Open Letter to APs & PAPs

Dear Ms. Feverfew –

A very brave and a very articulate adoptee, Lillie, wrote an important letter for those who are considering adoption or who may be “touched” by adoption to read. By sharing her letter, I am not trying to impose her story on yours, I am merely trying to allow the ONLY ONE in the adoption transaction that had NO CHOICE in the matter the ability to speak about adoption, to teach others what it means to be adopted from her perspective.

Watching the ensuing backlash since  the letter started making the rounds last week has been interesting. The harshest criticism has come from APs insisting their adoptees do not feel and will never feel the things Lillie describes.  One even went so far as to say Lillie’s writing made her feel like she “was reading a teenagers rants.” (FYI, Lillie isn’t a teenager.  She’s a 38 year old woman who happens to have her stuff together enough to tell her truth about how adoption has affected her. And no, she isn’t an angry adoptee either. Just one with enough courage to lay it all out there on the line.)

At any rate, I don’t know if you feel like Lillie or not. I just hope that if you do feel like her, you will know that you aren’t alone.   And if you don’t? That’s OK, too.  You aren’t alone either.

Much love,

M.

P.S. You can also read the letter where it originally appeared by clicking HERE.

_____________________________________________________
An open letter to APs, PAPs, 
and anyone who has even considered adoption

What you are about to read may shock you. It may challenge you. And, hopefully, it may inspire you to educate yourself further on the realities of adoption. Please read the following with an open mind, and try not to take anything said here personally. Because this is not meant to be an attack or a judgment; it is meant to be an honest and heartfelt expression of one adoptee’s experience that would hopefully bring understanding and respect for the often ignored portion of the adoption equation.

To all adoptive parents, hopeful adoptive parents, and anyone who has ever even considered adoption:

Being adopted hurts. Being adopted is hard. It is not beautiful; it is brutal, it is tragic, it is a cause for great sadness. For in order for a child to even be available for adoption, that child must first go through some sort of tragedy; whether that be abuse, hunger, homelessness, neglect, or even the simple fact that he or she is losing the life and family he or she was born into. This makes adoption a thing to mourn; not a cause for celebration or joy. To be joyful about adopting a child is to be glad that this tragedy happened.

I don’t think there’s a soul alive who would actually choose to be born into a situation where being relinquished for adoption, voluntarily or otherwise, was necessary.

Of course there will always be a need for children to be removed from their parent(s) and placed in safer, more stable, loving homes – but please understand that no matter how good and loving and wonderful the adopting parents are, nothing will ever erase the pain, the grief, and the loss that comes with being adopted.

The very foundation of adoption is that of loss – a child loses his or her mother, father, and entire family; a mother, father and family loses one of their children. And, yes, even a loss for the adopting parent – sometimes the loss of the expectation of having their own, biological offspring, the loss of a dream of having a baby of “their own.” A separation of one family MUST occur before a new one can be built through adoption. Maybe it isn’t a voluntary destruction, maybe the destruction is necessary for the health and safety of the child – but it is still a destruction of the very core, fundamental foundations of that child’s life that will forever be altered.

Think of it this way…one of your parents dies, and your surviving parent eventually goes on to remarry. Though you might grow to love and have a great relationship with your parent’s new spouse, no amount of love and happiness in this present situation will erase the grief you feel over the loss of your other parent. So please, if you have adopted or are considering adoption, keep this in mind.

Adoption should be the very last resort after all other options have been tried. Ask yourself this – does an adoption HAVE to happen? Is there anything I can possibly do to help this young mother keep her child? Are there resources I can direct her to, items I can supply her with, can I offer her the support and encouragement she needs to be a good parent? If so, then pursuing adoption is not the right choice. Too many unnecessary adoptions happen as a permanent solution to a very temporary problem. Adoption, after all, is forever – while a current living situation, job situation, etc., is temporary and can be changed and improved. Most women who relinquish their children do so because they feel they have no other choice…but what if she does have another choice, and only needs the support and encouragement to make it?

Adopted people know we are a second choice, a “Plan B,” a solution to someone else’s problem. While there are some people out there who would choose adoption first, most only do so after failed attempts at pregnancy or to “complete” a family of all boys or girls or to give their current child a sibling. Adding to your family through adoption should never be about meeting some need of your own…it should always and only ever be about providing for the CHILD’S needs. Please don’t put the added pressure on an adopted child by forcing them to live up to the unspoken standard of the child you couldn’t conceive or the son or daughter you couldn’t produce. Adoption is not a cure for infertility, nor are adopted people “gifts” to be passed around in order to complete somebody else’s life. We are human beings in our own right, with our own feelings, needs, and wants. Don’t add to an already painful situation by expecting us to be something we weren’t born to be.

