Dear Adoptive Parents Who Google, “i hate my daughter’s birth mother” and Land Here:
How might I say this in the most loving way possible? I understand, in some ways, the intensity of your feelings, but have you thought of joining a support group
(or five)…like yesterday? I beg you, find one soon – if not for your own peace, then for your daughter’s sake.
“Hate” is a pretty intense word. Perhaps you might consider entering into therapy for a bit to learn how to manage such intense emotions. By so doing, they don’t spill out into your relationship with your daughter. Even if your daughter’s birth mother did horrible things to her, you still need to dig deep and find place of love to reflect back to your daughter.
Children know things. We teach them these things through the tightening of our brow, the catch in our breath, and the stiffening of latissiumus dorsi muscle when difficult topics arise. Your daughter will grow feeling the hate you have for her first mother. More likely than not, she will learn to hate the part of her that is from her first mother. By hating her birth mother – whether you ever speak the words aloud or not – you are modeling for her how to hate half of her self.
There is another path. Wouldn’t you prefer to model love? Kindness? Patience? Truth? Hope? Perseverance? Acceptance? Forgiveness?
Hate is a mighty strong word, but love is stronger. Love is so much stronger.