Why I Write


Dear Ms. Feverfew –

Someone recently asked why I write these letters and more importantly, why I make them public for others to read. Why not just write them in my journal? Why put them out there for the entire world to see?

I really don’t know how to answer those questions. These letters started out as a way for me to work through the years of disenfranchised grief and sorrow but have become a part of “working out my own salvation” as I wrestle with God, much like Jacob of old. I have spent much of the last twenty years believing that God and I had our differences but in writing these letters, I have found that we don’t have nearly as many differences as I once thought. These letters have become a pathway to grace–to mercy— in my life as I try to make sense of the suffering adoption has brought into my life and the lives of your siblings.

So why do I post these letters instead of just keeping them in a journal? Another question I am not sure how to answer other than I feel compelled to do it.  I can’t explain it further than that, really. I wish I could, but I can’t. It is like these letters have a life of their own and when I write them, they have to escape into the binary soup of the internet to live on as a testament of my love for you and a witness of the pathway through the healing process.

Do I secretly hope that someday you will find your way to them? Yes. But I worry you will feel violated, betrayed, or further wounded by the contents of some of them. In spite of these fears, I continue writing these letters in as honest and real of a way as possible. I have lived with lies for far too long in my life. I am tired of them. These letters lay bare my truth, which sometimes cuts to the quick, exposing bone and sinew and pulsing arteries.

This is why I write, even in spite of my fears – to tell my truth and to proclaim to the world I matter. I am more than just a vessel God used to build some other woman’s family. I matter. You matter. Our story matters.

Much love,

M.

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6 thoughts on “Why I Write

  1. Yes ~ your story does matter. Also, if we mothers of adoption loss don’t speak out, how will our truths ever become known? Maybe a mom considering adoption who has only heard the “sunshine and roses” version will come here and learn so she can make a truly informed decision.

    • You know Susie, there is so much I wish I had known before I made the decision to relinquish my daughter. I wish I had read Lost and Found, The Journey of the Adopted Self, The Primal Wound and some of those other books before making that life altering (and not in a good way) choice. You know all to well the horror and sorrow of realizing the very thing we chose to do out of love for our child was like cutting them off at the knees. If I had known the potential lifelong affect adoption might have on my daughter’s ability to form her identity and her place in this world, I would have never made the choice I did.

      But what is done is done and it is what it is. I can only move forward and hopefully serve as a warning voice to an expectant mother who is thinking about heading down this path.

  2. My birth son has recently contacted me and all the pain and sorrow that I suffered has resurfaced after 35 years. Thank you for your letters, they are helping me again deal with the scars on my heart over the loss of him. After his loss I had bouts of depression and could never love again, I felt too damaged to give my heart to anyone again. He has been very gracious and kind but I’m again an emotional wreck. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this but so far reading your posts are a tremendous help.

    • Sandra –

      (((HUGS))). I am so glad he contacted you and I wish you the best on your reunion experience. I hope you have connected with some of the women over at First Mother Forum who have sailed the river you are now learning to navigate. I can’t imagine anyone *not* being a wee bit of a wreck when their child finally makes contact with them again after so many years. My one bit of advice is to read, read, read, and then read some more about adoption from an adoptee’s perspective, as well as from a first mom’s perspective. Please stay in touch and let me know how things are going.

      M.

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