Had a Nice Little Vacation


Dear Ms. Feverfew –

I took a little sabatical over the past couple of weeks. I needed a break from all the bloggity-drama. You know that silly life some folks accuse me of not having? Well, I actually have one and it has been pretty busy these past couple of weeks. Frankly, I didn’t have time to babysit this blog. Perhaps I could have just disabled comments, but I needed some time to just rest and regroup as well. And rest and regroup I did. It has been a productive 14 days.

Among the other various duties I perform as a mother of three and active member of my church and community, I read a number of books. Here’s the list in no particular order:

Yes, I really read that many books in the past 14 days. Don’t hate me for it. If rumors are true, you are a voracious reader as well. But it isn’t the number that is important, it is the content of the books, particularly the ones about ambiguous loss and mothers and daughters.Ā  They have helped validate my experience as a mother who lost her child to adoption and the subsequent years of unsupported grief brought about by this ambiguous loss. I *highly* recommend them to any natural parent or adoptee who is struggling with unsupported and disenfranchised grief, especially in a culture that celebrates adoption loss and dresses it up with unenforceable post-adoption platitudes and monthly “care” packages for birth mothers.

I have more to say but it’s late and my husband just popped up on Skype so I am going to go chat with him for a bit and then go to bed. I just thought I would let you know that I still love you, I still think you deserve unfettered access to your original birth certificate and adoption records, and I still think adoption in the United States needs some serious reform.

Much love,

M.

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25 thoughts on “Had a Nice Little Vacation

      • LOL!! Finally….and if it’s dead, I know a nursery that is gonna be in BIG trouble!! Worst. Customer. Service. EVER!!!! xoxoxo

  1. You were missed! So glad your are back and that you had a nice break! (btw hello, I’m Two..it’s very nice to meet you! šŸ™‚

  2. I’m so glad you’re back! Wow- that’s a great list of books. I’ll be adding them to my library list! Do you have a goodreads account? I’d love to see what else you’ve read.

  3. Wow…I have had a goal for three years now to read 50 books in a year and I just cannot accomplish it. And that would only be 1 book a week, not 4. I’m impressed. I second the question on if you have a goodreads account. I would love to know what you thought about these books and which ones were your favorites (you know, since I obviously won’t get around to reading them all very quickly I’d love to hear your recommendation as to which one you would start with.)

    • Man, I love reading (if you couldn’t tell). When I die, they will find a stack of books beside my bed and two or three in bed with me. I don’t have a goodreads account but perhaps I will go set one up.

  4. So glad you’re back Melynda – definitely missed you! Congrats on the reading. I recently read Pauline Boss’ Ambiguous Loss and thought it was very applicable!

    Sara

    • Sara – So glad someone else had read it, too! It is very applicable for this adoption “stuff” and it at the top of my reading list for folks who are dealing with it.

  5. So glad you were able to have some time away from the ridiculous drama! And I am happy you are back šŸ™‚

    • You are so sweet! I just needed a bit of a break from all of the hullabaloo on here. It was nice. I got all kinds of things done around the house in comparison to that week or so when it was all drama, all the time.

      M.

    • Ah, shucks. Thank you, Kara. I love you as well and hope everything is still as joyous as it was a few weeks ago when you returned from your trip.

  6. As a biological mother and adoptive mother, a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and a voracious seeker of understanding, I wanted to thank you for your blog. I have learned much from you and your insights and am grateful that you have not “gone gentle into that good night.”

    • Jennifer –

      Thank you. My mom said to me recently, “You were always the sweetest little baby and child. You never gave me a moments worth of grief growing up, unlike your older sister who was always brimstone and fire, but…(she hesitated, searching for the right words)…but, you certain have gotten feisty in these last couple of years.” Yes, yes I have, Mom. šŸ˜‰

      She’s right, though, about me always being the quiet, compliant, good daughter. Its what got me in to the mess I am in now – from getting pregnant at 19 by a much older man (my daughter’s father) who essentially told me what to do, where to go, when to be there, and and what I should say when I showed up to relinquishing my daughter for adoption because another (much older man – my Bishop) told me what to do, where to go, when to be there, and what I should say when I showed up. I am a very nice person (even though JS and her crowd probably don’t agree), empathetic, sweet, blah blah blah. But yes, in my “old age” I have definitely grown bolder as I have discovered that I MATTER. I don’t know why that didn’t sink in during all those years of Young Women’s and seminary*, but I do matter and more than that, God is crazy about me, just as I am.

      M.

      (* Actually, I do know why it didn’t sink in. It had everything to do with the extreme spiritual, emotional, mental, and sexual abuse that was going on behind closed doors in our “perfect” Mormon family home. It’s tough for a girl to develop a sense of self-worth, to believe that God loves her, and that she is important to Him when her Priesthood holding father tells her at least once a day that she is garbage, that he wouldn’t pee on her if she was on fire, that she was a filthy pig, that she was an animal, that she didn’t deserve the air she breathed and then comes in to her room at night and does unspeakable things to her. I remember going to YW every week and sitting through lessons and thinking, “How can God love me when my own father doesn’t love me?” And now you know more about me than most people I sit next to every week at church. šŸ˜‰ )

      • Bless your heart. I think to myself all of the time “…so glad that I believe the gospel of the LDS faith to be true, because people within the church sure know how to *F* it up.”
        Keep telling your story. I, for one, need to hear it.

  7. Hi Melynda,

    I first saw your comments on FMF and I was astounded at your writing skill. You have a wonderful way of putting things into words the rest of us only wish we could state so succinctly – and powerfully.

    I’m a fairly short-time reader, having found your site less than a month ago, and first-time commenter. How does one go about communicating with you privately?

    Thank you,

    Amber

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