Dear Ms. Feverfew –
After reading through Sister LDS Infertility, Adoption, and Foster Care’s blog yesterday, I realized that she and I, we are just two sides to the same coin. Here’s a brief excerpt from her blog that I adapted to show how our feelings are so closely related.
It’s hard to explain, you can’t fully comprehend what the past
6 1/218 years (and the rest of my life!) have been like unless you’ve been there. You feel your heart break a little each month when you’re not pregnanther birthday comes around and you realize you are one month further removed from her life, that it has been one more month since you held her in your arms…. You cry when you find out some random stranger is pregnant because it’s not youshe won’t be told she is an unworthy mother, undeserving of raising her child, even though she is just as single as you – she just isn’t a Mormon. Even if you’re happy for them hearing the words “I’m pregnant” makes you want to scream and is usually followed by tears. Holding a baby is hard, seeing a baby is hard, seeing someone pregnant is hard. Getting “advise” that not meant to be hurtful, is. Getting un-sympathetic comments, which I could probably write an entire book (just ONE book? I could fill volumes!!!) on things that have been said to me in the past 6 years,19 years since I first found out I was pregnant and will continue to be said to me for the rest of my life. I’ll leave it at that. Hearing woman complain about pregnancy makes you want to physically punch them(I have never felt like punching someone, especially a pregnant woman. Well, I take that back – I felt like punching my ex when he asked me for a divorce 3 days after I testified against my bio-dad in court, but I didn’t). Mother’s Day is the world’s worst holiday, you don’t even want to acknowledge it or your own mother (nor does anyone acknowledge you ARE a mother)! If you think you love your kids, struggle with infertility, adoption and being a first mother, you love them more and appreciate them more. You don’t take little things your kids do for granted. (http://ldsinfertility.blogspot.com/2010/11/so-close-i-can-taste-it.html)
For her, adoption is the cure to what ails her. For me, adoption is what ails me. It took her 6 1/2 years to find a solution to her suffering because of a child she couldn’t have…I get to spend the rest of my life suffering for a child I didn’t keep.
Much love –