Please be willing to be completely open and honest with the child you may someday adopt. It doesn’t matter how horrible of a situation they came out of; tell them the truth, and tell them early. For the truth can be dealt with, it can be processed and closure can be found; but nobody can get closure from fantasies and daydreams. Adopted people are stronger than you give them credit for; believe me when I say, we imagine and prepare for every possible scenario when it comes to our families or origin. Don’t think we haven’t entertained the idea that our biological parents were the worst of the worst, or idealized them as some sort of saintly creatures, and everything in between. We have already survived the loss of our original families; don’t for one minute think we can’t survive knowing the reason why. And on that note, if an adopted person ever chooses to search, reunite, or just know more about their family of origin, don’t guilt them into not doing it or make them feel beholden to you. It has NOTHING to do with you. NOTHING. Human beings are born with an innate curiosity about who and where we come from. For some adopted people to feel whole, they need to know their own personal history and explore their roots. There’s nothing wrong with that. After all, you, as the parent, are responsible for your adopted child’s happiness and well being…not the other way around. Swallow your pride, put away your jealousy, and support your adopted child in any quest for truth they may wish to undertake. Believe me, they will thank you for it.

Don’t fall into the terminology trap. Adoptees know they have more than one set of parents…two that created them, and the parent(s) who are raising them. ALL are real to the adoptee. Don’t get caught up in who is “real” and who is more important; let your adopted child choose the terminology that suits THEM. If you have been a good and loving parent, that’s all you need. Besides, a parent can love more than one child, so why can’t a child be allowed to love more than one parent? The heart has an infinite capability to love. Don’t begrudge your adopted child the possibility of loving people he or she may not even remember.

And don’t disparage the biological parents or family either. They may be evil people, the scum of the earth…but to say anything bad about the biological family is the same as saying something bad about your adopted child. The child did come from these people, after all; and better or worse we did inherit parts of ourselves from them. The old saying applies here more than anywhere else…if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

Adopted people experience a range of issues from having been adopted…many suffer from the fear of rejection and abandonment, have problems trusting others and forming relationships. After all, our very mothers could walk away from us, so what’s to stop anyone else? Though not all adoptees experience these, many do, and to varying degrees. Just because the adopted person in your life hasn’t mentioned it, don’t think they don’t feel it. Many will never, ever talk about their negative adoption issues for those exact reasons…fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, and just the overwhelmingly negative response they expect. If the adopted person in your life (your child, a friend or other family member) ever does talk about it, take your personal feelings and judgments out of it. Resist the temptation to say things like, “But you had such wonderful [adoptive] parents!” or “but you could have been aborted/thrown in a dumpster/etc.!” Adoptees are the only subset of society who are wholly expected to be grateful for our very lives, and with this expectation comes the need to try to suppress any negative emotion or feeling. Most adoptees won’t even admit to themselves, let alone other people, that they are hurting. After all, we got this “better life,” didn’t we? We don’t have the RIGHT to feel sad/angry/depressed. So many adoptees choose to stay silent and instead live a lie.

And, yes, that goes hand-in-hand with the child-parent relationship thing…remember, the PARENT is responsible for the health and well being of the CHILD, NOT the other way around. Only in adoption are adoptees somehow expected to always be careful not to “hurt” their adoptive parents; not to rock the boat or bring up something about their adoption because their PARENTS might not like it. This is another reason so many adopted people don’t speak about adoption…we are afraid of hurting our adoptive parents. I know that as a parent myself, I would never expect my children to be responsible for my well-being…so please, don’t ever place that expectation on adopted people either. After all, their adoptive parents WANTED to adopt, they WANTED a child, and chose this path for themselves. The adoptee most often did not choose it and had no say in the matter. Don’t expect gratitude. ANYONE could have been aborted, could have been abandoned, could have been abused. These are not phenomena that are solely related to adoptees. Just because a person was adopted doesn’t automatically mean they were unwanted, that they “could have been” anything…they are just people who are being raised by a different family and are living a DIFFERENT life, not necessarily a better one.

