For Ms. Feverfew

Dear Ms. Feverfew, 

If you should stumble upon this blog, please understand three very important things:

First, I love you. I always have. I always will. You are “bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh, fruit of my age long mother-pain.” My love for you is not predicated on any behavior of yours – I love you simply because you are.  I always have. I always will. It’s just how I roll. Regardless of whether you ever decide to contact me or not, this love will flow like a river and never cease running its true course.  These letters are a natural extension of this love and like any river, some will gently sweep you along and others will be swift, tumultuous and filled with danger. As you read them, always remember this: I love you. I always have. I always will.

Second, I do not know much about your parents other than what I have heard from others and the few phone calls I have had from your mother. Any angst, anxiety, fury, and other not-so pleasant emotions about adoption expressed in these letters is NOT directed at your parents. I truly believe they are good people who did the best they knew how to do at the time – that is to love you and your siblings.  I am grateful to them for loving you and providing you with a solid foundation on which to build your life.

Third, God is crazy about you. His love for you is not predicated on any behavior of yours – He loves you simply because you are. He always has. He always will. He is God, and that’s just how He rolls.  Never forget He is the great I AM and in Him you will find shelter from the storms of life and strength to overcome all the obstacles in your life.

Much love and belief –

M.

26 thoughts on “For Ms. Feverfew

    • Thank you so much, Chris. I sent her all of my contact information via facebook last year a few months after her 18th birthday. Hopefully having that information in her possession will help her in her journey as she continues to mature and get her “woman legs” underneath her. At least she now has control and power over that part of her life instead of all the adults making decisions for her.

      M.

      • “At least she now has control and power over that part of her life instead of all the adults making decisions for her.”

        I wish this statement were true for me. I’ve always struggled in my heart with knowing who my biological father is. My mom and him never married and I never knew him…only met him once when I was little and I can’t even remember what he looks like. The only thing my mom will give me is his name.

        I’m 26 years old and I wish that I could have the choice to get in contact with my father.

      • Matt – Oh man. I am so sorry your mom won’t share that information with you, especially since you are an adult. It is your right to have the facts about your father, plain and simple. I hope she is able to set aside her pride and her fears to help you in your search for him. If not there are people, search angels, who can help you find him for no charge. If you have his name, you have a some of the most important information to get started. I know I am preaching to the choir, but finding him will help you understand yourself and free you up to keep progressing in your life.

        M.

      • Wow, you are a judgmental thing! “At least she now has control and power over that part of her life instead of all the adults making decisions for her.” Is this how you talk of the parents of the child you gave up for adoption? Shame on you and if I were her I definitely wouldn’t want you bugging me on FB! I would block you.

  1. You know I need passwords if I am going to read your protected posts lady. An email to your followers with a password would help!

  2. OMG I’ve been getting emails from ur blog & just deleted them thinking it was spam & never really reading them. It wasn’t until u posted the “Stairway to Heaven” reference that I actually read it. I was going thru a very hard time in my life & actually thought that song was one I wanted at my own funeral. So when I got that email & actually read it, I realized u were a birth mother or first mother just like me. I figured I must have signed up to receive the emails or I wouldn’t have gotten them. Anyway it’s been so helpful to read ur blog. I’ve been struggling with alot of the same things. My son turned 30 last month & I realized that for more than half my life I’ve been grieving. I also placed with LDSFS. I had no idea they offered free counseling for life cus I was told if I needed counseling after signing those papers that I’d have to pay for it. I always thought that was funny since I never had any counseling before that. I was only told the policies & what “Gods Plan” was. I even got a letter from the adopted family telling me that he was meant to be with them cus he looks so much like them. Also that I shouldn’t feel bad cus I gave them a great gift, (even tho he was their 4th child) I& that they’re jealous of girls like me who can give birth when they have double infertility. What they didn’t know was I had infertility issues as well afterwards & I have never been able to get over that. I’ve tried to make a life for myself. I got a great job with a major airline & have travelled all over the world. So freakin what???? I still have a giant hole in my heart that nothing can fill. I even got pregnant a 2nd time finally by the same father 10 yrs later & kept that baby. He’s brought so much joy to my life, but the pain never goes away. It hurts even more when my mother informs me after the fact that the LDS social worker told her my chances of getting pregnant again were very high. Really???? Why didn’t someone else tell me that? Why wasn’t there counseling available to me at that time? Why did they only make me feel all they wanted was my baby & I didn’t matter? I still feel that way. Unlike u, I’ve left the church, having no desire to be a part of their beliefs. It’s extremely hurtful that when i decided that, nobody tried to convince me otherwise or let me know I mattered. They only call me to let me know when it’s my turn to clean the building. This is the same building I haven been to for many years. Other than that nobody has anything to do with me. I remember when I was a “good girl” that we always had to try to include the inactive people or the non members. Apparently I don’t fit into any category. I have a hard time asking for help but if they’re so intuned to “the spirit” shouldn’t that spirit let them know? Or if not, why don’t they realize that someone who was once so active now never comes to church, or more importantly never pays anything?!? I’ve tried so many times to end my life but I can’t even do that right. If there truly is a God, is this really what he intended for me? Right now as I’m writing this I’m at the cemetery visiting my dads grave & feeling jealous I’m not in the ground with everyone else here. Is that really what the Mormon church wants for their members? For all I know it is cus then they can do the work for the dead & that’ll include me. Or for all I know, maybe I’m not even a member anymore. It wouldn’t surprise at all. Anyway I don’t mean to sound negative. Ur blog has helped me so much, especially knowing I’m not alone feeling the way I do. I just can’t live this way anymore.

