Stick With Love


Dear Adoptive Parents Who Google, “i hate my daughter’s birth mother” and Land Here:

stickwithloveHow might I say this in the most loving way possible? I understand, in some ways, the intensity of your feelings, but have you thought of joining a support group (or five)…like yesterday? I beg you, find one soon – if not for your own peace, then for your daughter’s sake.

“Hate” is a pretty intense word. Perhaps you might consider entering into therapy for a bit to learn how to manage such intense emotions. By so doing, they don’t spill out into your relationship with your daughter. Even if your daughter’s birth mother did horrible things to her, you still need to dig deep and find place of love to reflect back to your daughter.

Children know things.  We teach them these things through the tightening of our brow, the catch in our breath, and the stiffening of latissiumus dorsi muscle when difficult topics arise. Your daughter will grow feeling the hate you have for her first mother. More likely than not, she will learn to hate the part of her that is from her first mother. By hating her birth mother – whether you ever speak the words aloud or not –  you are modeling for her how to hate half of her self.

There is another path. Wouldn’t you prefer to model love? Kindness? Patience? Truth? Hope? Perseverance? Acceptance? Forgiveness?

Hate is a mighty strong word, but love is stronger.  Love is so much stronger.

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5 thoughts on “Stick With Love

  1. I have a strong feeling this is something my granddaughter’s adoptive mom would google. And since I’ve know my granddaughter’s adoptive father since he was 16 years old (adoptive dad is my BIL), I know they would not think to enter into any support groups as they see the issues as being ours. They have what they wanted. The rest of us can be damned.

  2. I was just thinking about this the other day, how I tangibly felt connected to my natural mother growing up – not just the dreamlike connection. The only thing I could think of was that I didn’t know anything about my natural mother but my adoptive father made a comment when I was a young teen saying essentially “you can’t get pregnant in one try” (in reference to a neighbor girl who was a pregnant teen) which to me had explicit implications of my natural mother’s character and there for who I was. The comment was more of a reflection of their own fertility issues than of the reality of the situation but as a young teen I thought they thought I would be…let’s say promiscuous.

    Note to adoptive parents: Please understand that your child knows that they are part of their biological parents and what you say about biological mother or father is reflected in your adopted child’s perception of self and how they think you value them in your family. Love your child’s biological parents as you love your child – which I hope is unconditional. Be free with the positive statements about your child’s natural mother it will only bring them closer to you because they will understand that they are indeed lovable.

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