Strangeness


Dear Ms. Feverfew –

As I sit here tonight, I am having the strangest experience. I am having a hard time even being able to comprehend you ever existed in my life. Were you just a dream? Did I imagine you? Are you even real? Was I ever, if even for a fleeting moment, your mother?

I don’t know why this should come upon me tonight, this netherworld, disconnected, and almost disembodied sensation enveloping me. I feel like I did the day I signed the paperwork terminating my parental rights…numb on the surface but with a deep ache in the recesses of my psyche.

I have spent so many years desperately trying to prove my worth in the eyes of my culture, my church, and God – you…your parents. And I have a dreadful sinking feeling I am never going to measure up, not in by anyone’s standards. Is this distancing of myself from the reality of you my mind’s paradoxical way of surviving all of this at this moment?

I know it won’t last, this numbness that makes me feel translucent and unreal. Reality eventually settles back into my bones and I will have to face the world for what I am. Until then, I will just endure this…this strangeness.

Much love,

M.

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Strangeness

  1. I have enjoyed reading your blog for a while now and this post really spoke to me- I too remember the “numb” that was hiding the deep ache inside after signing those horrible relinquishment papers and I think the numb does come back now and again. Those heartbreaking words: “Was I ever, if even for a fleeting moment, your mother?” are ones that I’m sure that many of us natural/first/birth/whatever moms have felt – I know I have as it all feels like a Lifetime movie with someone else, instead of myself, playing the lead. I sometimes imagine that I will feel like his mother again when I finally see him face to face, but then it occurs to me that may not be so – perhaps it will feel like we are strangers, rather than a mother welcoming her much bigger baby boy “home”.

    • Welcome, Sara – I wish I could give you some advice on what it would feel like to meet a relinquished child again, but I simply don’t know. What I can do is urge you to read the stories of reunited mothers and reunited adoptees – that is just about the only place we can find authentic advice on the varieties of experiences we might encounter.

      BTW, I can *totally* understand your comment about life seeming like a Lifetime movie though I think mine would have to be one the SciFi network because its so bizarre!

      M.

  2. I want to edit my comment above – I have always felt as though he were my son and I am his mother and I love him desperately even if I haven’t had the privilege of everyday parenting – I guess what I tried to say is that he is my son of my body and my heart but I fear that relinquishing him prohibits me from being allowed to claim the beloved title of “mother”.

    Sara B.

    • Sara – The title of mother is one that you earned and can rightfully claim, with no qualifiers. No birth, first, natural…just mother. Sending lots of hugs and love your way – M.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s