    • Cheryl –

      Thank you for reading! I am so sorry for your suffering but I am glad to hear you realized you aren’t alone. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

      I haven’t talked much about it on this blog, but at this point, I am 100% inactive in the church. I went from a card-carrying, serving in the Stake Primary Presidency member to D.O.N.E. in one day. The was no slow slide into “apostasy” for me – it was a sudden and abrupt rupture, much like how I give birth, now that I think about it.

      I will write more about my transition out of the church, to be sure, but just know that there is a host of us who know the life you live because we live it to. We WERE used and betrayed by people in the name of God and Jesus. And it was wrong. **IS** wrong.

      Sending love and solidarity your way.

      Melynda

      • M, I did not know that had happened for you. I felt funny commenting on another post about my faith (or rather, the lack thereof) I’m sorry it was so abrupt, but I am not sorry that this has happened for you. I’m around chica-if you need me.

      • Yeah – I haven’t talked about my faith “transition” much because I don’t even know what or how to say what happened. I am just grateful my husband has been so supportive, understanding, and respectful of my need to step away from the LDS church and all that it represents.

        And like you, I am not sorry this has happened to me. I can see ever so more clearly now.

      • I think it’s all that happened to us M, the Church didn’t support either one of us- (of course my Church was Catholic and not involved in the adoption, but..) I don’t think it’s lack of faith so much as it is a lack of belief in organized religion for me-

      • Exactly! It’s not that I don’t necessarily believe in God, it’s that I no longer believe in organized religion. It was so destructive to my sense of worth and value that I will most likely never be able to participate in any form of organized religion again.

      • Thank you Melynda & I’m soooo sorry I rambled on & on like I did on your blog, & if that wasn’t bad enough I accidentally sent it again. I was truly on one last night & pretty over the top with my tirade. I apologize to you & to anyone else that was subject to my “novels” lol. I’d love to hear your story one day though. Take care!

      • Cheryl – No apologies needed! If you want, I can go delete one of the comments. We have all had moments, days – even weeks – like your evening. It really is okay to be mad at how we were treated and misused by the people we trusted to have out best interests at heart. I know you don’t know me, but I am excessively tolerant of first mom and adoptee tirades. (I will honestly admit that my sympathy meter for most adoptive parents is broken most days, though.)

        So rant away. You are safe here.

