National Adoption Awareness Month ~ Day 11: Entitlement and (some) LDS Adoptive Mothers


Normally, I write you letters about me and about my experience and about us and about our past and our (hopeful) future. If I do discuss “others” it is generally in very broad generalities. Today though…today I am going to get a big fat “F” in that category.

A valiant adoptee that I have met on the internet has a semi-regular feature on her blog where she showcases particularly odious and offensive blog posts about adoption that she finds (or are sent to her). Her most recent one was from an LDS woman who is finalizing an adoption from foster care.

I didn’t get a chance to read the original post that garnered the Blog of Shame award because the blog author pulled it quickly (ashamed of what you wrote, Sister Entitled Adoptive Mother?), but I did take the opportunity to go back and read nearly every blog post this woman has written.

One post in particular from February (http://ldsinfertility.blogspot.com/2010/02/fhoto-friday_26.html) was particularly stunning in it’s…what’s the word Cricket uses? Vomitrociousness. Yes. That’s it. Vomitrociousness.  It was simple, elegant, and not difficult to read but it’s message was crystal clear.

Here’s a brief screen shot of it for your viewing pleasure (edited to add link):


I left a comment though I am sure it will not be posted. It says this:

The sense of entitlement and self-righteous behavior of so many adoptive LDS mothers is sickening.  It is shameful. This attitude of entitlement is unbecoming of a daughter of God.

I need to go for a really long walk so that I don’t throw a huge screaming hissy fit when Mr. Amazing Man gets home.  It’s not his fault there are so many horrible LDS adoptive mothers out there, but he sure bears the brunt of my anger about/towards them.

I know once this  passes, I will be left with sadness for those children and for their natural mother. But right now, I am one unhappy mama.

Much love –

M.

P.S. There are a few good LDS adoptive mamas out there – Shannan, Monica, Nina, Kathy to name a few. Thank God, literally, for women like them.  They just seem to be so few and far between…

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13 thoughts on “National Adoption Awareness Month ~ Day 11: Entitlement and (some) LDS Adoptive Mothers

  1. You are not the only one who wants to vomit, and being just slightly ill today please excuse me for a moment.

    Now, that is even more offensive than “Paper Pregnant” Seriously link for this blog please- I feel the need to vent.
    Much love,
    Me

    • Mary –

      I added a link to that post in particular. Don’t want to be accused of copyright infringement of her “original” work!

      So I guess I can add that new name to my list of what first mothers are called. Ovens. Cute.

      M.

  2. Yeah, I too missed the original post that earned her the blog of shame reward and, for me, after reading just one post in particular of hers, I couldn’t go on. It was the one that was lyrics to a song, This Little Life is in Our Hands.

    Just reading that made me want to cry from the image it created of a First Mom standing there between a case worker and an adoptive mother, being forced to sing those disgusting lyrics how her baby wasn’t hers and she wasn’t good enough to be a mother while the other sing praises to themselves about how wonderful they were for finding and then providing the child with the kind of wonderful family the First mom was incapable of.

    After that, I just couldn’t go on.

    Great post, M! I always value your insight into the LDS faith and adoption.

    • Cassi –

      The LDS adoption scene is rife with songs, stories, magazine articles, church lessons, talks over the pulpit and other anecdotes that express the exact same ideas contained in that song. That kind of thinking is accepted as being the Truth about infant adoption, with a capital T. If a young woman (such as myself) finds herself pregnant out of wedlock, she is pulverized by this same group think – she nor her baby stand a chance against the tide. And it breaks my heart because according to our theology, family preservation is the fundamental building block of eternal relationships. Rending families asunder in His name to satisfy our mortal cravings for parenthood is entirely beneath the LDS theology.

      To this particular mother’s credit, they are adopting out of foster care. I can only hope and pray that for the sake of her children, she is able to get things straightened out in her heart and mind about first families. As we know, some adoptive mothers do eventually “get it” – they have to wake up from the adoption kool-aid stupor as well, just like many of us first moms. Hopefully it won’t take her too long and her children will be spared some of the agony associated with being raised by a mother who feels she is entitled to their love.

      I am so grateful for a God who is powerful enough to sort all of this out in His own due time. When I encounter situations like this, I just have to remind myself that He is so much bigger than any problem us humans can create.

      Hugs –

      M.

  3. Okay, that was taken way out of context! I don’t only blog about adoption, I also spotlight infertility, surrogacy and such. That picture I posted was for my friend who got her baby through surrogacy and FYI my friend personally bought herself that shirt because she and the surrogate felt that way!

    And so sorry I shared a song I found on adoption. Go complain to the people who wrote it!

    • I appreciate your response and explanation but it is difficult to render any other conclusion about that particular Friday Photo post. Absent of *ANY* other text or explanation, it is easy to assume that you put it up to indicate your feelings about babies that grow in other people’s “ovens.”

      And about the lyrics of the song: by posting them on your blog, you are showing your tacit support for the sentiments contained therein. I do take exception to them and I will write both the lyricist and the composer.

      Thanks for stopping by my blog – I hope you find something useful.

      M.

    • Ok, I’m not trying to be cruel or upset anyone, but because you say you blog about infertility as well, I’m wondering if you would understand how hurtful such things are to others if it’s put in this perspective . . .

      A picture that says “I can have a bun in my oven, can you?”

      Or a song of one woman’s unworthiness because she is unable to get pregnant and another woman’s greatness because she can.

      • Cassi, you really hit it for me as an amom.

        While I had always planned to adopt children– moreso than give birth– kind of a long story. As an adult, I waited too long for my body to be fertile to try to get pregnant. So infertility (IF) has effected my life even though I did plan to adopt children as well.

        I simply don’t understand how amoms– especially those who have experienced IF can be so insensitive to another woman who is unable to raise her child.

        I just don’t get it– the lack of compassion.

      • Reena – Not Cassi, but I just wanted to thank you for your thoughts. The lack of compassion is exactly what so many of us first moms find so hurtful and appalling.

        M.

  4. Thanks for the link love M 🙂 This blogger is just so clueless about what adoptees and natural moms feel that it’s ridiculous.

  5. Are you talking about me? as in adoptive mom me? Monica me? Wow, thanks. I try really hard to be the best dang mom I can be, no matter how my children came to me and part of that is complete honesty about their past, about the people that love them, about adoption.

    A couple of weeks ago a young man asked my 7 year old Evan “Do you wish you were still with your Africa Mom?” Now keep in mind his “Africa Mom” died in childbirth the day Evan was born, he has never, nor will he ever have the opportunity to meet her. His response cut me to the quick “Yeah, kind of.” But after the wrench of pain I felt, I quickly reminded myself of my deep belief that the BEST place for a child is in their original family, adoption is always a second best option. It is okay if he feels as I do. I know he loves me, I know because he tells me, hugs me, follows me, seeks me out. But even so, the very best situation for him would have been for his mother to live, to raise him, to tell him of his birth, of his history. I love him something fierce and it’s okay if he misses his “Africa Mom.”

    • Yes, you. I don’t comment on your blog very much but I have followed your story for quite some time. If a child needs a family and only IF they truly need a family, they could do no better than to land in your home.

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