Dear Ms. Feverfew –
“An objective observer who had no idea that I am a birth mother would call me a “good mother.” But those who know me best, such as my husband and my daughters, know better. They know that I have always felt like an imposter, like the original unmother…Losing my firstborn to adoption has broken me, like a fine porcelain vase, into a zillion shards. It’s going to take the rest of my life to find and glue all those pieces together again. But even then, I will never be the same mother, “good” or “bad,” to any of my children, that I would have been, had I mothered each one of my babies.” ~ ElisaMB@AOL.com in Confessions of a Lost Mother
This putting the zillion shards of my soul back together again? It is a difficult and delicate task. Treacherous. I am worried I won’t find all the pieces of me. I am worried that I won’t be able to fit all the parts back where they were before adoption came into my life. I am worried that one gust of wind, one passive aggressive comment from an observer of my efforts, and it will all be undone and I will have to start over again. Most of all though, I am worried that my relationship with God and my church won’t survive this process. I hope it will but have come to the place where I must honestly admit that perhaps it won’t.