he was just as agahst as I was.

Then he said one of the most fantabulous lines ever uttered by a righteous, loving, (and dead sexy) husband: “There are sometimes I wish I could just tell people, ‘You are not allowed to come to church anymore because you are an idiot.’ And that guy is an idiot.”

I sure hope you find a man like Mr. Amazing Man some day.  He’s…well, he’s amazing.

Much love,

M.

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17 thoughts on “National Adoption Awareness Month ~ Day 3, Part B: “You are not allowed to come to church anymore because you are an idiot”

    • LOL – actually, Mei-Ling, the LDS church has never gotten beyond “othering” women who have surrendered children. It’s like we LDS folks, as a people, are perpetually stuck on stupid stuck in the ’50s & ’60s about some things.

      Even today if you are a young unwed mother in Utah, you might as well be counted as part of the BSE mothers. It’s the same old song (you are a sinner, you aren’t good enough, you will never be good enough, another woman deserves to raise your child, your child is entitled to two parents, etc., etc.) just fancied up with catchy new tune called “It’s About Love.”

      M.

  1. I grew up in a very religious environment where pregnant women who were not married were viewed very poorly. It always made me upset that these women always seemed to have to owe someone an apology. Society should be apologizing to them for being so ignorant.

    As an adoptee, to hear us being spoken about as “hauntings” from the past does hurt.

    I’ve said to people on several occasions “I am not a ‘painful reminder,’ I am a person.”

    Your husband is awesome.

  2. Your husband does sound amazing M! And I love that quote!! Reading how you rushed off to tell him reminds me of my hubby and I… as I do the same thing lol 🙂

    But yeah, this guy is an outright jerk. I cannot believe how it is any of their business what the life of their wife was before they were married or even met. And yes, a child is NOT a haunting. They are a family member forever because a piece of paper and a law cannot remove DNA.

    • Myst – Yeah, my husband is pretty amazing in many ways. Every day I count myself blessed to be married to him.

      And that garbage about her past coming back to “haunt them” – what a horrible, wretched view of the child of the woman that man claims to love. And even more telling, that good bee-mommie went along with it and married him anyway. To me, that is even more sad than his idiotic comments.

      M.

  3. Does Mr. Amazing Man have a brother who lives on the East Coast? 😉 KIDDING!!! I love my boyfriend but he’s more of a “what can I do to fix it for you right now?” guy and not a “I’m horrified too” guy..lol..if that even makes any sense.

    • Christina – I wish I could clone my husband for all my single friends!!! He hasn’t always been a “I’m horrified too” kind of guy – at first he was very much one of the “what can I do to fix it for you right now?!?!?” kinds. It took many years of me reminding him that I didn’t want (or even need) him to fix it for me, but just to listen and sympathize with me. Even still, I have to preface somethings I say with, “Now honey, I don’t want you to fix this, I just need you to listen to me.”

      Good thing he is so patient with me –

      M.

  4. Okay, I’m with the others, your husband is amazing.

    That man, that idiot, should be kept far away from marrying ANYONE! As should any man who would even consider going to those disgusting “information nights.”

    Can you imagine, after already having your self esteem so beat up during your pregnancy and loss of your child, to have to then spend your life with a husband who is going to take what crumbs are left and destroy it completely.

    To me, that’s the scariest part. First they take your baby then they encourage idiot men to treat you like trash.

    Disgusting!

    • Can you imagine, after already having your self esteem so beat up during your pregnancy and loss of your child, to have to then spend your life with a husband who is going to take what crumbs are left and destroy it completely.

      My thoughts exactly! But when I stop and think about it, that is exactly what LDS first moms are conditioned to expect. One of the main themes of an LDS first mother’s experience is this: You are forever tainted and viewed as a second-hand citizen of God’s community if you ever disclose your first mother status. If you are lucky enough, eventually some man will be do you a

        huge

      favor by marrying you in spite of your past and it’s ability to “haunt” you. If he does decide to marry you, then you had better thank your lucky stars that he was man enough to forgive you for your past sins. I know it is a big fat stinkin’ lie now, but 18 years ago…I didn’t know it. It has taken many years of constant, consistent, and unwavering love from my husband to overcome those lies and discover my true worth in the eyes of God and to stake my rightful claim in His kingdom.

      M.

  5. I personally thought he was very mature for his age. The coming back to haunt comment was a extreme though. I do remember my husband being afraid of my daughter just showing up the the door step, but I don’t get how she could haunt them because it’s an open adoption. I think I looked at it different because my husband used to say much worse things. I think a lot of it was the fixing me thing and just his fears.
    For the most part, we can talk about adoption now but he is still afraid to really talk about my daughter. (who I met the other day for the first time) I think he is afraid that if he gives wrong advice and it backfires that I will blame him. Or as a friend pointed out that he might be afraid of having to pick up the pieces if she chooses not to be in my life.

    • Cristy –

      What? You met your daughter??? I need to go catch up on my reading, don’t I!!!

