Bravery Isn’t Going to Carry Me Through


Dear Ms. Feverfew –

Tomorrow little Princess Penelope will be the exact same age you were the last time I held you in my arms.

I have already cried myself silly in the past few days. I expect I will do it again tomorrow. No one prepared me for this.  From this point on, parenting her will be uncharted territory and I am so afraid I am going to fail all over again. That someone is going to tell me I am not good enough for her.

In between celebrating the arrival of Princess Penelope’s third tooth (top right) and working on my dissertation,  I have had to steal moments away to have a “moment” by myself. I cry, then collect myself, and then soldier on. I wipe away the tears and open up my office door to my life as it is now. It’s what I always do. It’s what I have always done.

I just don’t know if I can do it tomorrow.

Much love,

M.

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12 thoughts on “Bravery Isn’t Going to Carry Me Through

  1. If you can’t make it through and need to talk call me. I don’t care if it is 3 in the morning. Having another daughter after placing our first is so hard on many levels. Each phase that you see the second daughter go through you realize what you missed with the first one. It hit me really hard when Cas started her period for the first time. Something about that huge phase in Cassies life made me realize what I had and will miss out on. What you are going through is very normal. You just were not warned about it.
    Hugs

    • Thanks, Jeannette. It is “nice” to know that this is “normal.” I hate it though. I didn’t have this same kind of reaction with my boys but with little Penelope…it is turning into a full blown crisis this morning. It doesn’t help that she was up at 11:30 p.m., 3:45 a.m. and then again at 5:30 a.m. this morning, fussy and not easily comforted. So on top of being an emotional mess, I am exhausted from the lack of sleep. Should make for an interesting day.

  2. Awww Sorry for the hard day ahead. I know that it’s normal for you to feel that way, because when my friend talks about the adventures of having a girl, I get a little sad too and she isn’t even mine. I can only imagine that it’s way high on the scale of that just makes me sad moment for you. I hope your little daughter can be a source of joy and allow you find comfort in knowing that you were blessed with the chance to have a little girl. I have never got over my desire to be a Mom to a daughter, but it’s just not going to happen. But I do take joy in having my grand daughter. (husband’s daughter’s daughter) over here five days a week. I love dressing her in girly clothes and going out to buy girl stuff. Hang in there and I am sure you will get through this day.

    • Thank you, Cristy. It was much easier to parent my boys because I was able to ignore so many of these emotions. Having a little, squishy, adorable baby girl…well, it’s tough. Good, but tough.

    • Thank you, Kara. This has turned out to be a much harder day that I was expecting. I mean, I knew it would be hard but this has exceeded my expectations. Just knowing I have friends out there who are willing to sit Shiva with me today means a great deal.

    • I cannot thank you enough, Cassi, for you kind words today and for your courageous words on your blog. Reading your blog has given me the courage to continue dealing with all of this instead of just stuffing it away again. Well, your blog and a pile of chocolate covered cherries. 😉

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