Of Course This is How it Ends, Part Deux & a Response to Red Hot’s “Bitter” Comment

Remember Jayci, that girl who is pregnant with Brandon Davies’ son and is planning to relinquish him for adoption? Remember her happy-happy joy-joy adoption blog?

It’s gone now. Vanished into thin air.

Of course this is how it ends.

When too much TRUTH is told about the toll adoption takes on first mothers and adoptees, the LDS adoption community circles the wagons and cuts off the “invaders.”  I wouldn’t be surprised if Jayci goes into seclusion or hiding of some sort until this dirty deed has been done, the paper work signed and filed with the county and state. I wouldn’t be surprised if we don’t hear nary a word from her again until her son is “safely” ensconced in the arms of another woman, a woman who is as foreign to him as you or I. A woman who doesn’t smell right, doesn’t sound right, doesn’t move right – isn’t right to his tiny newborn brain and heart.

I have known it to happen before with single expectant mothers in the LDS church who are being educated by others about the TRUE cost adoption will extract from them, their parented children, their relationships, and most importantly, their relinquished child.

Heaven forbid the TRUTH be told.

I was going to leave a response to someone named “Red Hot” over on Jayci’s blog who started in with the “bitter birth mother/angry adoptee” garbage but while I was typing it in, the blog *poof* disappeared.  I guess I will post it here instead, since it seems like the wagons have been circled. When that happens, there is no hope of that young mother escaping with her heart and her motherhood intact.



And thus the “bitter” moniker slinging begins. *sigh*

Thanks, Red Hot. Jayci had better get used to being called bitter by the likes of people such as yourself. The moment she starts to speak the Truth about the pain caused by cutting off generations of her descendants for time and all eternity (via adoption and the sealing ordinance), it will be too late for her to do anything about it. It’s nice to know you will be there to call her bitter.  While you are at it, be sure to remind her that no one held a gun to her head and made her sign the papers, that *she* made the decision and therefore has no right to feel the immense grief that will surely come. That is *very* helpful to a first mother who is hurting.

According to LDS theology and practice, every single one of my descendants that come through my daughter I placed for adoption are lost to me and my family. FOREVER. That’s quite the reward for such a “loving” decision, isn’t it? Even a murderer has the chance of pardon or reprieve. A first mother? It is a life sentence and in the LDS church, it is an eternal one too. There is no chance at redemption, no chance to ever reclaim a rightful inheritance. It is lost to both me and my daughter and our descendants for time and all eternity. Sit with that for a while and then get back with me about how “loving” adoption is for the adoptee or first mothers.

Once Jayci signs those papers and her son is sealed to another family, she is a persona non grata for ETERNITY in the lives of her descendants who come through her son.  She needs to think very carefully about what this means to her, her parents, her future children, and most importantly, to her son. She is willfully and intentionally cutting her son off (and all future descendants) from his rightful heritage. All in the name of love, of course.

The potential adoptive couple might be the nicest, most loving, most incredible people on the planet but when it comes right down to it, in the eyes of the law Jayci will not matter. In the eyes of the LDS theology and eternal family units, Jayci will not matter.

It doesn’t matter how many text messages they exchange or how many times they have Jayci over for dinner, it will not erase those simple truths from Jayci’s life or her son’s life. It doesn’t not matter how many “birth mother” bracelets, blankets, or monthly packages they send Jayci, she will reduced to nothing more than a walking uterus and a birth vessel in the eyes of California state law and by the doctrine of the LDS church. You may think that adoption is “so different” nowadays, but the  Truth is Jayci will still go home without her son and her son will still be raised by virtual strangers who can at ANY moment cut Jayci off from his life. For ANY reason. That is the Truth, as hard as it might be for some to hear.

Red Hot, *until and unless you have walked the path of a first mother* for nearly 20 years, have NO RIGHT to call those who have, “bitter.”  We speak TRUTH and sometimes TRUTH is a hard thing (1 Ne 16:2), a bitter pill to swallow.

If there is bitterness detected, perhaps it is bitterness in your own moral conscious and not in the hearts of first mothers who made a “loving” decision that shattered her family relationships FOR ETERNITY. Perhaps our Truth is a hard thing to you because you know in your heart we are speaking with the voice of wisdom and the authority of experience. Perhaps you know in your heart that babies and their mothers deserve to be together whenever possible, regardless of marital or financial status. (Ahem… did anyone else listen to Elder Cook’s talk in conference this last April???? You know, the one where he says that bit about single mothers who are single *for any reason*?)

Bitterness? No. Broken hearts? Yes. Sadness? Yes. Wondering why no one had the courage or willingness to tell me the TRUTH about adoption and its affect on my life, my relationships, my parented children, and most importantly on my daughter? Yes. But bitter is certainly something I am not, thankyouverymuch.

