I have been thinking a lot these past couples days – I know, I do a tremendous amount of thinking and sometimes it gets me into trouble. Hopefully this time it won’t. Recently I have been thinking that I should take the time to tell you more about me, my family, your siblings – you know, slice of life kinds of things outside of the very narrow view this blog typically affords.
So today, I will start with your little sister.
This is little Princess P. She is 16 months old and let me just say, she is hilarious. H to the I to the L to the -arious. Her sense of humor reminds me so much of her Grandma Penny in so many ways (man, I LOVE my MIL!!! I hit the in-law jackpot with her). A parent can only hope and pray to have a child as delightful and loving as little Princess P. Even when she has four molars coming in all at the same time, she is determined to be cheerful and sweet.
The brothers are ga-ga for her. They *adore* her “dolphin noises” and the way she crawls into their laps for a snuggle. Last night, she was a bit restless. I could hear her over the baby monitor carrying on. After about 20 minutes of jibber-jabber ya-ya-ing, I heard Captain Knuckle go into her room, pick her up and coo to her in his 14-year old man voice. It was absolutely precious. She is equally enamored with them. When the Professor gets up in the morning, she runs as fast as her chubby legs can move and throws herself at him in an embrace, squealing with joy the entire time. She does the same when Captain Knuckle gets home from school. I love it. It makes my heart sing to see them so happy with each other.
Naturally, Mr. Amazing Man is smitten by her. He spends about 75% of his waking at-home time telling me how cute she is and how much fun she is to play with. And he is so right. We are both amazed by this little creature and the absolute joy that trails after her wherever she goes.
I try not to think about all I have missed with you, but sometimes it creeps in, especially in the mornings when she is snuggled into bed with me. I hope you had a mother who delighted in you and took every chance possible to scoop you into her arms, nuzzle your neck and whisper how much she loves you into your ear. That’s what I did when you were with me – my prayer is that it continued with your adoptive mother, too. And maybe someday you will get to meet your little sister and she will run and launch herself into your arms, giggling and squealing with delight the entire time.
Dear Ms. Feverfew –
You would be so proud of me. Since I have been home, I haven’t once been tempted to take a sharp turn off the [insert the name of your small town here] ramp on I-15 and drive past your parents place. I didn’t once ask my good friend to track you down on campus at the [insert name of your university here] while she was there for a 2-day conference. I would have liked to attend said conference but I figure that would be tempting fate – you know that old problem we have of looking like twins. Well, actually you don’t know but that’s OK. I know.
I haven’t spent much time on the computer either, what with having living a life that I am sometimes accused of not having because I am a “bitter LDS birthmother with nothing better to do.” However, I did take some time between dazzling my graduate committee with my brilliance and hanging out with my amazing family to check my Google reader today. One of the blogs I follow directed me to a newly found first mom blog full of insightful & honest writing, Hidden Beneath the Surface.
I was particularly moved by her post from today: http://nzrose05.wordpress.com/2010/10/27/coming-out/, especially after spending last Friday night with my wonderful younger sis. It made me think about my own Facebook page – I only had Captain Knuckle listed under “Children.” I first listed him when he joined Facebook a few weeks ago but it felt strange and awkward to only have him there, as adorable as he might be. After all, I do have three other children as equally adorable.
So today, spurred on by the courage the author of Hidden Beneath the Surface displayed, I outed myself as a first mother on Facebook. (Once I get home and have access to a photo editor, I will post a picture here. ) I now have Captain Knuckle, The Professor, Princess P., and Little Ms. Boo Bear (lost to adoption 1993) posted in my “Children” section.
And it feels good.
I have quite a few adoptive mother friends on Facebook – I think I may lose some of them over this but oh well. I will most likely have some ‘splainin to do to other people as well. I will most likely have to answer difficult, uncomfortable questions, but frankly I don’t care any more. If those people can’t love me – all of me which includes the fact I have four children, not three – then it’s their loss. You can be sure I will keep you updated!
So, thanks to the first mom/author of Hidden Beneath the Surface – I am now leading a more authentic life.
And it feels really good.