  3. OMG I’ve been getting emails from ur blog & just deleted them thinking it was spam & never really reading them. It wasn’t until u posted the “Stairway to Heaven” reference that I actually read it. I was going thru a very hard time in my life & actually thought that song was one I wanted at my own funeral. So when I got that email & actually read it, I realized u were a birth mother or first mother just like me. I figured I must have signed up to receive the emails or I wouldn’t have gotten them. Anyway it’s been so helpful to read ur blog. I’ve been struggling with alot of the same things. My son turned 30 last month & I realized that for more than half my life I’ve been grieving. I also placed with LDSFS. I had no idea they offered free counseling for life cus I was told if I needed counseling after signing those papers that I’d have to pay for it. I always thought that was funny since I never had any counseling before that. I was only told the policies & what “Gods Plan” was. I even got a letter from the adopted family telling me that he was meant to be with them cus he looks so much like them. Also that I shouldn’t feel bad cus I gave them a great gift, (even tho he was their 4th child) I& that they’re jealous of girls like me who can give birth when they have double infertility. What they didn’t know was I had infertility issues as well afterwards & I have never been able to get over that. I’ve tried to make a life for myself. I got a great job with a major airline & have travelled all over the world. So freakin what???? I still have a giant hole in my heart that nothing can fill. I even got pregnant a 2nd time finally by the same father 10 yrs later & kept that baby. He’s brought so much joy to my life, but the pain never goes away. It hurts even more when my mother informs me after the fact that the LDS social worker told her my chances of getting pregnant again were very high. Really???? Why didn’t someone else tell me that? Why wasn’t there counseling available to me at that time? Why did they only make me feel all they wanted was my baby & I didn’t matter? I still feel that way. Unlike u, I’ve left the church, having no desire to be a part of their beliefs. It’s extremely hurtful that when i decided that, nobody tried to convince me otherwise or let me know I mattered. They only call me to let me know when it’s my turn to clean the building. This is the same building I haven been to for many years. Other than that nobody has anything to do with me. I remember when I was a “good girl” that we always had to try to include the inactive people or the non members. Apparently I don’t fit into any category. I have a hard time asking for help but if they’re so intuned to “the spirit” shouldn’t that spirit let them know? Or if not, why don’t they realize that someone who was once so active now never comes to church, or more importantly never pays anything?!? I’ve tried so many times to end my life but I can’t even do that right. If there truly is a God, is this really what he intended for me? Right now as I’m writing this I’m at the cemetery visiting my dads grave & feeling jealous I’m not in the ground with everyone else here. Is that really what the Mormon church wants for their members? For all I know it is cus then they can do the work for the dead & that’ll include me. Or for all I know, maybe I’m not even a member anymore. It wouldn’t surprise at all. Anyway I don’t mean to sound negative. Ur blog has helped me so much, especially knowing I’m not alone feeling the way I do. I just can’t live this way anymore.

    Cheryl Allen

  4. Omg thank u so much for that. I’m sorry it was sent twice. For one thing I’m old, & for the other I’m very distraught! Everything I grew up with & was taught to believe is so wrong!!!! As I’ve grown up & spread my wings, I’ve realized that what we were taught growing up up is not the truth. There’s so many hyprocries in the Mormon faith. It hurts to my core to think I grew up believing that way. It hurts to think I entrusted that same church to place my son who I wanted more than anything in this world, to place him with strangers. I refused to sign the papers in the hospital so the LDS social worker suggested I place him in an LDS foster care & that the foster mother would call me every day with an update on him. I never got one call!!!!!!! I wasn’t even given the info on how to contact her. I was THAT trusting. The day I was to sign away my rights forever & all eternity, all I asked was to spend one hour with my son. That never even happened. The “foster mother” was late & then the social worker had a cancellation so she was in a hurry to get it over with. After the first set of papers was signed, I tore them up. Of course nobody was happy with me so they drew up new papers. I was coerced into signing them too. I’ve never been the same since & even though some might look at my life & think it’s been amazing, it hasn’t been for me. I’ve never been able to get past that. There’s always been a hole in my heart. My nieces & nephews love me & think I’m fun. My coworkers love me & think I’m the life of the party. What nobody knows is I’m dead inside. I always think of that old song,”the tears of a clown” cus that’s me. I’m hurting inside. I’m exhausted & can’t do it anymore. I have nobody to help me & that church is a joke. The funny thing is, my mom who wanted to be a “perfect Mormon” & didn’t wanna seem anything less, made me live with my aunt when I got pregnant. God forbid anyone should she had a child who wasn’t perfect. Yet here we are 30 yrs later & guess who’s taking care of her mom cus she needs help??? Yep ME, the daughter she was so ashamed of. Maybe I’m weird but I’ve always felt that God loves us unconfitionlly. I’m not always happy with my 20 yr old sons decisions in life but I will always love him no matter what. Unfortunately I didn’t receive that same kind of love. I don’t & will never understand that. I don’t care what anyone thinks of me so I can’t be apart of a church that is built so strongly on that. I believe in a very loving God. I love my kids to death no matter what so I have no doubt God loves us even more. I’m so hurt when my child is hurt. I’m sure God feels that way too, even more so. I don’t believe for one minute that Gods plan was for be to sin so that some random people could build their family. If that’s true, then that means we truly dont have free agency like the church preaches. If God is the loving being that I believe him to be, then the entire temple sealing can’t be true. I know how much I love my family & my son. I wouldn’t ever want them to be apart. I’m just a mere mortal. If God truly loves us, don’t u think he’d want us all to be together & not suffer? I’m not a bad person. I’m kind & forgiving & do my best to help others. I’m just not temple worthy. I’ve known plenty of people who are temple worthy but lie to get there. I refuse to lie. Does that make me “less than?” I’m sorry for my rant but I’m so so so tired. I know I’ll never meet my son & I don’t believe he’s ever been told the truth. He probably thinks I’m a crack whore or I was just a dog in heat. Nothing could be further from the truth. I’m just so damaged & I can’t do this anymore.

