Dear Ms. Feverfew –
The Professor was supposed to go to summer camp this morning. I didn’t take him and he was happy to stay home (he is quite the homebody, kind of like his dad). I just can’t have him away from me today. This is atypical behavior for me, but today…today I will honor the need to keep him close to me.
Right now he is in the entertainment room watching “Phineas and Ferb.” Poppy is happily placing Mickey Mouse stickers around my office. I imagine Captain Knuckle is still in bed, but I don’t know for certain, as he is in Utah with his dad.
Me? I am sitting here, trying to hold it together, fighting against the urge to pull the shades tight, crawl back into bed and bury my head under the pillows for the rest of the day. If I can just make it through today, I can wake up tomorrow and somehow manage for another year.
I had the chance to chat for a few minutes with my husband this morning, too. (He’s away right now, as always). Here’s a snippet of our conversation:
[6/18/12 9:00:41 AM] JR: Hello gorgeous!
[6/18/12 9:00:45 AM] Me: Today is Ms. Feverfew’s birthday.
[6/18/12 9:01:25 AM] JR: sad day for you?
[6/18/12 9:01:27 AM] Me: Trying really hard not to spend it all in bed. Good thing I have these other kids to take care of, otherwise, I would.
[6/18/12 9:01:43 AM] Me: I don’t know if sad is the right word.
[6/18/12 9:01:45 AM] Me: Or the only word.
[6/18/12 9:01:51 AM] Me: I mean, I am glad she was born.
[6/18/12 9:01:57 AM] JR: of course.
[6/18/12 9:01:59 AM] Me: It’s just hard to be spending another birthday without her.
[6/18/12 9:02:06 AM] JR: yeah, I know what you mean.
[6/18/12 9:02:13 AM] Me: And realizing I will most likely never get to spend one with her.
[6/18/12 9:02:24 AM] Me: And accepting the fact I can never get back the ones I have missed.
[6/18/12 9:02:31 AM] Me: Adoption, the gift that keeps giving.
[6/18/12 9:02:45 AM] JR: Adoption, the gift that keeps on taking
[6/18/12 9:02:54 AM] JR: or,
[6/18/12 9:03:03 AM] JR: Adoption, the gift that you keep on giving.
In just two and a half minutes, we summed up what has ailed me for nearly the last two decades.
Added on top of all of the birthday sadness is the realization that the TRUTH about how adoption would affect you and me was purposefully withheld from me when I was trying to make a decision about this…it’s hard to admit I was taken advantage of (not by your parents, THANKFULLY, but by church leaders and the adoption industry). It’s hard to admit I was duped. That I was coerced. That I could not have given informed consent because…well, because I wasn’t informed.
It would be so easy to spend the day crying. So very, very, VERY easy, but I am going to choose faith today, as much as possible. So today, I chose to believe God is bigger than all of this. Today, I choose to believe God’s power to heal is more powerful and permanent than the lies I was told. Today, I chose that perfect brightness of hope, a hope which shines through even the deepest darkness.
Because things are pretty dark right now.