Dear Ms. Feverfew –
Someone recently asked why I write these letters and more importantly, why I make them public for others to read. Why not just write them in my journal? Why put them out there for the entire world to see?
I really don’t know how to answer those questions. These letters started out as a way for me to work through the years of disenfranchised grief and sorrow but have become a part of “working out my own salvation” as I wrestle with God, much like Jacob of old. I have spent much of the last twenty years believing that God and I had our differences but in writing these letters, I have found that we don’t have nearly as many differences as I once thought. These letters have become a pathway to grace–to mercy— in my life as I try to make sense of the suffering adoption has brought into my life and the lives of your siblings.
So why do I post these letters instead of just keeping them in a journal? Another question I am not sure how to answer other than I feel compelled to do it. I can’t explain it further than that, really. I wish I could, but I can’t. It is like these letters have a life of their own and when I write them, they have to escape into the binary soup of the internet to live on as a testament of my love for you and a witness of the pathway through the healing process.
Do I secretly hope that someday you will find your way to them? Yes. But I worry you will feel violated, betrayed, or further wounded by the contents of some of them. In spite of these fears, I continue writing these letters in as honest and real of a way as possible. I have lived with lies for far too long in my life. I am tired of them. These letters lay bare my truth, which sometimes cuts to the quick, exposing bone and sinew and pulsing arteries.
This is why I write, even in spite of my fears – to tell my truth and to proclaim to the world I matter. I am more than just a vessel God used to build some other woman’s family. I matter. You matter. Our story matters.