The Year of the Sister


Dear Ms. Feverfew –

Since I wrote that post the other day about my sister Melyine,  I have come to understand that part of cleaning up the aftermath of the adoption is going to have to include rebuilding relationships with all of my sisters that are still alive. 

Each one is precious to me but each relationship has been profoundly affected by my relinquishing you for adoption, and not in a positive way. Part of reclaiming the lost pieces of my motherhood include reclaiming the lost relationships with my sisters because they are part of me, they are part of my story. I cannot be whole without them.

I know that now. I can sense it deep in my bones. I don’t know how to have a relationship with my sisters though, not in the adult sense. I know how to survive the tragedy of our child together, but I don’t know how to be friends with them now.

So this next year I am dedicating learning how to be a sister again.  Melynie, Ellynore, Angelyn, Julyn – this one’s for you.

I want them in my life again if they are willing to have me.

Much love,

M.

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6 thoughts on “The Year of the Sister

  1. This post reminds me what adoption has done to my Mom and mine’s relationship. It’s broken down so far from repair. We never see each other except for run in’s and maybe Christmas because I do have relationships with my sisters and brother. We always say let’s do lunch but we never do.

    • “Nonetheless, there is a great distance between us that no one acknowledges aloud or ever for a moment escapes…between all of us there lies the edgy knowledge, despite our love for each other…We don’t talk about it because we can’t and stay intact, so we do the best we can; we offer each other goodwill and very little real understanding.” (Laake, 1993)

      Laake writes this about leaving the religion in which she was raised and how it has affected the relationship with her family, but it seems like many of us first mothers have expressed similar feelings. We don’t talk about this with our mother because we can’t.

    • I know it won’t make a lick of difference, but people NEED to know. People need to know that adoption fundamentally alters a woman’s relationship with her family members, not just her child. But as you know too well, no one wants to hear our stories. It won’t stop me from telling mine, though.

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