About ten years ago, I started making some of my writings public on this blog. Since I last wrote anything, I’ve finally met my daughter and things are….well, they are what they are and I’ll leave it at that. Out of respect for her, I won’t say anything about the state of our relationship but here’s what I do have to say:
I am no longer an active, practicing Mormon. After 25 years of wrestling with the LDS version of God, I came to a place where I could no longer, with any fidelity to my soul and my core values, continue to participate in a religion that thought so little of me as a mother and that thought so little of my daughter. I came to understand that giving my time, talents, and all with which I have been blessed to an organization that systematically stripped me of my motherhood was an affront to common sense and moral decency. As such, I officially resigned from the LDS church in January of this year. My husband, my mother, and my LDS bishop were all extremely supportive and understanding as they know on an intimate level the cost the LDS church has extracted from me. They all agree that there are few who have tried harder to make things “work” than me. If there is a God (of any version), I know He/She/It/They will understand my heart and my choice and judge me accordingly.
For much of the last decade, this space has been where I told my story with a high lonesome sound. It’s been a place where I worked through the heart ache and sorrow of being a natural mother, while at the same time trying to hold space and hope for a joyful reunion with my daughter. But since my resignation and subsequent reunion I no longer feel the high lonesome in my soul. While things did not turn out as I had longed for in my reunion, my resignation has allowed me to engage with my life and relationships in an authentic way.
For the past few months I’ve wrestled with taking this blog down completely or leaving it up for others to read. Do I let it stand as a witness to my experience? A testament to my pain? My truth? I know this blog is polarizing on many fronts. I am also under no illusions that my story is somehow unique or special. However my gut tells me to let this blog of high lonesome remain as is.
Whether this be folly or wisdom, only time will tell.