Birds of a Feather Flock Together


Today, I depart from addressing these letters to my daughter to send out an urgent call for help. You know that old saying, “Birds of a feather flock together”? Turns out that so do adoptaraptors.

I have never used that term before to describe an adoptive parent but today….today it is appropriate. Actually, I don’t use it to refer to just ONE person, but two sets of adoptive parents. And trust me, it is more than appropriate. Once I have calmed myself enough to tell the story, you will wholeheartedly agree.

I am so angry right now, I can hardly put two words together intelligently to explain the situation. Let me just say the God of Israel weeps today because of these adoptaraptors.

I ask – no, I beg of any who might be reading this – to send prayers, healing thoughts, all the collective goodness and love you can muster up to fellow first mother [my friend] and her lovely reunited daughter (who is also a newly minted first mother herself). They have been treated as poorly as can be possibly imagined by these self-righteous LDS adoptaraptors.

Right now – right at this moment – there are two women in exquisite pain who need all the love and support they can glean from the universe.

________________________________________________

P.S. I edited this post and the comments to protect the identity of my friend and her daughter. The adoptive mother in this situation….well, I don’t even know what to say about her. All changes have been bracketed both in the post and in the comments. 03/10.

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28 thoughts on “Birds of a Feather Flock Together

  1. Please tell us what we can do?

    But thanks, for reminding us about being gentle,
    I guess that otherwise that would soon be forgotten.

  2. I LOVE the both of them. I have been following their blogs since my own placement. [Your friend] is such a wise, loving and open soul. Her daughter has a beautiful heart and did not have the support she needed to choose to keep her child- it was not an option for her in any way, which is heartbreaking. I am saying prayers and sending lots of love and hugs to both.

  3. It hurts to read these things. As an adult adoptee, it makes me want to shake people like Bother Arnell.

    I left the Catholic church after I realized the sins, YES SINS, they committed against mothers and their babies. How dare these religious zealots continue their ridiculous evangelical missions to obtain souls by destroying Mothers and their babies. Babies do not want to be sealed/raised/adopted by strangers. They want their own mothers- the mothers who created them. Not these holier than thou strangers.

    Im sorry you guys are going through this. Adoption is an evil, deceptive institution.

    • They want their own mothers- the mothers who created them.

      If only I could wave a magic wand and make everyone in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints understand this very thing….

  4. I’m so sorry for all the pain they are feeling and will continue to feel. I am really at a loss for words.

    I guess I just don’t understand how parents who adopted a daughter could years later encourage that same child to place her child for adoption.

    If the situation arises I would encourage my daughters and stepdaughters to raise their child. I guess maybe that makes me a hypocrite.

    • Reena – Thank you for joining in the conversation on this one. I too am at a loss for words and I too do not understand how [my friend’s] adoptive parents would encourage her to place her little [son] for adoption. Who does that????

      Oh yeah, people who care more about protecting their image as good Mormons than protecting their daughter and their grandson.

      Hopefully you daughters will not have to face a pregnancy that is not on their timing or their terms – I am so grateful to know that you will encourage them to parent if they are able. In no way does it make you a hypocrite – it makes you a human being with a heart.

      M.

      • Valency, I guess that you should know that you are the First-Likable-Mormon, of whose existence I became aware. I have a bit of an anti-Mormon basic minset, based on LDS architecture and the copy of the book of Mormon I owned and, yes, read. I have no reason to cause any harm or insult to any Latter Day Saint, so I would like your opinion about this. I posted this on the cakeblog of one of those people bashing poor Kara. Could you tell me, whether I have gone too far?

        “Whitney, if the adopters of Kara Witt’s son ARE good people, can you ask them to consider returning Owen to his blood relatives? If they cannot, they do not deserve to be called good, a return to his biological family could still be in Owen’s best interest at the moment. Of course, I understand they are only human, but if you can demand superhuman goodness of Kara, you can, with greater justification demand the same of them, aren’t they Saints, after all?
        That said, your kitchen skills seem most admirable.”

      • Teddy – Thank you for your kind words. You aren’t the first one to tell me that I am a “likeable” Mormon. As a people, we tend to be very closed to others and yes, our theology can be viewed as being rather peculiar (but whose theology isn’t, when we really stop and think about it?!) I don’t mind if people have differences about my beliefs because I truly believe in a God that is bigger than all of this – than all of us – and He is in charge of things, not me.

