Dear Ms. Feferfew:
At lunch today, I had that conversation again with a well meaning person who loves me a great deal. It usually starts up when I am wondering about you/us or just pontificating about adoption practices in general. It generally proceeds as follows.
Well meaning person who loves me a great deal: You know M., Ms. Feverfew is going to come back into your life someday and you guys are going to be the best of friends.
Me: That is not helping me (even though I secretly long for it to actually happen, just like the well meaning person describes).
Well meaning person who loves me a great deal: No, really!!! And I am going to be the first person to say “Told you so!” and I will be so happy about it too.
Me: No. Really. That is not helping me.
Well meaning person who loves me a great deal: Oh, come on. Once she meets you and sees how much you have in common, she won’t be able to not fall in love with you, just like everyone else you meet. I mean – look at the two of you! You are like identical twins!!!! You don’t think that she is going to be as excited about meeting you as you are about meeting her?
Me: No. Clearly. This is not helping me. Did I mention that?
Well meaning person who loves me a great deal: So…this isn’t helping you, is it?
Me: No. And would you please not say things like that again in the future?I know you mean well, but they are not helping me.
I know too much…I have learned too much about reunion to hold on to those fantasies any more. Those kinds of comments just perpetuate the myth of adoption reunion being a bed of roses where everyone forgives each other, families are able to integrate seamlessly into one big happy whole, and every one is best friends. It does not happen like that. It is much harder than that…and best of friends…I don’t even know if that is possible. How can you be best friends with the woman who gave you to strangers? I guess it might be possible, but only through divine intervention and frankly, I am not holding out hope. I know too much.
And knowing is its own strange burden.