Myself, and many of the other first mothers who have posted comments here only want Jayci to be fairly warned of the eternal implications of what she is about to do.  We understand little of what we say will be taken to heart but at least she won’t be able to say, “No one told me differently.” These words will stand as a witness she was told differently and chose to go ahead with her “adoption plan” anyway.

That being said, we will be here to help her pick up the pieces in 6-8 years when the adoption anesthesia starts to wear off.

20 thoughts on “Of Course This is How it Ends, Part Deux & a Response to Red Hot’s “Bitter” Comment

  1. “According to LDS theology and practice, every single one of my descendants that come through my daughter I placed for adoption are lost to me and my family.”

    If that is what you believe, you do not understand LDS theology. The temple sealing ordinance is a binding ordinance, not a separating one. All you have to do is go forward or backwards a few generations, and you begin to understand that everybody is family.

    • Perhaps, Megan, perhaps.

      But according to stated and published LDS doctrine, my daughter is lost to me for the eternities. While our hearts might tell us something different as an adoptee (you) and a first mother (me), I have to defer back to published discourse about the sealing ordinance. It binds my daughter to her adoptive family, not to me and my family. The sealing ordinance connects posterity eternally through priesthood authority; this is done by sealing parents to their children.

      You are not sealed to your natural mother, Megan. You cannot be even if you wanted to be because you are sealed to your adoptive parents.

      My daughter is not sealed to me. She cannot and never will be since she was sealed to her adoptive parents.

      I cannot be sealed to my amazing adoptive father because I was previously sealed to a child molester who served time in prison.

      Perhaps God will sort it all out in the end, but for now in this life, we have to go with what the stated doctrine of the LDS church is: When a child is sealed to adoptive parents, they are considered part of THAT family’s eternal posterity, grafted into that family line for time and eternity. The original family unit of mother and her newborn infant is obliterated in the eyes of the LDS church, regardless of what well-meaning or sweet talking LDSFS/FSA folks have to say about it.

      If you think I am out in the dark on this one, try discussing your position with any adoptive parent who has recently taken their newly acquired child to the temple to be sealed to them for time and eternity. I am certain they will back me up entirely on this position, which is my point entirely. According to the sealing ordinance, that child is now THEIRS permanently.

      Until I hear it said differently IN PUBLIC by one of the twelve apostles, I have to go with what published church documents teach about this issue of adoption and the sealing ordinance.

      • Heck, I would actually even take a private confirmation from one of them that things are different and more like what you describe.

      • When families are linked through the generations, we all become the same family. Let me repeat myself: Temple ordinances are binding ordinances, not separating ordinances. If I need to educate adoptive parents on this point, I am perfectly happy to do so. And although sometimes people talk about adopted children being “theirs,” you and I know that adopted or biological children aren’t really a possession.

      • Start educating away, Megan. They won’t listen to me or women like me because we are just “bitter birth mothers” and adoption is “so different” today than when you were adopted or when I relinquished my daughter. Just be prepared to be thrown under the bus like many other brave adoptees who “dare” speak out. You are going to quickly discover what the rest of us already know: Our voices do not matter to those who gain in the adoption transaction.

        You can always start with the ladies over at the R house. They seem to have cornered the market on the modern interpretation of the LDSFS/FSA version of “this baby is mine forever now!”

      • Temple ordinances are binding ordinances, not separating ordinances.

        This is mostly true, Megan. In the case of adoption, the temple ordinances bind the adoptee to the adoptive parents. But in order for that adopted child to be bound to the adoptive parents, there must needs have been a separation proceeding it. That is the reality of adoption. One family loses, one family gains. It’s nice to think that it will all come out in the wash, but that is cold comfort for first families who have it thrown in our faces CONSTANTLY by the LDS adoption culture that those children are no longer ours, legally or spiritually. Ask my mother or my sisters what it is like being told by others that they do not matter to my daughter- not now and not in the eternities.

        Perhaps because you have never experienced the rampant marginalization of first families and in particular, first mothers, in the LDS adoption culture, we are not going to be able to come to an understanding of what I am trying to say. That is OK though. I hold fast to what I said earlier: Until this issue is clarified by church leadership, I have to go with what has been published in official church publications about the matter.

      • This is likely a stupid question– can the adoptive family and birth family be sealed to each other as one big family?

        I admittedly know next to nothing about LDS doctrine and I was just wondering if this is something that would even be considered.

      • Generally speaking, no. The covenant relationship is between parents and children, either natural or adopted. I guess if an adoptive family wanted to legally adopt the members of the birth family as “children” and members of the birth family had not previously been sealed to their parents, then it could happen. This is a *highly* unlikely scenario though. I have NEVER heard of it happening and would appreciate it if someone who does know of an adoptive family legally adoption the entire birth family as children so they could all be sealed as one big family to please pipe up and let me know.

