The Doctrine of Transferability & LDS Adoption Policy

The Doctrine of Transferability states:

“When a man and a woman are married in the temple for time and all eternity and then separate, the children will go with the parent who is justified and who has kept the covenants. If neither of them has kept his covenants, the children may be taken away from both of them and given to somebody else and that would be by virtue of being born under the covenant. A child is not to be sealed the second time when born under the covenant, but by virtue of that birthright can be transferred. (Questions Frequently Asked About the Temple and the Endowment. Salt Lake City: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 1981, 10).

Let me see if I have this straight: In a Mormon afterlife, children can be taken away from less righteous parents and given to more righteous ones by virtue of the sealing ordinance. Children can thereby be transferred from one family to another, never taking into consideration what the child may want. It’s all about the more righteous parents being “justified.”

Sounds an awful lot like LDS adoption policy to me.

Should anyone be wondering why LDS first mothers are such a hot mess most of the time, this is a perfect example of why. This is what we were taught from the time we were small enough to sit on our mother’s laps. That if we aren’t perfect, we deserve to loose our children. Not only do we deserve it, but we should expect it, too.

LDS first mothers have been taught since our youngest days that if any parent isn’t righteous enough, he or she will have their children taken from them in the next life and transferred to someone else, some more “qualified” and “worthy” couple. The pattern has already been set in our doctrine – we are mere players on a stage at this point. Parents that are “unrighteous” in this life lose their children and the more righteous (and infertile) ones feel perfectly justified in facilitating the transfer of those children into their family. After all, it is a pattern God has set forth for the eternities. Why not help Him along right now?

Love is Banishment

What goes by the name of love is banishment,
with now and then a postcard from the homeland.
– Samuel Beckett, First Love

I came across this Beckett quote in my reading earlier this week. I immediately thought of all my friends who are adult adoptees, the ones who have taught me what is feels like to live a life different than the one they were born into, a life manufactured by social workers, bishops, adoption brokers, grandparents, and most painful of all, their own mothers – regardless of how well intentioned she was or how much her choice was motivated by love. These adult adoptees are the ones who, with patience and honesty, have taught me the deep pain of growing up banished to a strange and foreign land, even if they came to love their adopted homeland and its inhabitants with a profound love.

Beckett’s words sting this mother’s heart. They re-open wounds I have come to accept will never fully heal.

It is true, I banished my daughter from her homeland in the name of love. I fell prey to the LDS church’s carefully crafted and well-planned “Adoption: It’s About Love” campaign. You know, the one created by Steve Sunday (currently on the Board of Directors for the National Council For Adoption) in partnership with Bonneville International and their copyrighted “HeartSell”® advertising techniques.

Trusting, believing, and naive, I was led like a lamb to the slaughter with my daughter in my arms. And then, in the name of love, I sacrificed my own mother-heart when I placed my firstborn child on the altar of adoption, LDS-style.  Twenty-two years later, I am still asking where was our ram in the thicket? Where was our delivering angel? Why weren’t we worth saving?

To some, it doesn’t matter my motivation or what extreme social and psychological pressures I was under at the time to “do the right thing.”  To some, all that matters is I had “free agency” to make my own choices, to which I ask, “Did I *really* have “free agency,” considering what I had been taught growing up and the social and religious coercion that was in play at that moment in time? Did I really have “free agency” when HeartSell techniques were being used to influence my thoughts and actions? Can “free agency” even exist in such a religiously manipulative and coercive environment? Can “free agency” *really* even exist within the patriarchal power differential that exists between a LDS bishop (who happens to also be a social worker well-versed in the NCFA “good mother/birth mother” rhetoric) and a young unwed 20-year old mother?”

But none of that seems to matter to some. The fact (the truth) remains: Regardless of my motivation or the reasons, I banished my daughter to the land of the adopted ones. Consequently, I am a persona non gratis into the eternities, at least according to LDS church doctrine.  My heart tells me differently, common sense tells me differently, but the religion of my youth tells me she is lost to my family for the eternities, because of a “loving” God and the sealing ordinance.

Love is banishment, with now and then a postcard from the homeland.




“But The Proclamation says. . . .”