Please, if you are considering adoption or have already, educate yourself. Read books such as the Primal Wound. Read blogs by adopted people and relinquishing parents. Go into it with an open mind and open heart. Understand that there is the very real potential that the child you someday adopt might just struggle with it. And while you can be a terrific parent, a wonderful guide and mentor, the damage has already been done. Be prepared to do the hard work of helping your child deal with any grief, anger, and other issues he/she may feel. TALK to them about it. Adoptees are notorious for keeping things bottled up…let them know it’s OK to talk with you about them. Reassure them that you will NOT be hurt, offended or damaged by their feelings. ALLOW them the freedom to feel whatever they feel.

If you are considering an open adoption or have entered into an open adoption, HONOR that. Unless there is some clear and present danger to the life of your child, KEEP THE COMMUNICATION OPEN. Don’t cease contact with the biological family because it’s an inconvenience for YOU. Understand that yes, at times it might be emotionally trying for your adopted child, your child may come away from visits or reading letters and feel depressed and angry, but don’t take that as a reason to cease contact. TALK to your child. Help them understand WHY they are feeling this way. It’s only natural that this might happen; and in the same breath, the biological mother/father/family may also feel overwhelmed at times and pull back, but do what you can to keep the lines of communication open. Remember, adoption is based on loss, and being reminded of that loss can be overwhelming. But that doesn’t mean it should be avoided. Your adopted child will thank you someday for sacrificing your own happiness and comfort to allow him/her to keep this very important connection.

Try not to make a big celebration out of your child’s adoption day (and PLEASE don’t EVER use the horribly offensive and insensitive term “Gotcha Day). The same goes for birthdays. For while it may be a happy occasion to remember, keep in mind that it also marks the day that the adopted person was permanently and forever separated from their mother, their father, their original family. Birthdays are especially hard; for most adoptees have the knowledge that our births were not cause for celebration; nobody was bringing our mothers flowers and balloons and offering congratulations; our entrance into this world was one of sadness and trepidation. And it marks the day we were physically separated from our mothers; for many of us, it was the last time we ever saw her. So if the adoptee in your life withdraws around his or her birthday or doesn’t appear to like celebrating, respect that. Understand that to many of us, it is not a cause for celebration.

I am not trying to tell anyone not to adopt. I am not saying, “shame on you” to anyone who already has adopted. What I am saying is, please step back and really think long and hard about the ramifications of adoption on the very person who is at the center of it all – the child you hope for or the child you have brought into your home. Be ready and willing to put a lot of hard work into helping this adopted child heal, to feel whole and complete in themselves. Be prepared to put your own needs and wants on the shelf and to put away your expectations, do what it takes to attend to the needs of your adopted child. All the love in the world, all the toys and gadgets and material things you might provide will never replace or erase what was lost.

Family preservation should always be the goal. Adoption should never, ever be utilized unless it is the last and only option left. Because adoption should be about finding homes for children in need; NOT finding children for people to fill a need. Jesus commanded us to help the orphan AND the widow…we as a society should do more to help families stay together instead of tearing them apart. Nobody really wants to be adopted…if given a choice, they’d rather their family situations could improve so that they wouldn’t have to be separated. Would YOU have liked it if your mother gave you away?

Sincerely,

An adult adoptee

29 thoughts on “Open Letter to APs & PAPs

  1. I just found your blog through the Found book tour & have been looking around a little. Thank you for posting this. I am about to share it far & wide on Facebook because I think it is so important that people read it. xo

    • Welcome to my little corner of the blogosphere. I know what you find here will most likely challenge every concept you have of adoption, buuuuuuuuuuuut – I hope you find something useful, too.

      And you are SO right about the letter from Lillie – it is important for people to hear and I am grateful she gave me permission to post it here on my blog as a permanent page.

  2. Thank you for sharing this. I just read the letter and the comments on the original post. As a new AP, I’m horrified by the reactions and comments of the AP’s on that post. I’m so glad I got to read this letter. I want to share it and make sure all those in our life are at least exposed to the ideas in it. It angers me already when people tell me how “lucky” she is that we adopted her. I’ve started saying “No we’re the ones that are lucky” but it’s falls so short. I fully expect her to want to know her first parents. And I’ve never understood why people think that an adopted child can’t love more than one mom or dad. I’ve had 4 men I’ve loved as Dad in my life. I’ve had 2 women other than my mom that I’ve loved as mom. It doesn’t mean that any is loved less than another, they’re all just different relationships. My personal experience involved Mom not parenting for 4 years then coming back married and of course, step parent adoption. It’s not the same as what our daughter will feel but maybe my experience with abandonment will help me empathize when she begins to understand the loss she has already suffered. I’m so glad I read this. I’m going to print it and save it for any time I start to feel insecure to remind me it’s not about me.