        I do not think you are out of line at all with your comments. In fact, I feel the exact same way. If these people that adopted Kara’s son were truly the Christlike and loving people they portray themselves to be, they would be putting aside THEIR personal wants and desires to be a parent and do everything they could to reunite Owen and Kara. I simply do not understand how they can go prancing about their lives knowing that the mother of their child is suffering and knowing that she is a perfectly competent and capable woman who would make a fine mother. However, they are too blinded by the prideful lust for a “perfect Mormon family” that the thought has never once crossed their mind that this would be the moral and truly Christlike thing to do.

        I love what you said – “If you can demand superhuman goodness of [your friend], you can, with greater justification demand the same of them.” So perfectly worded.

  5. Deer Reena, What do you fail to understand?

    Nobody who can love his child, could do anything like this under these conditions. Now, most of us know the pain in one way or another, maybe that family does not, and is just learning by itself.

    • Teddy – I think Reena was trying to say that she does not understand [my friend]’s adoptive parents’ behavior. And honestly, I think all of us are at a loss to make some kind of meaning from how they have treated her about her son [baby boy]. [My friend] mentioned over on her blog that her adoptive mother finally showed some type of emotion about losing [baby boy]…7 1/2 months too late.

      M.

      • I understood Reena’s question that way too, have been reading [your friend]’s blog too, and I may be judging [your friend]’s A- family too harsh, and comparing her and [baby boy]’s position with the one they would have in the country I am in, is infuriating, at worst she would still have about 7 months to reclaim [baby boy].

      • Valency is correct– I don’t understand the aparent’s behavior. I only read the most recent post on [your friend]’s blog– I have not followed it.

        I don’t understand any parent who forces their child (adopted or bio) to make a decision about an unplanned pregnancy that their child does not want to make.

      • That I can understand, if I had a pregnant teen daughter, or if my niece, who in a month is to celebrate her first birthday, would engage in sex and get pregnant just like that when she will be fifteen, I would indeed be trying to prevent her doing something as stupid, like abortion and relinquishment, we have problems enough with female infertility in the family already.

        To somebody from a (currently) low relinquishment level country, theA-family behaviour seems to indicate insufficient family feelings towards Kara, or they may be so badly informed, that they thought it would all be rosey.

      • To somebody from a (currently) low relinquishment level country, theA-family behaviour seems to indicate insufficient family feelings towards Kara, or they may be so badly informed, that they thought it would all be rosey.

        I have been thinking about this statement and I wonder how much truth there is to it. I know that the LDSFS does are really slick PR job at convincing single expectant parents that they are not worthy or capable of parenting….do they do the same thing to adoptive parents? I truly don’t believe that most adoptive LDS couples are bad people out to do bad things – they are just misinformed and unknowing of the true cost (in human terms) of adoption. I wonder if more of them would be doing more to preserve original families if they truly understood the long term affects on both the child and the relinquishing mother.

        This warrants more thinking and researching….

  6. Wow M – Where you a fly on the wall at my house? Your statement above “I have been thinking about this statement and I wonder how much truth there is to it. I know that the LDSFS does are really slick PR job at convincing single expectant parents that they are not worthy or capable of parenting….do they do the same thing to adoptive parents? I truly don’t believe that most adoptive LDS couples are bad people out to do bad things – they are just misinformed and unknowing of the true cost (in human terms) of adoption. I wonder if more of them would be doing more to preserve original families if they truly understood the long term affects on both the child and the relinquishing mother. “. THat was almost exactly what I told [your friend] this morning that adoptive parents are used/misinformed as much as we mothers are. The only difference is they gain the child while we lose.

    • Great minds think alike…or something like that.

      I think we have all been sold a bill of goods as a culture, adoptive parents and relinquishing parents and those in the general membership. Yes, some adoptions are always going to be needed (i.e., when a child’s life is in peril) but we as an LDS people are better than this, better than what this has turned into. Our theology teaches us to trust God’s plan at all times and in all things and in all places but with infertility and infant adoption, we insert man’s plan into the equation. Yes, pregnancy is an natural consequence of having sex, but losing a child to adoption simply because a woman is single is NOT a natural consequence – it is an applied consequence.

      We will have to chat some more about this – I think we are really on to something. I just keep thinking about my daughter’s adoptive parents. I know they are good people who love the Lord and have simply been doing the best they knew how to do. I can understand and be grateful for that but at the same time, I can recognize that they system is broken and they have been just as duped as the rest of us into believing that we mortal men can rearrange family units with the swish of a pen and the thump of a judge’s gavel.

      So much to mull over and think about – this is what keeps me up at night, not the dissertation! (Which maybe it should but at this point, it all sounds like gibberish to me and I can’t make heads or tails of it any way.)

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