Recently over on Facebook, one of my friends (whom I will call Jennifer) posted a link to a blog written by an adoptee. Jennifer then invited her friends to read it and truly listen to what this particular adoptee says about their experience of being an adopted person.  Subsequent to Jennifer’s impassioned plea for more listening to and less telling adoptees how to feel about adoption, one of her friends (whom I will call Maria) countered with the LDS-knee jerk response of, “But the Proclamation* says children are better off with a mother and a father!”

Here’s what I wrote in response to Maria:

I agree that a mother and a father who are sealed to each other and neither partner has ever cheated on the other *IS* the ideal situation in which to raise a child. The Family: A Proclamation to the World clearly states: “Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.” However, we live in a fallen world where sometimes, we don’t get the “ideal” or even that to which we are entitled (to use the language from The Family: A Proclamation to the World). Sometimes, a parent dies. Sometimes parents get divorced. Sometimes parents who are sealed in the temple and married fail to live up to other covenants.

Do you have any of those situations among your own family and friends? Do you have any siblings, cousins, parents, uncles or aunts, or friends who passed away or got divorced, leaving behind the other parent to raise children as a single parent? Have their been any cases of infidelity in your family? (You don’t have to really answer those questions in this public space, I am just asking you to relate this to your own life).

If we, who claim to be God’s people, are to fully implement The Family: A Proclamation to the World with absolute exactness, then the LDS church should urge *every* parent who is single for whatever reason (death, divorce, etc. – not just single expectant parents), parents who are not sealed to their spouse (part member families), or a parent who has cheated or been cheated on by their spouse “do the right thing” and place their child(ren) for adoption in a home that has a mother and a father who are sealed in the temple and and have never participated in infidelity of any kind. After all, it clearly states children are “entitled” to this kind of home.

However, both you and I both recognize this to be a laughable suggestion, that EVERY parent who is single, not sealed to their spouse, or has been cheated on should relinquish their child(ren) for adoption to a sealed-in the temple couple. The push (social coercion) for single expectant parents to live to a different standard than all of the rest of the LDS membership is indicative of the black and white thinking our culture tends to engender. “There’s a right and a wrong to every question” sounds great in a hymn, but real life is a bit messier. There tends to be grey areas in which we have to use common sense, compassion, and our judgement.

Socially engineering a substitute “ideal” through the removal of a child from their biological kindred is NOT ****always**** the answer. Indeed, even the LDS church recognizes this. One of their primary arguments against same-sex marriage is, (as they state in their recent amici curiae), “Both social science and our own experience have taught that children thrive best when cared for by both of their biological parents.” This position is rather ironic considering the LDS church’s stance on urging single expectant parents give their infant non-biological people to raise.

I love this church with all my heart, but this is one of those areas where efforts to socially engineer a substitute “ideal” comes in conflict with some of our fundamental beliefs about the centrality of family and the importance of family preservation through genealogy and temple work.

I don’t know how this Gordian knot will be unraveled, what I *do* know is it is duplicitous of us, as the Lord’s people, to say “Biological family matters!!!! They matter so much we spend MILLIONS of dollars a year helping people seek out their biological kindred dead. Family matters, except in the case of those girls who get themselves pregnant, then biological families don’t matter to her, the father, OR their baby and she should give their baby to a couple who is sealed in the temple because, after all, that child is ‘entitled’ to parents who are sealed in the temple and don’t cheat on each other.”

Family matters. Mothers and fathers matter. Children matter. None are interchangeable, even when a parent is single (for whatever) or not sealed to their spouse.

I am Philomena

Adam Pertman, adoptive father, author of books such as ‘Adoption Nation’ and ‘Adoption by Lesbians and Gay Men,’ researcher, and president of the Even B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, recently wrote an article for HuffPo about the movie, “Philomena.”  It can be found here: Big Lessons That Transcend the Movie: There Are Philomenas All Around Us

I felt a profound sense of relief when he acknowledged my own reality:

“…the reality is that during the mid-20th century and beyond, severe religious, social and familial stigmas against unwed motherhood were the norm far beyond Ireland. As a consequence, it’s almost certainly true that there are more Philomenas in the United States than in any other country — i.e., women who, given a choice, would have parented their children rather than suffering the anguish of losing them” (Emphasis added.)

He is right. And I am one of them.

Me in 1992, seven months pregnant with my daughter.

I am Philomena.

