Lola and Me, Lola and I, Me and Lola

Dear Ms. Feverfew –

Whew. Glad that is all over.

I am so happy to write that Lola and I have made our peace. I am even happier to write that it is not that uneasy, “You go your way and I will go mine” kind of peace that is typically brokered between two parties in situations like this.

It is the kind of peace from which friendships may form. The kind of peace when two people say, “Come now, let us reason together. We are better than this.” The kind of peace that does not make much sense to others, but makes perfect sense to us.

Lola has graciously offered some of us space and time on her blog to answer questions from her readers.  Mind you, the questions are most likely all going to come from LDS readers who have spent their entire life being preached to about the miracle and blessing of adoption.

Most of them have never encountered an adoptee who has had nothing but glowing things to say about the “miracle and blessing” of adoption. Most of them have never encountered a first mother who has anything to say other than what a “miracle and a blessing” adoption is in her life. The reason why is that we first mothers and adoptees in the LDS culture are simply not allowed those feelings. If we dare express them, we get the smack down of the century from well meaning, but unknowing folks who are just trying to help us see the error of our ways and convince us yet again that adoption is a “miracle and a blessing.” But you probably already know that. Here I go again, preaching to the choir.

Some of the things we may say will be very foreign to their ears and heavy in their hearts and we must tread lightly but speak our truth.

I know that is how it was for me.   When I first started learning about things like primal wounds, baby brokering, and how adoption was woman on woman violence, I was horrified to realize that I had been part of the system – I was a part of the system. That I inserted you, my beloved and cherished daughter, into the system. Realizing the fantasy I had about adoption being a “miracle and a blessing” for all those involved was really not as true as I once thought…well, it was earth shattering.  And it was a bitter pill to swallow.
You know that whole “gall of bitterness” thing that Alma talks about in Alma 36? Yeah…that was me. That was so me.

I do not know how the Q&A session on her blog will turn out.  These are difficult things to hear and learn. Not only that, most people I have known who speak out against infant adoption as we practice it in the LDS church get shouted down fairly rapidly (and loudly). Maybe Lola will not. She has proven to have the mettle to stand firm in the face of some pretty unpleasant stuff.  And maybe because she does not have “a dog in the [proverbial] hunt,” people will be more willing to listen to her.

You can be sure I will keep you updated.

Much love,


6 thoughts on “Lola and Me, Lola and I, Me and Lola

  1. M,
    I owe you a huge apology. My comment to you Monday night was ignorant and totally uncalled for. In your reply you said “if you read my blog…” and I did. I couldn’t stop actually. Then I spent all day yesterday re-reading, clicking links, and reading other first mom blogs. I am so overwhelmed with all this new information.

    I have so much I want to convey to you about having my eyes open to this side of adoption. I am having a hard time gathering my thoughts after this jarring realization so for now I just want to apologize for my hurtful words. Like Laura, I don’t want this to be a ‘i’ll go my way you go yours’. I’m sticking around to learn and in turn hopefully educate others. Just because I live in Utah county doesn’t mean I want to live in ‘the bubble’.

    Thank you for your honest words and being so willing to speak the truth on this matter.

    With love and much respect,

    • Jen –

      Thank you for sticking around and reading…guess that brand of courage runs in your family, eh? I have to agree…re-framing adoption through the eyes of those who bear the greatest burdens for its affects is…well, overwhelming to say the least. I grew up in Utah county so I know all about the bubble. It’s kind of cozy there in the bubble but it sure does limit our view of human experiences, doesn’t it?

      I look forward to getting to know you and Laura better and once again, thank you for not bailing on me or my adoptee friends. It is totally what we were expecting and I cannot even begin to express how it feels to have one of “my own” actually take the time to read and listen to what we have to say.

      Much love,


  2. Meylinda, it was good that you did this, and good that she listened enough to linger and that it resulted in this Q&A). There are usually not bad people, just people with bad or uninformed ideas. But the catching flies with honey thing still applies too. 🙂

  3. More power to you for speaking your truth and doing what you can to present an unpopular, controversial view to people who have not been exposed to it before. I have been reading your blog and feel so proud of you for all that you do.

    I admire you greatly.

    I agree in part with osolomama about catching flies with honey, but sometimes people are too riled up and stuck in their ways to read through the kindness to see the message. One of my New Year’s resolutions is to set boundaries and do less of the killing with kindness, as it has–for me–usually ended up in my being more abused by rude people and not heard at all.

    • Yeah…and sometimes kicking and screaming just feels good too (eek – did I just say that out loud???? The plays-well-with-others part of me is cringing in the corner and can hardly believe I am admitting it). It might not be The Best Way to Handle Things, but there is something cathartic about it. Especially when you have spent your whole life being stepped on and over. It feels even better when someone actually pays attention to the cause of the commotion.

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