People Say the Darndest Things: What Some People **Really** Think About Women Who Place a Child For Adoption


Dear Ms. Feverfew –

A while back, there was an article in a paper about an open adoption that for all intents and purposes, seems to be “working” (whatever that means). These are some of the comments left by readers about the birthmother (her choice of words, not mine) who believes she made a “loving” decision to voluntarily terminate her parental rights because she was single, and for no other reason. Mind you, these aren’t the things people say directly to a woman who has lost a child to adoption (which are hurtful enough as it is), but behind her back and under the cloak of anonymity on the Internet.

I stopped collecting comments after the first day or so – I didn’t have the stomach to pursue it further at the time. But now…now I do. So, if you don’t mind, I think I will keep adding more of these little gems as I encounter them, and not necessarily from the original story. I will even start including screen captures and links back to the original content when possible. Nothing like full attribution to shine the light of day on this kind of stuff, eh?  I’m sure there are enough similar published-in-public-spaces-sentiments to fill an entire book.  A large one, maybe even a multi-volume set.

Take care –

M.

” Any moron with a working set of reproductive organs can create, carry, and birth a child… Squeezing out a baby doesn’t make you a mother any more than putting together a bookshelf from Ikea makes you a master furniture builder.” ~ Guy Incognito

“birth mothers aren’t the type of people who should be around little kids regardless of their genetic relationship” ~ El Conejo

“There’s nothing wrong with having an open adoption and then closing it…” ~ Ron W., adoptive father

I wouldn’t even consider an open adoption.  Maybe I’m wrong, but I just don’t think it’s in the child’s best interest.  Furthermore, it really rubs me the wrong way that the birth mother gets to outsource all of the responsibility but be there for the happy moments. ~ EdDebevic

Sorry, but the mothers who took responsibility didn’t give their kids away. They sacrificed and raised them. This kind of dump or responsibility is slap in the face to real parents.…Shes married now and I’m willing to bet she has another child… which is weird to me, if you can be a mom a few years after your first one, what was really the dilemma in the first place? Simply not being married? Its a cop out, and yes, she is just getting the best of both worlds. ~ macciatos

Giving up your child… is a complete cop out. You give up all of your responsibilities, basically dump your child off on someone else so that you don’t have to make the sacrifices. It isn’t brave and I don’t feel like it is something that should be cherished or encouraged. ~ macciatos

what a selfish arangement [sic]. ~ fudgemonkey1

I personally don’t think a contract would have been helpful in my situation. If the contract had forced visits or emails on me, I think that may have pushed me to insanity! (HA!) ~ adoptive mother

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42 thoughts on “People Say the Darndest Things: What Some People **Really** Think About Women Who Place a Child For Adoption

  1. I read this stuff too and I think,…Yowie! Is that what you think about “your” child? If you think so lowly of the (first) mother, how can you not look for the same qualities you ascribe to her to the child? Even if you think you separate, he or she probably picks up on your feelings anyway. Subtle clues are there, even though you don’t think so and would be so surprised to be told of them.

  2. Pretty low isn’t it – where are all those “brave”, “selfless”, “loving mother” comments? Oh right – those only apply before the papers are signed.

    Really glad you are back – missed your posts.

    • Thanks, TAO.

      You are so right about the shift in rhetoric once the papers are signed and everything is finalized. I don’t know how to convince young mothers this same thing will happen to them – that it isn’t just “old” people it happened to. That makes me so sad – for the mothers and their children, both.

    • That’s kind of my reaction, too, which is why it took me so long to write about that particular instance of bashing-the-birthmother/birth mother/first mother/natural mother/bio mother/mother/whatever it is people decide to call her.

  3. Funny… Most of these comments sound right out of the Infant Adoption Training you can do online, offered by the National Coalition of Adoption. I don’t recommend taking the training, it might give you a stroke.

    But, what I did want to let you know about was the project I am currently working on called the Open Adoption Legal Project. I don’t know if you were promised an open adoption, at any level, but I see you are a mom from the early 90’s, which would qualify you to particpate. You can find out more here: http://facebook.com/OpenAdoptionLegalProject or at my blog. But the base of it is that we are currently calling on people to send their narratives as well as basic information, to give to our legal team. If you are interested, you can be reviewed by our legal team to determine if you can be a plaintiff. The purpsose is to hold adoption agencies and attorneys accountable for their lies. Even if you don’t want to particpate, you can still help us out by spreading the word about us. Thanks!!

    • Oh, yes. The National Coalition of Adoption and their propaganda…..er, training (cough, cough, AHEM!).

      Thank you for letting me know about the Open Adoption project. I’ll take a look and see if it is something I can pursue, though honestly at this time, I am up to my eyeballs in attorneys, complaints, filings, briefings, and such.

      • Thanks! Even if you could do a post, that would be helpful as well. But, I can understand if you don’t have the time, it looks like you are quite busy with the pharm industry… another one of those terrible industries set to profit from other people’s pain….

  4. I wonder if Tyler and Catelynn of Teem Mom fame have seen this? Might help them take the blinders off their “adoption is AMAAAAAZING” schtick.

  5. Wow. Just wow. Some of those comments were disgustingly ignorant! I sure would love to scream the truth in all of their faces!!

  6. Nothing ever changes M. It’s all wonderful until all the I’s are dotted and t’s are crossed. Then you get thrown to the wolves- bastards. I wonder how they can sleep at night, and how God really feels about all of this crap. Because as we both know, God isn’t into adoption, he is into being born again.

  7. Wow. Sadly I feel like I took all those comments heart. Its as if they were being said directly about me or my situation. I don’t understand how some people can say those things. Baby hungry wolves who will stop at nothing, pisses me off.