I am a mother, who without the extreme social, religious, and familial pressures of the LDS church and culture, would have raised my daughter and done a damn fine job of it, too. However, my reality is that unlike most other mothers of loss to adoption, it took eight months and 27 days from my daughter’s birth until I was overwhelmed by the unforgiving social and religious stigmas against unwed mothers in the LDS church.

Like a tide that only flowed in one direction, it seemed a foregone conclusion from the moment I found out I was pregnant that it wasn’t if I would relinquish my oldest daughter, my beloved “Boo Bear,” for adoption, but when. That try as I might, it was God’s will for her to be raised by someone other than me and I should just stop fighting the inevitable outcome and ride the rolling swells out to sea.

My reality is I was peppered with questions and comments reinforcing this idea. When are you finally going to do the ‘right’ thing and place her for adoption?  When are you going to stop thinking of yourself and what you want? Why are you choosing to fly in the face of the prophet’s counsel by raising her on your own? Why are you putting your wants ahead of her need for the sealing ordinance? What are you trying to prove by raising her on your own – don’t you see she deserves a family who loves her? Why are you depriving her of a saving ordinance? If you really loved your daughter, you would let her be adopted by a married couple so she could have the saving ordinance performed. You know Melynda, the likelihood you will ever get married if you keep her is extremely low. Temple worthy men don’t date girls with babies. Doesn’t your daughter deserve so much more than to just be raised by you? If you truly love your daughter, you would place her for adoption with parents that can offer her more.

My reality is my bishop at the time said things to me like, “You know Melynda, it’s never too late to do the ‘right’ thing. I happen to know a wonderful couple looking to add to their family…”

My reality is the more I fought to keep my precious child with me, the more I was told I was being selfish, even cruel. Yes, a person I respected and trusted told me it was CRUEL and un-Godly to “selfishly” raise my daughter as a single mother. I was also told it was abusive to keep her. Not that *I* was abusive, but the mere act of raising a child as a single parent was inherently abusive.

My reality is I didn’t see those comments for their absurdity – I took them as indictments against my personal character and my ability to mother my cherished daughter. Those kinds of comments and questions created a chasm of self-doubt in me, a crippling worry I was going to “ruin” my daughter if I didn’t place her for adoption. Those kinds of comments fostered the thinking that by keeping her, I was damning her to a life of misery and “selfishly impeding her eternal progression.”

My reality is after eight months and 27 days of being a single mother, my faith in my ability to raise my daughter collapsed under this kind of extreme shame-based cultural coercion.  My sense of worth to anyone, God included and certainly my children, was pulverized and crushed to a fine powder during those months. It has yet to fully recover. I’m not sure it will ever make a full recovery in this lifetime.

“First and foremost, shaming or coercing parents into parting with their children…inflicts profound and lasting psychic wounds.”

Mr. Pertman doesn’t make such an assertion lightly – years of research back up his statement. Shame and coercion in adoption inflict “profound and lasting” wounds on birth mothers.  Research wasn’t wrong about that, at least not in my case.

As difficult as Mr. Pertman’s summary of research findings is to read, it is comforting to know a *man*  – an adoptive father, at that! – can understand what many others fail to grasp about losing a child to adoption. One should note I do not sit around nursing these “profound and lasting” wounds 24/7, regardless of what some readers of this blog think (and express in their emails to me). Just as many other Philomena’s have done across the years, I have carved out a great life for myself in the midst of this loss. I have learned to live well in spite of this ambiguous loss and unresolvable grief. I have come to terms that these “profound and lasting psychic wounds” are in my life to stay for some time – perhaps permanently – but they needn’t dictate my relationships with my children or others. Yes, the wounds are still there 20+ years on, but now they are mostly like old curmudgeons reminding me to listen more closely, love more readily, and treat myself and others with greater compassion.

There are other important things Mr. Pertman has to say about the lessons Philomena can teach a broader audience, so please take the time to read his article. There are broader lessons to be learned, if only people will listen and are willing to be taught.

“Choice” and The Proverbial Loaded Gun

Dear Ms. Feverfew –

As many natural mothers can attest, one of the common arguments used against us in our effort to process and heal from adoption loss is, “No one held a gun to your head and made you sign the papers. You did that all by yourself.” This line is usually delivered dripping in disdain and with a sneer curling up around the corners of the mouth of the person speaking it.