        The typical scenario adoption/sealing scenario in the LDS church is that when a single woman gets pregnant, she is admonished that her child is entitled to the sealing ordinance (something that as an unmarried mother she cannot provide AT THAT TIME). She is told that there are waiting couples who are righteous enough to qualify for the sealing ordinance AT THAT TIME who deserve to raise her child. She then relinquishes her child for adoption to said couple, and when the adoption is finalized, that child is then sealed to the couple “as if born to” them. The “binding ordinance” exists between the adoptive parents and the adoptee, not between the adoptive parents and the first mother or the first mother and the baby.

        I think the concept of “one big family” that Megan is referring to is that if we all go back far enough in our ancestry and genealogy, we are all related somehow or another to everyone else. Through the sealing ordinance, we are all eventually bound together as one big family of man through these common ancestors.

        Sheesh, are you entirely confused now? Obviously, even between lifelong members such as Megan and I, there are extremely varying intrepretations of the sealing ordinance in relation to adoptees and their families. I can only imagine it would be even more confusing for someone who doesn’t have a good grasp on the finer points of LDS theology and doctrine! I know some nice young men that would be willing to stop by and help you sort it all out, though. 😉 (Just kidding).

  2. Amanda, adoption law is merely a legal fiction, you know that. The law acts treats the adoptee as if he or she is a child born unto the adopters, so cannot threat the adoptee as born by the real mother. So the state of no longer being related is indeed completely, fully, entirely imaginary, unless lawyers get involved.

  3. I read Jayci’s blog (while it was still up). She sounded like an intelligent girl but I admit, very starry eyed about the whole adoption thing. Her own words gave me the idea that she was making the adoption decision to make it easier for everyone else- the basketball player, make things “right” with her family, etc. The fact that she wasn’t his “long time girlfriend” also has a factor- in this community, the only way she can break the “stigma” is to do the “right thing” and place her child. (That’s the way I see it) And let’s not forget his promising basketball career! Where is his responsibility in all of this??? He’s what, 18, 19? A real man would take responsibility for his child. I really pray for her when she realizes the magnitude of this decision and its enormous impact.

    • I know what it is like to wake up from the adoption anesthesia, with eyes wide open and a mind clear from the carefully crafted rhetoric and hero-worship of first mothers in the LDS adoption culture. It is not a pretty thing….I hope she is able to find the support she needs at that point in her journey because God knows (literally), she isn’t going to get it from LDSFS social workers or the LDS church membership at large.

  4. I took my post down too since I didn’t tell her story, just linked to it and now there is nothing to link to. LOL I too am sad to see it go away.

  5. How dare you? You don’t know Jayci except for what you read on a blog post, and yet you are so quick to judge and so fast to determine how she will feel about this and what her true intentions really are. I will tell you that Jayci loves her son, and although she of course had doubts about this decision at first, as any mother would, she knows it is right because SHE prayed about it and made the decision, not because she thought it would be best or easier for everyone else. She loves that little boy more than anything else in the world, but she wouldn’t change a thing, and I know for certain that will stand, whether it is in 6-8 years or 40-50. She has a strong testimony of the Gospel, and she understands that although he is not sealed to her as her son, she will forever have a strong spiritual bond with him because she brought him into this world and gave him a life that she could not have provided for him by herself. God is not a cruel being. He does everything with us in mind, and yes. Of course everything will be worked out in the end. Certain things of this life we do not understand, we do not understand because we don’t need to now. Trust in God is key. I agree with Megan. Just because you are not sealed does not mean you will not share a close relationship with people from this life in the next and for the eternities to come. Jayci could not have found a better family for her son. They love him, they love Jayci, and they all understand the weight of a decision like this. They already have two children who were also adopted. Even being very young, these kids understand what adoption means. They know their birth mothers didn’t give them because they didn’t want them or love them, but because they did. Speculation based on a blog post is ridiculous, and all of you who are sitting there talking about the regret she will feel in years passed should be ashamed of yourselves. Your bad experience or feeling does not give you the right to put that on anyone else. Adoption has done amazing things for people over the years, for parents and children alike. Her and I have had friends who have placed children for adoption in their teenage years, and years later are married and having children of their own again, this time with their husbands and with an emotional and financial foundation that will be able to provide those children with the lives they have always deserved to have. This isn’t to say that women who decide to keep their children are poor mothers. Everyone has the right to that decision, and in many cases will make amazing mothers. My point is that there are many women who, although they of course still think about their child or children they placed for the rest of their lives, still know the decision they made all those years ago was the right one. It’s an extremely personal and sacred decision that lays between the mother, the Lord, and no one else. If you have regrets or face sadness because of the decision that you made in that regard, I truly am very sorry. I can’t imagine how that must feel. That being said, your decision is no one else’s, and no one else’s decision is yours. You don’t know Jayci, so don’t pretend you do.

    • I never pretended to know her. I never claimed to know her.

      What I do claim to know is that even in the best case scenarios (such as my adoption “experience” – and yes, according to the LDSFS/LDS adoption recipe, it has been near story-book perfect), a mother and her relinquished child will still suffer a great deal of pain and heartbreak. That’s all.

      But thank you for your understanding, all the same.

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