    • Elle Frost – I know what you mean – even though those comments were not directed at *me* per se, they were directed a woman who belongs to the same sisterhood to which I belong, that of being a woman who has lost a child to adoption. So in a way, they *are* saying it about me – at least, it feels that way sometimes.

  8. Very Sad. I want to believe that people are smarter & that attitudes have improved over the past 40+ years, but it appears they are worse. If my adoptive mother had such ugly thoughts as these, she had the good sense to hide them well. She expressed only compassion & empathy for this young woman who she felt certain I would someday have the pleasure to meet.

    • Some adoptive parents “get it” and do so very early on in the game. You seem to have gotten an adoptive mother that “got it,” much to your benefit and her credit.

      • Thank you, yes I did get good parents & they were hot on the trail to get enough info I might have a chance to find her later on. Adopted me through the predecessor to LDSFS. At 75 my mom still helps me search & educates people every chance she gets. We enjoy reading your blog & wish the best for you.

  9. We’re amazing, and selfless until the papers are signed, eh? We can’t win, no matter what we do. We parent, we’re selfish. We adopt, we’re left with a life time of hurt, and stereotype of being a complete fuck up.

    Ugh. Terrible.

    • I know! I *so* love the comment about how birth mothers shouldn’t be allowed around children.

      And just wait until your little one gets older, Danielle, and starts making choices that are not in keeping with his adoptive parent’s value system. His bad choices get blamed on you, even though you didn’t parent him because after all, *after all*, he is the child of one of *those* kinds of women. But here’s the kicker – if you had raised him as a single mom and he made the EXACT same kinds of choices, you would STILL be blamed because you raised him as a single mom! Isn’t it brilliant? We get screwed either way!

      And of course, once a birth mother, always a birth mother, and in the LDS culture, it is a moniker I get to wear into the eternities. I *NEVER* get to be redeemed from this status – according to currently stated doctrine, the Atonement doesn’t quite reach far enough heal to restore my daughter to me. She is sealed to her adoptive family and is theirs forever and ever, amen, thus sayeth the Lord (or at least the LDS church).

    • It does stay with you, but I eventually reached a place where I have become fierce with the truth. I don’t know if it was turning 40-years old or facing horrific medical issues that flipped a switch inside of me, but I am d.o.n.e. ignoring the elephant in my living room. From somewhere deep inside, I have tapped into a reservoir of steel that allows me to look at this stuff squarely in the eye and not bend under the weight of its grossness.

      • yeap a long time in hosp md takes everything, can bearly walk, the judge saying he knows best, the md finally said you can go home and clean. yeap glad to almost be able to clean
        real people kinda have to be there if they think it was easy.

  10. Gee, somehow this is not what adoption agencies tell expectant moms they are encourgaing to let go of a child for their profit! They tell them how unsefish and loving a choice adoption is.

  11. as an adoptive mom, the comments you listed disgust me. I wonder though if you would be willing to point out some positive comments so that not every adoptive family is painted as evil. I won’t pretend that there aren’t APs who go back on their word or say things like this. I know better, and I sadly acknowledge that some lie. I wish I could say that wasn’t true.

    I admit that I came into the world of adoption pretty much as ignorant and uneducated about what it really is from my limited exposure to it. And that exposure was mainly from movies and tv. As a single adoptive mom I thought I had done some “extra” research but info out there is convoluted, vague, idealistic and surface to say the least. I’d love to see things like this used to educate people about what birthmothers really are and what they are NOT and what open adoption can look like.

    I’m sorry that anyone could be so insulting and condescending.

    • I never said these are comments only from adoptive families. These statements are the general sentiment of the people who left comments on the article. I am sorry you feel these comments paint a adoptive families in a negative light. However, I find this rather perplexing as the comments are (a) directed towards a natural mother and (b) the field in which to leave comments on the article do not contain checkboxes or buttons for commenters to indicate their status in an adoptive family or not. It is not my intent to malign adoptive families, but to only draw attention to the sentiments expressed by the general public.

      I agree, there is a lot of work to be done to educate the public about natural/first mothers, though I have the feeling there is a fairly high probability we might disagree as to the content of that education.

      M.

  12. Like my A mom always says, “Don’t forget, she gave you up, if it wasn’t me it would have been the next person on the list”. Warms my heart.

  13. Shame on you people… Who gives you the right to judge? Definitely not God. Cast the first stone indeed. People who spread uneccassary and unfounded hate make me very disappointed in humankind. Very sad.

  14. sorry but I too only met one adoptive parent that was a decent parent. But they for eighteen years continually told others they also should adopt. How someone could ignore the heartbreak adoption causes is beyond me. thank you for going after the lairs, sorry i always spell that wrong, laywers and agencies for fraud, misrepresentation, failure to provide services offered, deception of open adoptions but then what of the closed adoptions? as though the act was so completely vile there is no recourse. you are doing a very good thing here. I pray you can change this system every day.

    • I have fortunately met a good number of adoptive parents who are decent people, gooddaytocry. I just got a big hug from one of them less than 30 minutes ago at church, actually! (Mama who adopted out of foster care and has raised *amazing* children). Even still, so many people have such terrible feelings and thoughts about mothers who have relinquished a child, it truly is frightening.

      • Trouble is I met a few adopted out of foster care. One remembers his family of origin, they were poor by our standards and loved. the child was stolen, adopted by a gatherer and then raped and dropped off at a group home. They don’t even tell people they are adopted because they feel they will be mistreated worse. Even Delilah admits “her” children didn’t need to be taken away from their families (but doesn’t seem to return them?) these foster kids know not to rock the boat, some of them do, because they know they do not have the resources to rescue themselves.

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