      My husband and I have an agreement – we only talk about adoption when I bring it up (which is a lot recently). He reads this blog but has promised to never discuss that I write here unless I ask him what he thought or his opinion on things. Even though he has proven through the years his ability to handle the adoption “stuff”, I still have a difficult time talking with him about it. I think keeping this blog and sharing it with him has eased his anxiety about what to say or do and helped him realize that this adoption “stuff” is something even too big for his super-hero powers to fix. Just as he told me the other night – God can fix this and He will wipe away my tears in His own time.

      About that guy’s response to his girlfriend disclosing her status as a first mother – I don’t necessarily agree that it was a very mature response. A mature response would have been much like my husband’s when I first told him about my “past”: Shocked (because I hid it so well) then an outpouring of love and understanding (which included a dozen roses delivered to my place of work). As he has told me several times when I have asked him, there is NOTHING for him to forgive me for. What happened with my daughter happened before we met – any forgiveness in this equation is between me and God and my daughter. A morally mature response would have been one that recognized there was no need for forgiveness on his part – just acceptance, understanding, and the courage to help his girlfriend/wife deal with the aftermath.

      I know he is not the only one man who has had this kind of reaction. My New and Improved Dad’s first wife was a first mother. She was a mother of the BSE – her story is heartbreaking and ranks right up there with the worst of the worst, including the nursing staff putting a towel over her face when she had her son so she wouldn’t see the baby. She died of a massive heart attack when she was only 48 – just months after being reunited with her son 😦 . When I asked him if he ever felt like he needed to forgive her for having a baby at 16, he said “Absolutely not. In fact, I loved her even more because of it.”

      I think the issue of the guy feeling like he needed to forgive his wife for being a first mother is what rubbed me the wrong way, if that makes any sense at all.

      M.

  6. Yep, I met her on Sunday. We had talked through the computer for a year and suddenly she was ready and seems to be really open to further contact. I put her picture on my private blog. If you would like you can give me your email address and I will send you an invite.
    I can see your point about needing to forgive her for her past. It’s not something that he has to forgive her for but I thought he seems very mature in the way he is dealing with it now. My husband hasn’t always been so nice. It’s been a long hard road for him to get to the point where he understands that he can’t fix me. He kind of has the feelings of adoption should just be done with. That you shouldn’t miss them so much because you didn’t know them. I think a lot of his thinking comes from the fact that his Dad who was a minster of the church that he built ran off and married someone else and adopted two children from another country while he couldn’t or wouldn’t have a relationship with him and his sister.
    Although, my husband hasn’t agreed or understand my grief he has never said that I did anything wrong and actually hates it when I beat up on myself. My husband first wife was a first mother too. Adoption through the Catholic charties and she has expressed zero desires to find him and says that she doesn’t have any adoption related grief. However, both of them had severe drinking problems. She has been sober four years and he has been sober a year and half. So, who knows if the drinking was a result of hiding the pain. It wasn’t his child though.
    I like your agreement with your husband to not bring up adoption. Sometimes, my husband wants to talk about it in general.. kind of like a debate and it frustrates me, because he doesn’t get that I can’t talk adoption and not put my own feelings in it.

    • However, both of them had severe drinking problems. She has been sober four years and he has been sober a year and half. So, who knows if the drinking was a result of hiding the pain.

      You think? I am not a diagnostician but I will hazard an educated guess that she was self-medicating and that her recovery is probably tied into dealing with her losses.

      Setting those boundaries with my husband was one of the better things I have done. It may not be the ideal approach, but it has really helped me feel like I can process all of this on my own terms, in my own time.

      M.

      P.S. Sending an email your way!

  7. Wow. I respect all religons I truly do but this post makes me ecstatic that I am not LDS. Or, more correctly, a member of that ward. I’m about to bite my knuckles off I’m so ticked off about that comment….”I chose to forgive her”? WHAT?

    Unless you were in a relationship with her PRIOR to her pregnancy, there is nothing on his end to forgive. Unconditional love is about loving someone, warts and all. If you can’t love them, warts and all, you should not marry them. It is not about forgiveness. It is about acceptance.

    Who does he think he is to have the ability to forgive a sin that had nothing to do with him? The only person who can forgive that is God. As far as the past “haunting” them, that reduces a child to a “mistake” or “ghost” or something to “put up with”. What a horrible viewpoint. That “ghost” very well have made that woman into the wonderful person she is today. That child is part of their family.

    I hope that these opinions are few and far between but I know they are not. Gee. I can’t wait until someone is willing to “forgive me” for my past that has nothing to do with them, and marry me.

    This man is lucky that she, God forbid, did not choose to keep her child and raise the child, because we all know that the one thing worse than a birthmom is…gasp….a single mom out of wedlock! Oh wait, he wouldn’t have even met her then because I’m sure he’s the type that wouldn’t date a woman with children because her children would “haunt” him.

    Your husband is right. Some people are just too stupid.

    • I’m sure he’s the type that wouldn’t date a woman with children because her children would “haunt” him.

      That made me giggle out loud!!!

      I know to some it might come across that I am being overly harsh in the LDS culture and perhaps I am. One thing that I have worked long and hard to do in my life is sort through the theology of the LDS church and the cultural practices. There’s a big difference between the two and I have never found the theology to be lacking – it’s some of the members who are lacking.

      M.

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