    • Dawnmarie – Thank you for reading the letter iAdoptee wrote and for NOT having the same kind of reaction so many APs have towards what she said. Unfortunately, you are in the minority. The majority of APs (at least when it comes to domestic infant adoptions) are much more like the Frei’s from UT – the child is a possession to which they feel entitled because their “hearts demanded” it (their words, not mine), and their God complied with their wishes.

      I hope and pray other adoptive parents will eventually see the wisdom in your evolved and enlightened view of the absolute need a child has to have connection with their natural family when possible.

  3. Thank you and all the adopted people putting themselves out there and making themselves vulnerable to those who will hurt them further by denying their experience of their own lives–or worse, outright bullying them.

    My children will be better off because of people like you who are willing to educate adoptive parents (and the world in general, for that matter) about how it feels to be adopted. It isn’t your duty, it’s a huge gift and I am grateful.

  4. Adoptive mom- I HATE the term gotcha day!! Sounds like the day the monster gotcha!
    We don’t acknowledge that day. We talk about birthmoms whenever they want. It hurts that the BM couldn’t overcome her problems and foster care and eventually adoption WAS the only way. I ache for them both. I pray one day the BM is healed and a safe person and my children can meet the women that gave them life and I can meet the women that gave me motherhood.

  5. WOW. Disclaimer, I had a mocha latte last night at about 7pm and have been up for more than 24 hours. So keep that in mind as you read this post, I may just be emotional from having been up for that long, but…

    That said, I have spent the better part of the last 12 hours reading the first half of the book “Dear Birthmother” http://www.amazon.com/Dear-Birthmother-Kathleen-Silber/dp/0931722209 and reading some posts from this site (this open letter in particular). I have to say to someone before I burst that something has changed inside of me. Spiritually, emotionally, and mentally.

    I am a PAP still going through the home study process, already though I’ve learned so much. I find myself filled with compassion, with love, and a renewed sense of God. I never knew I could be filled with so much compassion for a group of people (Birth/First/Natural mothers). It is my sincerest hope that if my husband and I are fortunate enough to have an adopted child, that the adoption itself be as open as possible. That there is as continuous as possible contact between us (My husband and I), the adopted child, and the birth family.

    It is now one of my deepest held beliefs that there is a blood-bond between parent and child, and no amount of love and security we might be able to offer a child or an adopted person can break that bond. I hope to always celebrate that bond with my parents and with the parents of my potential adopted child.

    Having been given the book “Dear Birthmother” by the agency we’ve chosen, knowing that there are still support groups offered though them, and that there is going to be a panel we’re required to attend with birth mothers and adopted parents, I feel that my husband and I have made the right choice in agency. I am going to double check exactly what kind of counselling the agency offers, but I hope never to even think about coercing a woman into giving up the child. I hope that there can be enough in place to prevent an adoption that should take place to begin with.

    After reading this open letter, I fully intend to share it with any child we would have the honor of raising. Just so that the child knows that it’s OK to feel these feelings, and that it’ll be safe to share them with us.

    I’m not sure exactly where I was going with this, but I’d like to say thank you to everyone I’ve heard be vulnerable with complete strangers.

    • Amy – Thank you for having an open heart and mind about this difficult subject. I am not sure if you have found The Lost Daughters yet, but if you haven’t, please please PLEASE take time to read that amazing blog. Here’s the URL: http://www.thelostdaughters.com/ . These are the people who have taught me so much about what it means to live an adopted life, how it feels to move, exist, and relate to the world through the eyes of an adopted person. While much of the content will most likely challenge your thinking (I know it does for me!), I also know their voices of authority are the single most important ones PAPs and women considering a voluntary relinquishment should be listening to. Not agency workers, adoption attorneys, adoption brokers, religious leaders. I urge you to read their stories carefully and ask them questions. After all, if you do end up adopting a child, they WILL grow up into an adult and what adult adoptees can teach us today can shape a better future for those who follow.

