National Adoption Awareness Month ~ Day 5: My Ex, His Wife, and Their Version of Adoption Awareness


Last night I learned that my ex-husband and his wife are adopting another baby.

They got married within months of my ex and I divorcing and immediately started pressing me to terminate my parental rights because they believed that Captain Knuckle was entitled “to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity” (Kind of ironic considering how they hooked up, don’t you think???).  So, I was now single, due in large part to my ex not honoring his marital vows to me because he was messing around with herMy single parent status was used as a battering ram by them to try to convince me that it was in Captain Knuckle’s “best interest” that I terminate my rights and let her adopt my son so he could be raised in a two-parent home.

Whatev’ people.

Fast forward a couple of years and miscarriages later. My then 5-year old son comes home from a weekend visit and tells me that his dad and other mom are going to adopt a baby from “a mommy who didn’t want her baby, just like you didn’t want your first baby.”  After I picked up my heart from the floor and shoved it back into my chest, I asked him who told him I didn’t want my first baby. He told me that his other mother had said it. This led to a long and frank discussion with Captain Knuckle about adoption and first moms and the fact that I desperately loved you and thought I was doing the “right thing.” Then  I tucked him into bed and stomped around the house, as angry as I had ever been at those two people I had to share my son with. Didn’t want my first baby?

Whatev’ people.

Fast forward a few more years. I had been married to Mr. Amazing Man for about two years and had recently found out I was pregnant with the Good Professor.  Captain Knuckle gets off the phone with me one night and tells me, “Oh, I have a new sister. My other mom and dad were there when she was born and my other mom was  the first person to hold her.” Ugh. Double ugh.  Obviously a case of pre-birth matching. Captain Knuckle has since told me that they send his sister’s first mom a letter once a year. Yeah. Pre-birth matching and a nearly closed adoption. Give it a few years and they will cut her out completely. Well done.

Whatev’ people.

I have tried to be friends with Captain Knuckle’s step-mom but she has always been highly resistant to any sort of friendly overture. For the past five or six years, it has been full on alienation and psychological warfare from her end of things. I understand why – after all, by virtue of the fact I have produced four lovely children, I am a powerful, threatening figure in her imagination.  I am what she fears most in her life – I am the scary birth mother monster lurking under her bed. My heart breaks for them – they have lost so many pregnancies, most recently a set of twins at 16 weeks. My mother’s heart is devastated for them….but. BUT. It doesn’t entitle them to other people’s children. It doesn’t entitle her to not allow my son to call me “Mom” when he is at their house. When he was younger, she would spank him if he called me “Mom.” I was Melynda, his birth mother. (Yes, she taught him that lovely turn of phrase. Cute, eh?) I tried to talk to my ex-husband about it but his response was, “I can’t control what my wife does.”

Whatev’ people.

So like I said earlier, last night I learned they are adopting another little girl. This time it is through the foster care system there in UT. She’s a newborn who was born addicted to meth. The picture they sent Captain Knuckle of her first day at home with them is just heartbreaking – she is on oxygen and you can see the remnants of IVs and feeding tubes. But she is lovely. Captain Knuckle doesn’t know anything more about her, other than they don’t like her name so they are going to change it.

Whatev’ people.

Perhaps this is one of those rare circumstances when infant adoption is a needful thing. I also have to say I am glad they are adopting out of foster care instead of using pre-birth matching. That being said, it doesn’t surprise me they would wait for a white baby girl before deciding to adopt from foster care. I bet they feel like they have won the lottery for more reasons than one. Adopting a baby in Utah whose drug addicted mom won’t be harassing them with those pesky yearly contact letters? Sweet!

Needless to say, my ex and his wife’s adoption awareness begins and ends with fulfilling their needs.

Whatev’ people.

 

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8 thoughts on “National Adoption Awareness Month ~ Day 5: My Ex, His Wife, and Their Version of Adoption Awareness

  1. “It doesn’t entitle her to not allow my son to call me “Mom” when he is at their house. When he was younger, she would spank him if he called me “Mom.” I was Melynda, his birth mother. (Yes, she taught him that lovely turn of phrase. Cute, eh?) I tried to talk to my ex-husband about it but his response was, “I can’t control what my wife does.””

    WHAT THE??????

    I am sitting here reading this over and over and over and it makes me SICK. WHAT THE??? YOU ARE HIS MOTHER. Sorry, that totally infuirates me. I am totally sorry for you and your poor child who had to suffer because of her. HOW DARE SHE SMACK HIM… he isn’t even HER son. She is no one really. My mouth is slowly picking itself off the floor. I don’t know how you didn’t go all commando on her ass.

    Okay, sorry, back to reading.

    • *sigh* I do a lot of sighing when it comes to my relationship with Captain Knuckle’s other mom. A lot of sighing and a lot of loving on him every chance I get so that he never doubts how I really feel about him, regardless of what she says about me.

      Now that he is 14 years old and 6′ tall, she has laid off the spanking thing, but yeah that ticked me off to NO END because I don’t even spank my kids – why on earth is it OK for HER to be doing it??????? *sigh* Eventually her behavior will come back to bite her in the butt and she will be sorry that she missed out on a relationship with Captain Knuckle. I feel badly that she has completely overlooked the fact that this (not so little) boy has a heart the size of Alaska with more than enough room for both his moms.

      M.

    • Cristy – Everyone else seems to like her just fine and I am sure she has many redeeming qualities. I think I just bring out the ugly in her because she is so jealous of me and the fact I was able to have a child with my ex/her husband and she hasn’t. Still doesn’t mean she should take it out on my boy, you know? It eased up a bit after they adopted their first daughter but really got ugly again once she found out I was pregnant with my little Penelope Rose last fall. *sigh* You can’t win ’em all, I just wish she and I could be sort of friends for Captain Knuckle’s sake.

      M.

  2. OMG Melinda, So your first husband cheated on you????? And then he claims to honor marriage vows with fidelty because he married the woman he cheated on you with. It’s a soap opera, I have always said my life makes soap opera’s boring. I think yours might be the same way.

    I think your ex husbands new wife needs to be spanked. Would you like a paddle, belt or a switch? I don’t believe in spanking kids but sometimes adults definately need it.

    Jeannette

    • Haha! I didn’t even include the bit about how her dad was my THERAPIST at the time they hooked up. Isn’t that just adorable????? My ex wouldn’t introduce me to her or tell me her maiden name for the longest time because…well, that should be obvious. I was floored when I found out who her dad was and felt ridiculously violated all over again.

      Seriously, if I were to write a book someday about my life, they would have to market it as fiction because no one would believe it actually happened.

      M.

  3. ZOMG. And I thought MY life was a soap opera!!

    My friends always say if they didn’t know me, they would think I was lying, lol.

    You are a far better woman than I. I would be in jail if I had an ex with a wife like that.

    • Yes, for quite a few years there, my life was one big fat freakin’ soap opera. It’s calmed down quite a bit in the last 7 or 8 years though…now it’s more like a Lawrence Welk show.

      And don’t get me wrong Linda – there have been many MANY times I have wanted to go…how did Myst put it? Ah yes, “commando” on my son’s step-mom. However I knew if I did, I would end up losing Captain Knuckle and THAT was an unacceptable outcome! Let’s just say she has burned about a thousand bridges with me and I am not keen to work on rebuilding them again at this point.

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