    • Sorry for all of that. I’m just in so much pain & that all came out under the influence of sleeping pills, Valium & vodka. Nobody gives a shit about me & im tired of being taken advantage of. I know a loving God didn’t plan this for me. Sorry again.

      • Sweetheart, I’ll tell you what I told M, once, a long time ago. God doesn’t do adoption, he’s in to being born again. You are so not alone-there are so many of us out here-I was raised Catholic, not LDS, but the shame etc is the same.

      • Cheryl. God didn’t plan your consumption of booze and pills, you did. If you want a closer walk with God, then you have to ask him, pray, change your life. Stop wanting to die, the boozing, and the pills. Find a church that you like and who will help you. I wish you well.

  5. I don’t know if I believe anymore at all- these days I don’t think I’m even agnostic. I believe in science, I don’t think I believe the stories in the bible. They are good stories for the most part- but some are just too heinous and, others just too impossible. What really gets me about churches and adoption is this; Mary was an unwed single mother, and we celebrate her motherhood-but yours and mine? Not so much- when I finally realized that, I was done.

    • An agnostic theist is where I am these days. Who believes in science. I think there might be a God (when I look at my kids I’m fairly certain of it), but I also believe he/she/their “will” is unknowable in any concrete way at this point in our existence. And to create an entire religion, complete with rituals and ordinances, based on something unknowable? No thanks. Not for me.

      • I get that completely-I always wondered what kept you in the LDS. From what I have read and learned it’s an off the wall “cult like” religion (aren’t they all though?) I guess I never understood about the whole getting your own planet and wearing garments, and Gold Plates which surely couldn’t have been real. Not to mention the weirdness of not really having any sort of Pastor- but having a bunch of Old Men telling all of the LDS what to do, how to do it, when to do it, and having to know your whole family tree to get into their version of Heaven. The Catholic Church has some very odd things as well- most religions do. I guess in the end, I can be spiritual and not have to go to a church of any sort, because well really, men have made the Bible what it is, added their own spin-and honestly I don’t do well with men making all the dang rules and seeing me as “less than” I am not less than- and yes, that greater force is unknowable- and you are correct, you can’t base everything you practice (rituals and rules) on something you can’t know. It’s all so jacked up isn’t it?

  6. Why does everyone think that babies are just “ripped away” from birth mothers and given away? My bio-mother signed the papers of her own free will. She knew that there would be no father involved, that she had to finish high school, and her mom couldn’t afford to take on a grandchild. She put me first because she loved me enough to give me a better life. Please stop using God to justify your twisted theories that He is against adoption. I am adopted and thank God that I was raised with the family I have. My half bio-brother whom she had later on is a freaking mess.

    • Tami- Some birthmoms will use the term “ripped away” because they later feel they were brainwashed into believing adoption would be the best choice for them AT THE TIME. I was one who was brainwashed at 18 and now at 34 I realize adoption was NOT the right option for me. Yes, I signed legal papers giving up my parental rights but I was NOT in my right mind and the LDS church took advantage of that. Not all children of birthmoms who adopted their first babies away turn out “a freaking mess.” I’m sorry that happened to your half bio brother. I went on to have 2 other children after my first child that was adopted and they are doing quite well.

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