As many natural mothers can also attest, they are technically correct. For most of us, no one was standing beside us in the judge’s chambers or in the hospital or wherever it is we signed the paperwork. We were all alone. There wasn’t someone with a .45 cocked and pointed at our temple.

Or was there?

I came across this quote over Christmas and have been ruminating about it ever since.

“An overwhelming preponderance of evidence on either side would make our choice as meaningless as would a loaded gun pointed at our heads.” ~ Terryl Givens, 2012 (The God Who Weeps: How Mormonism Makes Sense of Life, p. 7)

An overwhelming preponderance of evidence. A loaded gun. A choice rendered meaningless (but with lasting consequences, I might add), as if a gun was pointed at my head.

Sound familiar? This is EXACTLY what Latter-Day Saints Family Services (AKA LDSFS), the NCFA, Bethany, and all of those other adoption “advocates” do when presenting the adoption “option.” They present a preponderance of evidence of why adoption is such a “gift,” why “it’s all about love,” yet they rarely discuss – and certainly not with any great form or substance – the potential for horrific side effects to a mother’s and her relinquished child’s psyche.

Do they ever give the expectant mother the research articles about how adoption will affect her? Her child? Her future children? Her future relationships? Her ability to trust others? Her ability to trust herself? Do they ever give her statistics about neonates and how they respond to their mother’s voice, scent, movement? How they recognize and prefer their mother’s breast milk and body odor? How their heart rate and blood pressure normalizes when they hear their natural mother’s voice? How their brain lights up to the sound of her talking to them? (This research is out there, BTW. It has been for decades and simply because adoption agencies or social workers don’t acknowledge it or talk about it doesn’t render the studies invalid.)

It is true, some agencies do give a head nod to negative outcomes in the form of offering FREE LIFETIME COUNSELING for relinquishing mothers, but it is highly unusual for a social worker to go into any great detail why that mother might actually need counseling services until she is old and wrinkled. Frankly, many expectant mothers who are in a position to be considering adoption are not in the frame of mind to ask the question, “Why would this agency be offering me FREE LIFETIME COUNSELING if I give my baby away to someone they’ve have decided is more qualified than me?” Most expectant mothers considering adoption never consider the reality that agencies offer FREE LIFETIME COUNSELING to relinquishing mothers because agencies and the people who work in them know the mother will need counseling for the rest of her life.

Let me repeat that again, just to make sure I am clear: adoption agencies and the social workers in their employ, such as the ones at LDSFS, know, and have known for decades, adoption will damage a mother so badly she will need to utilize mental health services for the rest of her life. They know, and have known for decades, she will not get over her lost child. They know, and have known for decades, she will not move on, at least not in the clean and sanitized way they would like her too and tell her she must – within a year. They know these things yet they do not tell her this explicitly. They simply tell her “if she needs them” the services are there. In doing so, agencies do not provide balanced, truthful information to the expectant mother about the long-term outcome of adoption.

Agencies such as LDSFS and organizations like NCFA present information and have single expectant mothers engage in exercises that research has shown will be most likely to convince a woman to give her baby to strangers. They shove information at her on a weekly basis to remind her of what she lacks, of her deficits and shortcomings as a human being and a mother. If this doesn’t work, they call her on the phone and they keep in constant contact with her via text or email. They encourage her to meet the people who will be de-mothering her, to build a relationship with them so she will feel guilty if she backs out because she doesn’t want to hurt this perfect, qualified couple who so desperately wants her baby. The information and tactics used by LDSFS and NCFA supports their best interests, financial, sociological, or otherwise (i.e., securing a commodity to be traded to the “qualified” couple willing to pony up the money at the appropriate time).

In total, the practices and actions of LDSFS, the social workers in its employ, church leaders, and the LDS adoption culture leads to the preponderance of evidence Givens spoke of in his book. If he is correct in saying that presenting an overwhelming preponderance of evidence on only one side is no different than holding a loaded gun to a person’s head when they are trying to make a choice, then I guess I did have a loaded gun pointed at my head.

Like I have said before when quoting Woodie Gurthrie, “Some people rob you with a six-gun, some with a fountain pen.” It just so happened to be the fountain pen was in the hands of church leaders and my culture at large.