  6. Thank you for this. I have had a slew of people leave my blog whenever I speak out about the hurt adoption can cause adoptees and first parents. I am an adoptive mom and am a fierce believer in supporting first families, adoption prevention, and believe that adoption should always be a last resort and not considered “what is best for the child” because it can cause so much sadness and loss. All adoption is based on loss. You are not alone in knowing and living this. And there ARE some adoptive parents who get it. Today I lost many readers for posting about the fact that the LDS church is stepping away from facilitating adoptions and I mentioned I thought it was a good thing. Panties were knotted and bunched. Here is what I wrote:

    “More and more people are leaving this blog, presumably because they are uncomfortable that I might find a positive lining in a church stopping facilitating adoptions. I am sorry that the discussion was so hurtful or negative for people. It’s interesting, I have always been a champion of the underdog. When I hear about injustice in the world, when I learn about hurt caused, even when it is well-intentioned (like we shall for the sake of the argument assume church-facilitated-adoptions were), I tend to stand with and add my voice with the underdogs. So I write about the hard stuff in adoption, the sad stories, because those people who were hurt, (usually the adoptees or the first families) their voices are not heard enough. They aren’t known enough. Even if the majority of adoptions are “good” or “legit” that for me isn’t cause to not talk about the hard stuff. We don’t hold this attitude about measles do we?

    10 or 20 cases, of a few people with fever, none of whom were seriously injured gets outrage, headlines “OUTBREAK, MEASLES HIGHEST IN CENTURIES WE MUST JAIL THE ANTI VAXXERS!” Out of millions of people, some got measles and the CDC doesn’t even bother to specify if it was wild measles vs measles caused by the vaccine itself, and that small number causes us to step back, take stock and ask hard questions. And rightly so. So what if out of a few hundred thousand adoptions 10 or 20 were from mothers who were coerced, or fathers who wanted to parent and had their rights taken away? What if those hard, sad adoption stories were as important to us as 10 or 20 measles cases?

    If you don’t like that analogy here is another. One person once asked “so if adoptions are mostly good, and there were a few bad ones, a few unethical ones, why shut the whole thing down, it’s not fair to the kids who need it.”

    My friend Grace said (I am paraphrasing) “Because if a child is kidnapped in a Target, we hope the police come and shut the whole store down, the parking lot, the whole block and the whole town if necessary to find the child. You batten down the hatches, and it sucks for all the families stuck in there who have lives and kids who are safe right there, why can’t they just go on with life, they are fine. It was only one kid kidnapped, not every child in the store. Not even half the children in the store. Just one was hurt. But you shut the store down, call in the troops. Because one bad case should make us care.”

    When it comes to first parents and adoptees, I believe one story is worth examining. One hurt mother is too many and it is worth talking about. It may not be your kid, or your birth mother who was hurt by adoption. fine. But why can we not feel compassion and work to stop unethical, coerced adoptions on behalf of the few? Why not listen to them and see what can be done to stop that from happening again? Why does it feel threatening to us to admit, “I adopted from an organization that facilitated some unethical adoptions. I don’t believe mine was, but for those who felt it was off, or hurtful, or wrong, I believe you. I am sorry for you hurt.”

  7. Thank you so much for sharing this letter. It has been a blessing to me as the grandmother of a domestically adopted 3-year-old, and as an aunt to two (domestically) adopted young adults (early 20’s). My eyes have really been opened as I’ve read adult adoptee and first mother blogs, and my perception of domestic infant adoption of children born to unwed mothers has changed 180 degrees.

    It appears that the original letter is open to invited readers only. How does one become an “invited reader”?

    • It looks like she has closed her blog to readers. Sadly, many of the best and brightest adult adoptee bloggers have had to close their blogs because of harassment and attacks from adoptive parents or adoptees who don’t agree with their views. The author of that blog is one of the most incredible women I have ever had the opportunity to know. I am sad she has had to shut the blog to uninvited readers – she had so much wisdom to share with the world.

      If you haven’t had a chance, you should check out the blog The Lost Daughters http://www.thelostdaughters.com/ . The women who blog there are INCREDIBLE and will teach you a great deal about what it feels like to navigate the entire spectrum of life as a woman who was adopted.

      Thank you for being willing to learn and to listen to the voice of those who’s lived experiences can teach us the most about adoption. I believe it is people just like yourself who are going to *finally* move this conversation into action and bring about much needed awareness and reform to the adoption community.

      Keep reading and keep an open heart and open mind – there is much to learn.

      Blessing –

      M.

      • Thank you, Melynda, for taking the time to answer my comment. I am a regular reader of Lost Daughters, and everything else I can find from the perspective of first mothers and adult adoptees.

        You are right about people (probably especially AP’s??) resistance to anything other than what they’ve been taught by the people who profit most from infant adoption.

        I have (cautiously) mentioned some of what I’ve learned to my sibling who is the parent of my adopted nephews; it wasn’t very well received. (I am probably in “deep trouble” if that parent, or any other member of my family, ever reads what I’ve posted here.)

