Dear Jayci: Did You or Didn’t You? I Just Don’t Know


Do you remember last spring when Brandon Davies was kicked off the BYU basketball team for getting Jayci Stephens pregnant? Remember how happy she appeared to be to give their baby away to strangers (nice, decent and good ones, I am very sure, but strangers nonetheless)? Remember my long and drawn out response to Red-Hot telling me I was a bitter birthmother?

Well, Jayci has had the baby. I think I remember hearing it was in October some time, I am not certain. I am also not certain if she went through with her “adoption plan” either. Did Jayci end keeping her son? Or did she actually give him away as she had first planned? Did she realize that despite a not so ideal beginning, she could be a wonderful mother? Or did she cave to societal pressure?

I don’t know. She has a wonderful picture on her facebook profile right now of her little one snuggled up on her chest, resting his sweet little head under her chin, his ear pressed against her, listening to her heart beat. I don’t know who is sitting beside her on the couch, leaning in towards her. Her dad, perhaps? This baby’s grandfather? I just don’t know.

What I do know is that I hope for both her and her son that he is still with his mama. The thought of that brings tears to my eyes. I know, I know, I KNOW. There is a time and a place for adoption but…this wasn’t one of them. Unless Jayci proves herself to be an unfit mother, her son deserves and is entitled to be with her.

So bottom line, I don’t know if she relinquished her son for adoption or if she decided to parent.  That picture could have been taken pre-relinquishment.  I know adoption is what she was planning earlier in her pregnancy but did she go through with it? And then I ask myself, “Would it matter one way or the other?” Technically, no, it her decision to parent or to relinquish doesn’t affect my daily life but on the other hand…on the other hand it would mean one less mother and one less child out there trying to find a way to overcome the gaping bloody wounds brought about by the “miracle and blessing” of adoption.  And that would bring a certain measure of peace to my heart.

I guess I could go digging a bit more and find out what happened but I have to be truthful and say that I don’t think I could handle finding out she had relinquished her son for adoption. Because I know what is in store for her 20 years down the road.

M.

Edited to add: Just went and looked through her tweets. I can see the code-speak. I am pretty sure she went through with the relinquishment. You can read them in the comments section.

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29 thoughts on “Dear Jayci: Did You or Didn’t You? I Just Don’t Know

  1. I went looking on Twitter and she posted several pictures of a baby. Doesn’t sound like someone who gave up her kid, unless the APs are sending her lots of pictures…

    • Tweets from Jayci:

      October 9 ~ Today will undoubtably be the hardest day of my life.I never thought I could love someone so much.My heart is completely breaking. Prayforme

      October 9 ~ Turn your fear into faith….

      October 10 ~ Finally home from the Hospital. My world is absolutely shattered but I’m filled with faith. Thank you for the love and support. Keep praying

      October 10 ~ Miss you bud #faithnotfear http://yfrog.com/h8q4pffj (pictures of her son Maddix)

      October 11 ~ Just signed Maddix’s birth certificate

      October 11 ~ Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same thing….

  2. Even if Jayci proves herself an unfit mother, her son has the right to have her made fit (granted, that’s not possible in all cases, but quite some it is).

  3. I was waiting to hear about her. She didn’t really have a choice, did she, if she wanted to remain in positive standing. I can’t imagine the devastation they are going through right now; I hope they survive this. It’s just a sad situation. If society and her culture would just support her, they could be at home with their child right now. I hope they find peace.

    • The LDS adoption culture will never support an expectant mother parenting her child, regardless of the lip service they pay to it. LDSFS offices across the nation hold special fasting and prayer days so that more women will “do the right thing” and relinquish their babies.

      It is a sad situation – and she was fairly warned. That being said, I will be here for her in the coming years when she is trying to put her fractured sense of worth and motherhood back together again. Maybe by that point I will be able to do more than just lend a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on.

      • “I will be here for her in the coming years when she is trying to put her fractured sense of worth and motherhood back together again.”

        Melynda, that’s beautiful. Seriously. She would be seriously lucky to have you in her life.