Take care –


These are Temporary States

Dear Ms. Feverfew –

More ruminations about last week’s General Conference talks. In the Saturday morning session, President Boyd K. Packer, president of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said something that probably slipped past most people, but not me. Here is one of the things he said:

“Some…are raising children as single mothers or
single fathers. These are temporary states. In the eternal scheme of things—not always in mortality—righteous yearning and longing will be fulfilled.” (Boyd K. Packer, 2012. And a Little Child Shall Lead Them).

I wonder how many of the “happy” LDS birth mothers – you know, the ones who are seemingly thrilled to have been given the “honor” and “privilege” to give their babies away to other women, so much so they are out there actively advocating and recruiting other mothers into this sorry sisterhood – how many of them heard what an Apostle of the Lord told them last Saturday, that being a single parent is a temporary state. He confirmed what many of us already know: Adoption is a permanent solution for the temporary state of single parent status. I wonder how many of those same “happy” LDS birth mothers heard what Elder Baxter told the single parents of the 13+ million member church a few hours later when he said:

“With God’s help, you need not fear for the future. Your children will grow up and call you blessed, and every single one of their many achievements will stand as a tribute to you. Please never feel that you are in some kind of second-tier subcategory of Church membership, somehow less entitled to the Lord’s blessings than others. In the kingdom of God there are no second-class citizens.” (David Baxter, 2012. Faith,
Fortitude, and Fulfillment: A Message to Single Parents

“Although you often feel alone, in truth you are never
totally on your own. As you move forward in patience and in faith, Providence will move with you; heaven will bestow its needful blessings.”

I wonder if these merciful and compassionate words of an Apostle and an Elder in the church made any of them wonder how different their life would have been if they had been met by LDSFS counselors and church members who held the same views? Did it prick their conscience even a bit? Or did they continue on their merry way, continuing to believe it was “God’s plan” to use their uterus and their body to get a baby to the “right” family, believing they would never be able to offer an eternal family status to their child, even when an Apostle declares it a temporary state? I wonder, will they continue to advocate and recruit other mothers as intensely as they do, knowing mercy is over taking justice within the LDS church? I wonder, would they have made the same “choice” if, instead of spouting NCFA-sanctioned rhetoric, their LDSFS case worker, bishop, and parents offered the same hope held out by Elder Baxter? Can you imagine a bishop or LDSFS case worker reminding a single expectant mother her marital status was a temporary state (Packer, 2012) and in the eternal scheme of things, she can offer the idealized “more” – you know, an eternal family, a stable, happy home, and parents who are utterly devoted to each other AND that their children would call them “blessed” for it (Baxter, 2012)? What if she had been told she “need not fear for their future, and as they move forward with faith in raising their child, ‘providence will bestow its needful blessings’ ” (Baxter, 2012)?

I know this conference will have little affect on LDSFS adoption practices and probably even less impact on those “happy” birth mothers who try to recruit others to relinquish their child for adoption. Infant and newborn adoption is about now, now, now, now,
. It is about solving the “crisis” in front of us now. It is not about being patient, trusting God’s plan and timing for us, and looking forward to the eternities with hope for our family, even if that family was create because of a wrong turn before marriage (Baxter, 2012). Just a few more thoughts about General Conference.


Scotland the Brave

Dear Ms. Feverfew –

Today is the 182nd Annual General Conference for the LDS church. You already know that, but I suspect you probably weren’t listening to any of the talks today. Don’t worry – it’s OK. I believe in a God that is so large and loving that he won’t condemn you if you miss conference. Even if you miss it for the next couple of years, He will still love you and adore you and think you are one of His most spectacular creations. Trust me, I know this first hand.

Anyhoooo, one of the speakers, Elder David S. Baxter – a member of the Seventy from Scotland, gave a brave and fearless talk in the afternoon session directed specifically towards single parents in the church (here’s a link to watch it – he speaks at about the 1:00 mark: Now I know some sticklers will say, “Well, he wasn’t an apostle so his talk doesn’t count nearly as much” but…but what he has to say is still very important and worth listening to. Or reading. I have transcribed the entire talk and have include parts of it here (obviously, the emphasis is mine…). Elder Baxter starts out by saying,

“My message is for the single parents in the church, the majority of whom are single mothers, you valiant women, who through the varying circumstances of life, find yourself raising children and running a home on your own. Perhaps you have been widowed or divorced, you may be coping with the challenges of single parenthood as a result of taking a wrong turn outside of marriage, but now living within the framework of the gospel, having turned your life around.

