The Doctor is in the House


Ms. Feverfew –

I just thought I would share this with you.  This was just delivered this morning:

I so wished you could have been there at graduation. One of the things that sustained me in the darkest moments of my journey to this degree was the imagined picture of you, Captain Knuckle, the Professor, Princess P. and me in my PhD robes, all standing together for a picture after the ceremony. I imagined a picture of you and I standing together, you on my left with your parents and my parents to my right. I imagined a picture of you standing with me and my husband…a picture of just you and me.

I figured you would be almost 19 by the time I graduated and surely, we would have been in the beginning stages of a reunion and working towards rebuilding a relationship. After all, isn’t that  what every single counselor I have ever met with from LDSFS has reassured me would happen when you turned 18? After all, I had done everything “right” according to LDSFS and the LDS adoption culture and certainly I deserved the fairy-tale ending to all of this, the joyous reunion to reward me for my sacrifice, right?

But there are dreams that cannot be. And having you and your parents at my Ph.D. graduation was one of them. I sent your parents an invitation, you know, not that I heard anything back from them. It’s been almost a year since the ceremony. Do you know if they opened it or what they did with it? Did they let you read the letter I wrote? Did they even mention it to you, that your natural mother was graduating with her Ph.D.?

Well, I did. And I wish you could have been there with the rest of us.

Much love,

M.

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7 thoughts on “The Doctor is in the House

  1. I wish, with all my heart, you could have shared that moment with your daughter. I wish you never had to know the truth that is adoption, the lies that are told about adoption.

    I wish your daughter knew what an amazing, wonderful mother she has!

    (((Hugs)))

    • Ah, JS and her friends would disagree about me being amazing or wonderful, especially that one disgruntled individual who thinks it is their duty in life to track down and inform all the players in this drama about what a terrible person I am. *whatever* I say. Let them. What are they going to tell my daughter, her parents, my Bishop that they don’t already know? That I still love my daughter and want to have a relationship with her in whatever form is healthy and beneficial for her? That I am sorry my daughter was adopted? That I think adoptees should have access to their original birth records and natural families? That I stand up for adoptees and take other natural mothers to task for their language towards their children? That I can be mean sometimes to people I feel are behaving badly towards adoptees? That sometimes adoption issues drives me crazy? Pretty sure they know that about me already.

      It would have been nice to have her there, you are right. But it is what it is and I just find a way to exist with this reality.

      M.

  2. Oh M… I too wish with every cell of my being that your daughter could have been there. How I wish that she was a part of your life. I hope and pray that one day you will know each other. That she will one day know the depths of your love for her, that you will know love from her as well.

    Sending you much love ~

    • I hope so, too. Well, mainly I hope that she will know how very loved she is, how very cherished and important she is by myself and so many others. More than meeting her again face to face, that is my greatest wish.

  3. (((M))) Like the others have said, I wish too she could have been there with you celebrating this momentous occassion with you.

    I am sorry too, that you know this anguish – the dreams that can never be. I pray one day she shakes off the chains that bind to her adopters and she seeks you out and finds the wonderful family she has with you.

    Congratulations on receiving your Phd cert! Well done you! xxx

    • You know Myst, I wouldn’t mind having a relationship that included her adoptive family, too. Can’t we all just get along? Isn’t that what would be best for her, after all? That’s another dream of mine…her adoptive family and my family all acting like…well, like family for her benefit. I have come to realize it is most likely a bridge to far for them and as they always say, “It is what it is.”

      M.

  4. Congratulations, and I am so sorry that you couldn’t share the moment with your first born. It is so very sad, the schism that some people feel the need to create, for whatever reason. I adore you and hope that one day the rift will be healed.

    I wish that bridge for you.

    Much love,
    Kara

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