        And a big OMG to the fast/prayer sessions at LDSFS. I had no idea. Have you ever met anyone who was very pro-LDSFS and then “turned.” I’ve read very vague accounts, but it seems like no one is really willing to be open about what LDSFS is doing wrong…. well, besides you!

  4. “…if she wanted to remain in positive standing” LOL.

    Society DOES support her and her child- just not the society in Utah. Ugh..this makes me sick. The poor girl and that baby.

    • I wouldn’t say that society is all that supportive of single mothers. There is certainly room for improvement. As a social worker, I can think of all kinds of services that we could offer single parents but don’t.

    • *sigh* LDSFS and the adoption culture that is celebrated in the LDS community reaches even to CA, where Jayci relinquished her son. If I remember correctly, that is where the adoptive family if from as well (LDS, of course.)

  5. There may be room for improvement as far as services we (the US in general) could be providing to single Mothers, but Utah is a different world when it comes to single Mothers. They are still stuck in the 1950’s. It is extremely dangerous for an unwed pregnant woman in Utah.

    • It is extremely dangerous for an unwed pregnant woman in Utah.

      And even more so for the boyfriend/father of the baby. He is simply a ghost in that state. No, not even a ghost. It is like he never existed.

      • Absolutely. It’s shameful, but hopefully the recent media exposes about this “might” lead to change…one can hope.

      • I have heard the rumblings in the distance about the LDS church getting out of adoption services entirely, partly because of lawsuits being brought on behalf of father’s rights and partly because of lawsuits for not placing children with GLTB. Rumor has it that adoptions in Canada through LDSFS have all but ceased – it will be interesting to see what these next couple of years brings about here in the US.

      • This is the complete honest truth. I don’t comprehend how they(Utah, and the agencies) discount the father’s rights, when the father was obvioulsy needed to create this child. They should be needed in consenting to give this child away.

    • Lorraine,

      As I have examined the core theology, the God of Mormonism ISN’T on the side of destroying families. Quite the opposite, in fact. It is the humans who have screwed things up entirely, as always. I have started working on a book (yes, I am silly enough to have two going at the same time) that will shed light on all of this. It is taking a lot of research and won’t be well received but it has to be written. The title? Signed, Sealed, and Delivered.

    • Oh, and yes. You are very right. It is still like the BSE in Utah and they seem to like it that way. *long deep drawn out sigh* (It seems like that’s all I can do today.)

      • Not a Mormon, but I can say that the “Mormon God” is the same God of other Christian religions. I can also say that God has nothing to do with the separation of natural families, PEOPLE do. It’s the misrepresentation of “God’s word” that has gotten everyone into trouble, and it’s time ALL religions knock it off.

  6. I just made the mistake of looking at her twitter feed. I am appalled! Gay slurs, racial slurs… I really was not expecting this! Her most recent tweet is her calling her dog “faggot” for getting into food. What the what? Really, Jayci?

    (obviously this has nothing to do with adoption but I needed to share my shock!)

  7. I am appalled at all of you. I think it is discussing that you all have pried your noses into my life and my business when you have NO idea what you are talking about and know NOTHING about the whole story. You are all so far off i feel sorry for you. Get a life and stop butting into mine.

    • Jayci –

      Thank you for stopping by and reading this post. You are right, I don’t have any idea about the situation, other than what you and yours splash across twitter, facebook, blogs, etc. I can only surmise, guess, and conjecture as to what has happened to you and your son. I think I make that fairly clear.

      I know it was not easy facing a crisis pregnancy in the LDS culture. I can only imagine it was even more difficult because of the high-profile situation. I hope you received the support you deserved to parent your son because he deserved you as his mother. God sent him to you. He didn’t/doesn’t view you as some baby making vehicle to get your sweet little one to the “right” woman. *You* are (were?) the right woman for your baby. You seem like a lovely, capable person. Sure, you hit a rough patch, but who of us doesn’t in our lives? I hope those around you whom you love and trust were able to extend mercy and grace towards you during that time and that you found a way to keep your son with you.

      If not and you made the decision to relinquish your son for adoption, please remember there are thousands of women who stand ready to help you as the adoption anesthesia begins to wear off in 5-8 years. We can help you because we have been you.

      Sincerely,

      M.

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