(Just had to insert a note: This is the first time in any church meeting I recall hearing single mothers who are single because they got pregnant outside of marriage included so specifically in the counsel to single parents. Usually they “qualify” single parents as those who are single because of divorce or death. The rest of the single moms are treated like…well, one only need read these letters to discover how they are usually treated).

Bless you for avoiding the type of companionship that would come at the expense of virtue and discipleship; that would be far to high a price to pay.

Although you may have at times asked, “Why me?”, it is through the hardships of life that we grow towards Godhood as our character is shaped in the crucible of affliction, as the events of life take place while God respects the agency of man.

Whatever the circumstances or the reasons for them, how wonderful you are.

(There is is again – whatever the circumstances or the reasons for them. Death, divorce, or a mistake outside of marriage. Kind of reminds me of what Elder Cook said when he was quoting President Hinckely about single parents who are single for whatever reason…)

Day to day, you face the struggles of life doing the work that was always meant for two, but doing it largely alone. You have to be father as well as mother.

You nurture your children. You cry with them and for them. You want the very best for them but fret every night that your best may never be good enough.

He then tells of his own mother who raised him for most of his childhood and teenaged years as a single mother. They were poor and she struggled with loneliness.

…yet despite all of this, there was a dignity about my mother, a tremendous sort of determination, and sheer Scottish grit.

There are many of you good women across the church in the world who face similar circumstances and who demonstrate the same resilience year after year.  This is not exactly what you hoped or planned, prayed for or expected when you started out years ago. Life has had bumps , detours, twists, and turns, mostly as the result of life in a fallen world that is meant to be a place of proving and testing.  Meanwhile, you are striving to raise your children in righteousness and truth, knowing that while you cannot change the past you can shape the future.

Along the way, you will obtain compensatory blessings, even if they are not immediately apparent. With God’s help, you need not fear for the future.  Your children will grow up and call you blessed and every single one of their many achievements will stand as a tribute to you.

Please never feel that you are in some kind of second tier subcategory of church membership, somehow less entitled to the Lord’s blessings than others.  In the kingdom of God, there are no second class citizens.

Thank you sisters, for doing all that you can to raise your family and maintain a loving home where there is goodness, peace, and opportunity. Although you often feel alone, in truth you are never totally on your own. As you move forward in patience and faith, providence will move with you, heaven will bestow its needful blessings

Through your righteous living, you and your children may enjoy the blessings of  being part of a complete eternal family. Member and leaders, is there more that you could do to support single parent families? Without passing judgment or casting dispersions,  might you mentor young people in these families?….In the absence of fathers, are you providing role models worthy of emulation?

Single parents, I testify that as you do your very best in the most difficult of human challenges, heaven will smile upon you. Truly, you are not alone. Let the redemptive, loving power of Jesus Christ brighten your life now and fill you with the hope of eternal promise. Take courage, have faith and hope. Consider the present with fortitude and look to the future with confidence.

Now stop and think for one moment how different our lives would be if we had been met with this kind of compassion, this kind of understanding, and this kind of counsel when I first went to LDSFS. Think of how different our lives would be if this was the counsel Bishop F. had given me in February/March of 1993 instead of the standard NCFA-party line about “good mother = birth mother” and that I was being selfish for parenting you.

Actually, I can’t think about it too long because then I just dissolve into a puddle of tears. I know I can’t change what happened to us, I can never get you back as my daughter. But I can spread Elder Baxter’s message of hope to all that have ears to hear and hearts to understand. And perhaps some other family will have a different outcome than you and I. Perhaps some other single expectant mother who was listening to conference today heard the words of Elder Baxter and heard they are a valid family in the eyes of the Lord, that they needn’t give their precious child away to qualify for the blessings of the Gospel in their family life.

Much love,


Dear Person Who Found this Blog by Searching for “Can I Force My Minor Daughter to Give Up Her Baby for Adoption in Utah?”

Dear Person Who Found this Blog by Searching for “Can I Force My Minor Daughter to Give Up Her Baby for Adoption in Utah?” –

Are. You. Serious??????

