Two and a Half Minutes


Dear Ms. Feverfew –

The Professor was supposed to go to summer camp this morning. I didn’t take him and he was happy to stay home (he is quite the homebody, kind of like his dad). I just can’t have him away from me today. This is atypical behavior for me, but today…today I will honor the need to keep him close to me.

Right now he is in the entertainment room watching “Phineas and Ferb.” Poppy is happily placing Mickey Mouse stickers around my office. I imagine Captain Knuckle is still in bed, but I don’t know for certain, as he is in Utah with his dad.

Me? I am sitting here, trying to hold it together, fighting against the urge to pull the shades tight, crawl back into bed and bury my head under the pillows for the rest of the day. If I can just make it through today, I can wake up tomorrow and somehow manage for another year.

I had the chance to chat for a few minutes with my husband this morning, too. (He’s away right now, as always). Here’s a snippet of our conversation:

[6/18/12 9:00:41 AM] JR: Hello gorgeous!
[6/18/12 9:00:45 AM] Me: Today is Ms. Feverfew’s birthday.
[6/18/12 9:01:25 AM] JR: sad day for you?
[6/18/12 9:01:27 AM] Me: Trying really hard not to spend it all in bed. Good thing I have these other kids to take care of, otherwise, I would.
[6/18/12 9:01:43 AM] Me: I don’t know if sad is the right word.
[6/18/12 9:01:45 AM] Me: Or the only word.
[6/18/12 9:01:51 AM] Me: I mean, I am glad she was born.
[6/18/12 9:01:57 AM] JR: of course.
[6/18/12 9:01:59 AM] Me: It’s just hard to be spending another birthday without her.
[6/18/12 9:02:06 AM] JR: yeah, I know what you mean.
[6/18/12 9:02:13 AM] Me: And realizing I will most likely never get to spend one with her.
[6/18/12 9:02:24 AM] Me: And accepting the fact I can never get back the ones I have missed.
[6/18/12 9:02:31 AM] Me: Adoption, the gift that keeps giving.
[6/18/12 9:02:45 AM] JR: Adoption, the gift that keeps on taking
[6/18/12 9:02:54 AM] JR: or,
[6/18/12 9:03:03 AM] JR: Adoption, the gift that you keep on giving.

In just two and a half minutes, we summed up what has ailed me for nearly the last two decades.

Added on top of all of the birthday sadness is the realization that the TRUTH about how adoption would affect you and me was purposefully withheld from me when I was trying to make a decision about this…it’s hard to admit I was taken advantage of (not by your parents, THANKFULLY, but by church leaders and the adoption industry). It’s hard to admit I was duped. That I was coerced. That I could not have given informed consent because…well, because I wasn’t informed.

It would be so easy to spend the day crying. So very, very, VERY easy, but I am going to choose faith today, as much as possible. So today, I chose to believe God is bigger than all of this. Today, I choose to believe God’s power to heal is more powerful and permanent than the lies I was told. Today, I chose that perfect brightness of hope, a hope which shines through even the deepest darkness.

Because things are pretty dark right now.

Much love,

M.

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17 thoughts on “Two and a Half Minutes

  1. Ah Melynda. (((Hugs))) I know there is nothing I can say to make things better. Just know I love you and I’m thinking of you and I”m here for you if you need me.

    • Thanks, Cassi. It just keeps running through my mind….why did NO ONE tell me it was going to get worse as she got older, not “better”? I have been reading the studies. THE INFORMATION WAS THERE. Why wasn’t I told? WHY???????

      • That same theme has been going through my head recently, Melynda. Why did NO ONE tell me about all the negatives for first moms and adoptees? It was presented as rainbows and unicorns, and I was told there was no other choice, that I absolutely could NOT do this on my own. I know now, of course, that I could have, but I bought into it as well.

  2. Melynda, I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling today. Please don’t ever ever give up on the hope that you will spend your daughter’s birthday with her one day. It may be next year….or it may be 10 years from now, but things can change, and often do. I am so grateful that my mother was waiting anxiously for me to return to her, and then welcomed me in the most loving way. My birthday was last week, and I know it was a really hard day for my mom…and for me too…even though we are together now. There is something so tragic about adoption loss, it can’t be adequately captured in words. Thinking about you and Ms. Feverfew today.

    • There is something so tragic about adoption loss, it can’t be adequately captured in words.

      Perhaps because in many cases of infant adoption, it is a loss that shouldn’t or needn’t have happened?

      Thank you for the words of encouragement and hope – I am so glad you have reconnected with your mom and hope both of you can continue healing and moving forward in your relationship.

      M.

  3. Oh dear Melynda. I had another weekend on the sofa. All. Weekend. Long. I didn’t move but to cook a few meals. I didn’t leave the house, I didn’t do my hair, makeup. The only thing I did do was showered, and cried. For the first time with W’s dad, it was horrible. Great big hugs to you.

  4. ((Melynda)) There is not much I can say that will really help except to let you know you are not alone in the dark places… we are there with you. I am so sorry for the truth in what you say. Much love M. Take care of yourself today xxx

  5. HUGS to you Melynda – I know the birthday pain well and it does somehow seem to get worse the older our children get! Just know there are many of us that know your pain and join our hearts with yours!

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