        Is there any way I could become an “invited reader” to that lady’s blog? I am willing to give her my full name, address, phone number, and whatever else she needs to “verify” myself, and I promise I will not harass her. How else can I learn if I can’t read honest experiences from those who have been through this on a very personal level, especially those who had the least (as in “zero”) input into the adoption decision?

        I would actually love to be able to post some of my questions in a “limited audience” situation like an “invited reader only” blog. I hesitate to say too much in a public forum like this (although the likelihood of my family finding my comments here is probably relatively low), as I don’t want to alienate family who are not ready to hear my questions, if that makes any sense.

        Again, thank you for taking the time from your busy life to respond to my post.

        Kathy

  8. I guess I’m opening myself up to potential trouble by having a link to this particular post of yours right at the top of my blog sidebar. Oh, well. People still need to read your post! If they don’t like my comments / questions, I guess that’s life!

    • In my sibling’s defense, I’ll have to say that said sibling is basically very open to seeing the “different” side of things. I’ll also have to say that it has not been very long since I was on the same side of the fence myself — only about 2 months, to be exact. I wish I could delete (or at least edit) that post, but I can’t; the best I can do is offer a “disclaimer.”

      I actually found your blog because of a comment left on my blog (http://thoughtsondailyliving.blogspot.com/2014/06/having-two-adopted-nephews-and-adopted.html#comment-form) by Scott LaVergne (https://plus.google.com/114848263360648204834/posts). I will have to confess, my initial reaction and response to his comment was not a very sympathetic one.

      A month later, after a lot more reading, I reread his post, and posted my changed and (hopefully) more sympathetic perspective, I had looked at his Google+ page to learn more about him before posting my first answer, then again after posting my second answer, hoping to find some way to let him know I’d re-answered his comment. (I couldn’t find any way to contact him since I don’t have a Google+ account.) I found the link to your blog. Melynda, front-and-center on his page, and hopped over here to see what I could learn.

      I have been in the position of having a long-standing belief (in my case, in the field of education) majorly challenged. It is hard!!!

      Bottom line — please, if you read this and know me in real life, and know the sibling I referred to in my earlier post, do NOT for even a second think my comment in that post was meant to throw stones at, or in any way criticize, my AP sibling for not jumping up and down with joy over my challenging a long-held belief. (Neither is this paragraph in any way intended to criticize your post or blog, Melynda.) It’s frequently easier to “see” something when you have no personal, intimate, involvement in given situation. I do not know how I would react to this if I were an AP with as much invested in my child as my sibling has. I hope I would be open-minded, but I certainly can’t “guarantee” that I would be.

      I appreciate your posts, Melynda. I appreciate you sharing this post, and the “Giving Up Your Baby?” post. I really want to learn all I can about all three sides of the adoption triad — especially the perspective of the two sides I know very little about. I do believe there are a lot of misunderstandings and misconceptions floating around in adoption land; education and open communication are the only ways to even come close to any kind of mutual understanding.

      I’m sorry if this sounds like a bunch of rambling, or if it sounds like I’m talking out of both sides of my mouth. It is not intended to be. I guess I’m floundering to know how to relate to opposing sides of this issue without raising hackles to the point where I do more harm than good. I’m also wrestling with the best way to relate myself to the adoptive parents and children in my life (and the respective first / birth mothers, if I ever meet them) in a way that fosters mutual understanding and healing to all involved parties.

      • No, not rambling or talking out of both sides of your mouth. This adoption stuff – it’s hard. So very, very, very hard. I just appreciate you are willing to listen to those of us who have been marginalized and disenfranchised for so long.

        Blessings –

        M.

  9. The LDS advises those unable to have children to adopt. What would you advise them to do? What would you pray they do when the LDS clearly has an issue with those who lack children and their value to the community?

    • I DID NOT WRITE THIS OPEN LETTER. Why not take your beef up with the original author?

      And what should infertile LDS people do? Trust God and deal with the hand that He gave them instead of plucking the fatherless from their mother’s breast (see Job 24:9), coveting their neighbor’s stuff (in this case children) and then bearing false witness by accepting a falsified birth certificate. If Mormons TRULY believed their own theology, infertile couples would trust God and God’s timing. After all, they are promised that whatever blessings they don’t get in this life, they will have in the next if they are righteous enough.

  10. Pingback: This. All of it. | The Journey Back To My Roots

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