I am going to try really hard to be as gentle as possible but I must admit, I am shocked a parent would search for an answer to that question on the Internet.  I would think a little prayer, a little fasting, a bit of long suffering and patience would give you better results than typing such a question into a search engine. (BTW, the answer would be NO, you can’t force her to do it, nor SHOULD you force her – at least according to the God I worship and the scriptures I read. Consult D&C 121:41 if you need a reminder).

I can only imagine you are an LDS mother, extremely concerned with avoiding the appearance of evil (something we Mormons are so keen on doing – it’s all about appearing perfect, isn’t it?), maintaining the status quo, and fitting in with the other ladies at Relief Society. You probably don’t know any other women whose daughters have faced a crisis pregnancy and you are just doing what you think you should be doing, what the culture there in Utah tells you that you should be doing.

I implore you to carefully read this blog in its entirety to see what she has in store for her, should she relinquish her child. To carefully read “Thinking of Placing Your Baby for Adoption? Think very hard” found over at [Birth Mother]First Mother Forum. Then go over to Cassi’s blog, Adoption Truth and read everything she has written there, then read every blog she had linked to on the side bar. Then go read every single post at Lost Daughters and every single blog that is linked to it to discover what your grandchild’s future will look like. Read “Lost and Found: The Adoption Experience” and “Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness”, both by Betty Jean Lifton. Read “The Primal Wound” by Nancy Verrier, “The Baby Thief: The Untold Story of Georgia Tann, the Baby Seller Who Corrupted Adoption” by Barbara Bisantz Raymond, and “The Stork Market: America’s Multi-Billion Dollar Unregulated Industry” by Mirah Ruben. And after that, read every single memoir you can read written by a natural mother and an adoptee. There are so many good ones out there, take your pick, just start reading. Yes, it might take some time but you have a few months, right?

And then when you are done with all that reading, ask yourself, “Am I the kind of mother that would want to force this life on my daughter and my unborn grandchild? Or is there something I can do to help my daughter become the mother God has ordained her to be when He sent her this baby at this point in her life? What can I do to help her feel supported, loved, and capable? What can I do to preserve our family?”

If you can come to a knowledge of the true toll adoption extracts from natural mothers and adoptees and still ask, “Can I force my minor daughter to give up her baby my grandchild for adoption?” then you and I are simply cut from different cloth. Simply put, we worship different Gods, even if we belong to the same church. If you still want to force your daughter to give your grandchild away, then we are not of the same religion. My God teaches me that pure religion is this: to visit the fatherless and widows in their need. Not to remove the fatherless from their mothers under the guise of the “loving option of adoption.”

In the meantime, I will pray for you that your heart will be softened and that you will allow mercy and grace to have a place at your family dinner table. More importantly, I will pray for your daughter and your unborn grandchild that they will find someone who will love them and support them, regardless of how they ended up in the situation they are in (a la Quinten L.. Cook and President Hinckley’s counsel at two different conference sessions).



P.S. Be sure to read Job 24 about what happens to people who pluck the fatherless from the breast. Something about corn being cut down and stuff like that.


And yes, I am yelling.

I won’t bore you with the details about how I found this picture this after noon but….I am hoping someone can answer me some questions. Now take a good look at it.

Now let me add a few more details.

  1. The woman is 33 years old.
  2. She is an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
  3. She is not married (see, no ring on her left hand? Plus, I have first hand knowledge she is not married, has never been married, and has no prospect of getting married. If you want to know how I know, drop me an email and I will fill you in on the details.)
  4. The infant she is holding was procured through a hasty adoption after the Haitian earthquake.
  5. She is white and clearly does not know how to do her own hair, much less African American hair (which as a former beautician/cosmetologist I can assure you is an art unto itself and NOT something a white-bread chic from small-town Utah can pick up in an instant. How do I know? She tells us all about it on her blog and posts pictures of this sweet boy crying his eyes out while she does a hack job on him).

Now before you get all upset that I have posted a picture of a minor child who is not my minor child on my blog, let me assure you this is from her very open, very public blog. In fact, this was the publicity photo used in the Daily Herald press release about the Haitian toddler finally coming “home.” The blog also houses entries such as a FULL ON PICTURE of his green card with a caption along the lines of “Well, it is REALLY mine since I did all the work. He just stood there and looked cute.”

