Dear Person Who Found This Blog by Searching for, “does giving your child for adoption makes you a bad person”

Dear Anonymous Search Engine User:

In short, no.

It doesn’t make you a bad person, per se, to give your child up for adoption, especially if you have not been told the full truth about the potential risks adoption brings your relinquished child’s life, not to mention anything about yours.  What you need to know is that adoption will break you in ways you did not know you could be broken. Adoption can also break your child in ways that you had no idea a child could be broken. This damage – this breaking along the fault lines of your soul – compounds across the years. It is not a one time thing. It gets bigger as it spreads, like a tsunami traveling across a deep ocean.

And while you are not “bad” for choosing to relinquish your child for adoption without full knowledge of the truth, you will be treated as if you were “bad.” The moment you sign the voluntary termination of parental rights paperwork, you will be treated like there was something defective in you, which is why you don’t deserve to have any kind of relationship with your child. After all, what kind of woman gives their baby to strangers????

And when you wake up from the adoption-industry induced anesthesia and discover the depth of injury you have caused your child and you are crazy with grief, society (and even perhaps the adoptive parents and your once-upon-a-time child) will point at that grief as “evidence” that you were “bad” and didn’t “deserve” your child.

So think carefully about the adoption “decision” and the potential long-term devastation you are inviting into your child’s life, even if you think you are choosing “good” adoptive parents. Your child wants only you. You and you alone. Be your child’s hero. Not some white infertile couple who has a slick advertising book on some corner of the internet, boasting about all their Stuff and all the Things.

Your. Baby. Wants. You. Your. Baby. Needs. You.

And, if after saturating yourself in the true facts of the cost of adoption to your child’s long-term mental health, you still relinquish your child for adoption? Then yes, yes you are a bad person.


One Who Wishes She Had Been Told the Truth 23 Years Ago


12 thoughts on “Dear Person Who Found This Blog by Searching for, “does giving your child for adoption makes you a bad person”

  1. Yes. I’m 52 and my mother is dying. I found her 4 years ago, and she rejected me. My half brother (the one she kept) ran me out of the hospice today so he could be alone with his mother.

    I’m never going back.

    My parents choose this for me.

  2. Well stated! From one who wishes she would’ve been told the truth 25 years ago. I’ve been in a rocky reunion with my son for 5 years. It breaks my heart to see how the trauma of adoption has & continues to effect his life in negative ways. The grief I suppressed for 20 years was overwhelming. If only I had known……

      • It’s all any of us can do – tell the truth courageously and fully. The reasons why people don’t in adoption is so complex and we are all victims in one way or another. Only with truth can we become survivors.

  3. I wish I’d known. It’s been 47 years, and I’ve had a full life, a wonderful family, and a satisfying career, but even after all this time, I’m still chewed up about losing my first son to adoption. Friends and family and even my therapist tell me to back off reading books about adoption and spending so much time online posting about it, but I have to confront this. Backing away just delays having to deal with it. I backed away for 44 years; now it’s time for the reckoning. I found my son; we love each other; we are both terribly wounded by what happened to us, him most of all. I want to tell the world to look past the happy adoptive families they may know and see the depth and breadth of the pain adoption has caused and will continue to cause until this abhorrent practice is stopped.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s