This is simply not good week for me to be overcome with adoption angst. I knew The Anniversary would be falling in the middle of this week. I thought I was emotionally prepared. But I am not.
I saw this AP image last night of the aftermath of the tsunami in Japan. This is what adoption loss feels like some days. Today. This week.
My culture and religion tells me that I chose this, therefore I deserve this. They tell me I should be grateful for this. When I cry out for help I am told, “So sorry, that happened far too long ago for us to do anything to help. We simply can’t do anything for you now. But look! Look how wonderful things are now! Things are so different!!! Look how happy and thrilled everyone else is about the miracle and blessing of adoption!!!”
Thanks. Thanks for making sure that salt gets down to the deepest places of my woundedness. Thanks for the Christlike mercy as you grind it in, as thoroughly as possible.
Actually, no thanks.
On days like today – weeks like this week – I desperately wish I could unknow what I know, that I could unfeel what I feel, that somehow I could go back to being at least marginally blissful and unfeeling. I long for those days when I was still anesthetized, oblivious to the searing loss that never seems to quite go away and unaware of the devastation that awaited me five, ten, fifteen years…eighteen years later in March.
But I cannot unknow it and I cannot unfeel it, any more than the woman in that picture can unfeel what she is going through and will go through for years to come.
I just have to wade through it as best as I can and simply endure.