Now answer me these few questions:

  1. Why is just fine and dandy for HER to be a single mother in the LDS church but it wasn’t for me?
  2. Do you think for ONE MOMENT her Bishop, her parents, or her ward members EVER pulled her aside and told her she was being selfish for wanting to parent? That she needed to give her son to a man and a woman who were sealed in the temple?
  3. And what of the blessings of the sealing ordinance? Isn’t her son just as “bereft” of them as my daughter was? Isn’t he just as entitled to being raised by a husband AND a wife who were sealed in the temple (for at least two years, according to LDSFS)?

Let me repeat my first question: Why is just fine and dandy for HER to be a single mother in the LDS church and culture (she lives in Utah Valley) but it wasn’t for me? Is it because she bought her baby from a Haitian orphanage instead of (gasp) getting pregnant?


What is Missing

Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints are frequently accused of trying to earn our way in to heaven through our good works and righteous behavior, as opposed to the saving grace of Jesus Christ.

I can see how many believe that; even some within our own church preach we have to earn our way into heaven. After all, we teach a person can’t be saved by grace alone, right? It has been hammered into the devout Mormon’s head throughout years of Primary, Young Women’s, and Relief Society. Grace has become a four letter word in the Mormon culture* because it is our good works that save us! Good works, good works, and more good works are what get us in to heaven!!!!

Blech. I can totally see how other Christians look at very busy Mormons, busily working our way to salvation and say, “What about grace?”

So what about grace? Yesterday, I watched a devotional given by Brad Wilcox on July 12, 2011 titled “His Grace is Sufficient” that pretty much sums up what I have learned about grace. It can be seen at .

I loved when Wilcox says,

“Jesus doesn’t make up the difference. Jesus makes all the difference. Grace is not about filling gaps. Its about filling us. Jesus…paid our debt in full. He didn’t pay it all except for a few coins. He paid it all. It is finished.”

It is finished. What a beautiful phrase, full of mercy. Of grace.

Wilcox’s talk has set me to thinking about the issues of justice, mercy, and grace as it applies to single expectant parents in the LDS church. For too long, single expectant parents have only been treated with the hand of justice.  This heavy hand demands perfection – perfection in families, perfection in people – and punishment when we fall short.

Frequently when a young LDS woman falls short of perfection and finds herself single and pregnant, our culture* demands she pay the price for her sins: marriage or relinquish her baby. Any other option is considered selfish and of putting her “wants” about a child’s “needs.”   The implied principle is through the “good works” of relinquishing her child, she shows she is willing to pay the price for her sins.

But the miracle of the Atonement – the miracle of grace – teaches us that Jesus Christ has already paid that price. His grace is sufficient to cover us – all of us. However, many single expectant mothers in the LDS culture are treated as if grace stops short of their front door. They are treated as if grace doesn’t pay the price for them in full, just like it does every one else.  We require the single expectant mother to prove her repentance by either marrying the man that got her pregnant or paying the ultimate price, by placing her broken heart, her mother’s love, and ultimately her child on the altar of adoption. Only then do we declare the demands of justice have been satisfied.

So what is missing in this equation? Grace.

The kind of grace that steps in and says, “It is finished. Jesus paid the debt, in full.” The kind of grace with bounty enough to enfold a mother and her growing child in the arms of merciful love, sheltering her from a culture that clamors for justice in the form of a hasty marriage or adoption. Grace, which whispers in a young mother’s ear, “You are enough.” The kind of grace that sits with a young mother while she labors her baby into the world and places the babe, still slippery with her mother’s blood and amniotic fluid, into the arms of her mother, not the arms of a more “qualified” woman waiting to take custody of this newest member of the human race.

What is lacking in the LDS church grace that takes a young mother by the shoulders and looks her squarely in the eyes and says, “Yes, this is scary and this will be hard, but you are ready to be a mother. With me, you are ready.”

This same grace then turns to the rest of us and looks us squarely in the eyes and says, “Love her. Support her. Help her become the best mother she possibly can. Help her learn and grow in the gospel of love” (see Elder Quinten L. Cook’s conference address from April 2011). This is the same grace that then leans close, takes us by the shoulders and whispers in our ear, “Inasmuch as ye have done it unto the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.”

Yes, grace is what is missing. Justice we have plenty of. Self-righteous foot-stomping by people who have done it “the right way” and “deserve” a baby we have plenty of.  What we need is grace. And lots of it.


*Please note I said culture, not doctrine. There’s a BIG difference between the two in many instances. Unfortunately.